


It's Not Like I'm HOLDING BACK on You!

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [3]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Backstory, Banter, Biting, Bonding, Canon Backstory, Character Development, Companionable Snark, Confessions, Crying, Dark, Dark John Sheppard, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Don't Have to Know Canon, Drama, Drama & Romance, Drug-Induced Sex, Dubious Consent, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Roller Coaster, Epic Fail, Erotica, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Flashbacks, Forced, Heart-to-Heart, Homophobia, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, John Being an Asshole, LGBTQ Themes, Long, Loss of Trust, Love Potion/Spell, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Up, Male Slash, Military Homophobia, Missing Scene, Misunderstandings, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Rejection, Repressed John, Romance, Romantic Soulmates, Secret Past, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soulmates, Star-crossed, Stargate, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 06:57:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 64,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11892438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .After a short and torrid affair in Antartica, he and John have been getting close in ways they never were as lovers. Though it's hard working together constantly and never talking about everything that's happened between them.Rodney knows he's terrible at reading these things right, but even if John technically is his commanding officer, it really seems like he might feel the same way..





	1. I can be romantic

**Author's Note:**

> _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _Conforms with existing Canon_ : Backstories fit perfectly into the plot lines & memorable dialogue in this re-envisioned story of the first 5 seasons. The second half of this series of stories takes place post-canon (after the end of the show).  
>   
> .  
> .  
> Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> -John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are members of a military unit fighting evil alien threats in the Pegasus galaxy. The other people on their team include Lt. Ford, 'Teyla', and later on 'Ronon'.  
> -Because the military is coordinating this large international expedition, those from Earth can often referred to by either their first or last names.  
> -Dr. Carson Beckett, the head of the medical department and is sometimes referred to as 'Carson' or 'Beckett'.  
> -Dr. Rodney McKay is a genius astrophysicist that is sometimes referred to as either 'McKay' or 'Rodney'; likewise Major John Sheppard, the team leader, may be referred to as either 'John' or 'Sheppard'.  
> -John Sheppard is also the military commander of their base of operations, an alien city-ship known as 'Atlantis'; he is second in command, reporting directly to the leader of the expedition (Dr. Elizabeth Weir).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Rodney makes his move... The aftermath is messy._

Over the next couple days, Rodney can hardly think straight when he is around John. He tries to imagine how he could possibly admit to being in love him. It’s not like it’s going to come up in casual conversation. They are always bantering and joking around, but serious talks don’t exactly seem like John’s cup of tea. They aren’t really Rodney’s forte either. 

 

The idea of a letter crosses his mind, but he dismisses it as too 13-year-old girl. Maybe there is another way. John likes to drink and Rodney won a bottle whiskey off Carson during a chess game. Carson had thought he could hold his own against Rodney. A rookie mistake. No one can beat Rodney at chess. 

 

Not that Rodney had really wanted the bottle, he had just wanted to win. Maybe one of these nights when he and John go out on the pier... Maybe with a little alcohol, Rodney could work up the courage. Maybe. Maybe tonight. 

 

Rodney heads out of the lab early. John always comes by to find Rodney when he is finishing up. If Rodney leaves now, he will have time to get the loot and make it back before John shows up. 

 

He races to his room, grabs the bottle and couple of small cups. But he doesn’t want anyone else to see this and try to join in the fun. Rodney snaps his fingers thinking… A small blanket… he has one, it’s around here somewhere. He wraps it over the contents, hoping it doesn’t look too conspicuous, and heads back to the lab with it tucked under his arm. 

 

Feeling flushed from his brisk walk, Rodney waits impatiently. Maybe it’s not the walk that his him flushed. He hopes his cheeks don’t look too pink and tries to calm himself.  
He is so nervous. What is he going to say? 

 

Oh God, what if John rejects him. Maybe Rodney doesn’t have to say too much. Just something to let John know that he wants more. 

 

Better not to think about it. Just let it-. John walks in looking casually sexy as always. Rodney has been sitting facing the door in anticipation, usually he waits for John to lean over his shoulder and ask what he is doing. 

 

“Let’s go.” Rodney jumps to his feet and races to the door.

 

John follows him; waiting until they are in the hall to ask, “Go where?” 

 

Rodney stops and unfolds the cache. 

 

“Whoa.” John raises his eyebrows, “Cover that back up. We don’t want anyone else to see it.” 

 

“The pier?” Rodney suggests.

 

“Let’s go.” John tells him, looking pleased.

 

The two of them make their way out to the empty North pier and sit on the edge with their feet dangling. This is one of John’s favorite spots, Rodney knows he prefers this pier to the others. Not sure why though, they are pretty much the same even before the sun goes down. 

 

“Oh, this is good.” John smacks his lips, “Good plan Rodney.” 

 

Rodney sips his glass; it burns in his throat and makes him feel warm. He and John talk, the way they always do. 

 

This is going to be harder than Rodney thought. He feels like they already have something intimate… but how can Rodney take it to the next level? He refreshes their drinks and stops looking for an opening. 

 

He just isn’t good at this kind of thing… He’ll leave things the way they are. Maybe he can just love John from a distance and not risk the rejection. Rodney doesn’t like risks or rejection. But something about John makes him want to try anyway. Chugging the rest of his glass quickly, Rodney makes a face as it goes down. 

 

“All right, Rodney.” John laughs.

 

Oh. Maybe that was too much. Rodney feels like it is going to his head already. He leans back and looks at the stars, “You know, none of these stars here in the Pegasus galaxy have names.”

 

“They have names, Rodney.” John smirks.

 

Staring up at the night sky makes him feel calm. He always liked looking up at the stars. It is one of the only times he feels safe being small or insignificant in the universe. Physics is the closest thing to spirituality to him. The elegant design of the cosmos. 

 

He sighs, “It’s still beautiful.” 

 

“Who knew you were such a romantic?” John sounds surprised.

 

Rodney tilts his head back and looks at John, speaking softly, “I can be romantic.” 

 

John stares at Rodney with those inscrutable dark pools, those bewitching eyes. 

 

And Rodney stares back. John must be able to see how much Rodney is longing for him. He must. 

 

“You know, we could name them.” Rodney quietly ventures.

 

“Okay.” John looks up thoughtfully.

 

Pulling out the blanket, Rodney folds it into a small pillow. He sits up and hopes John will follow him. Placing the blanket on the ground, he lies down on his back. There is just enough room for John to join him on the makeshift pillow. Rodney holds his breath as John moves over to him. 

 

John looks down at Rodney inquisitively before kneeling, but he lays down right up against him. They are so close. Rodney’s breath hitches; he can feel John’s arms and legs resting along side his. So close but still too far away. Rodney sighs. 

 

Using his free hand to point, Rodney asks, “What about that one?” 

 

“That one?” John points to the same prominent constellation.

 

“Yeah it kinda looks like wings… If you look at the –“ 

 

“Yeah,” John interrupts, “I see it. So, what do you want to call it?” 

 

“The Batcape?” Rodney puzzles.

 

“Okay, your naming privileges are officially revoked.” Rodney can feel John’s head brushing against his as it shakes lightly.

 

“Well, after my favorite superhero.” 

 

He can hear the smirk in John’s voice, “Yeah, I got that.” 

 

“Well, what then?” Rodney frowns.

 

“I think it looks more like chariot… Momento Mori.” 

 

“Moment what?” 

 

“Momento Mori.” John says with confidence, “It’s Latin for ‘remember that you will die.“

 

“That’s cheerful.” Rodney retorts.

 

“See, the Roman generals…” John explains, “When they came back from a victory, to the waiting throngs… There was this guy who rode in the chariot with him, calling to the crowds, ‘Momento Mori, Momento Mori’… 

 

It was a reminder not to be overconfident. A victory one day can be snatched away the next. Enjoy life while you have it and don’t be overconfident. You know… one day you may feel exuberant and immortal, the next day you could be gone.” 

 

John pauses, “I think it’s kind of romantic.” 

 

Turning his head to gaze at John, Rodney doesn’t make his usual snippy comment. 

 

As John stares up at the constellation, Rodney admires his profile. But then John turns his head on the pillow and gazes back at Rodney. Almost close enough to kiss. 

 

“I think it reminds us to cherish the most essential things in life.” John tells him. “Not to forget that we are human… sometimes we can mistakes.” 

 

He looks away for a moment, then gazes intently into Rodney’s eyes, “You know, sometimes I make decision early on… I can get locked into one way of thinking…” he says it as if he might be talking about Rodney. 

 

“There are some decisions I wish I could take back, or maybe I just wish I had been more…” John blinks at him with soft eyes, “done something more. Let myself…” His eyes bat down almost shy.

 

Rodney trails his fingers over the back of John’s hand next to him. 

 

When John looks back up, his eyes are full of longing, but John stays very still. 

 

It seems like John wants this as much as he does. Rodney’s breath is coming in shallow and he feels dizzy now. He curls his fingers around John’s hand, holding it softly. 

 

“Uh, I, sometimes…” Rodney licks his lips, “I’ve been thinking that I to want live life more… I mean, sometimes I hold back… a lot…” 

 

Lifting his head off the pillow, Rodney can’t believe he is about to do this, “I don’t want to hold back anymore.” 

 

He leans forward, inches above John’s face. And John’s hand flutters under Rodney’s. Then it squeezes Rodney’s hand tightly into his. John gazes up at him, his face full of desire under the alien moonlight. 

 

Rodney leans in slowly to take what he has been wanting for so long. 

 

As he feels John’s breath on his lips, warm and just a whisper away, John suddenly releases Rodney’s hand out from under his and stumbles back away.

 

With a horrified and disgusted expression on his face, John tells him, “I’m sorry,” he shakes his head like he has tasted something sour, “I don’t know how to do this.”

 

All of Rodney’s usual defenses are returning, he makes a bitter and sarcastic face as he reels from the sting of rejection, “Really?" He thinks back to the aggressive way John had fucked him in Antartica, "Because I kinda thought you did.” 

 

“No, I- I can’t.” John walks backward, “Sorry, McKay” Then he turns away and is gone into the darkness. 

 

Oh. Okay. Now he’s McKay again. Rodney feels cold and empty. What ever led him to believe that John would want him again? What happened between them in Antartica... Rodney knows it was just meaningless sex for John. It was stupid, to get his hopes up that could be more. So stupid. Rodney hates himself so much. 

 

He isn’t the kind of person that anyone would care for that way. Why did he get his hopes up? How can he ever face John again? Rodney doesn’t usually drink but he feels like the rejection has shocked him sober.

 

Well, he doesn’t plan on staying that way; tonight he plans on drinking plenty. He is going to get good and drunk to forget all this. Numbly reaching for the bottle, Rodney tries to crowd out the dark thoughts in head. Just long enough until the liquor does it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places during Season 1 (between episodes 13 &14)


	2. It's not like I'm HOLDING BACK on you!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Having John pull away from him so abruptly was devastating enough, but now Rodney is simmering with jealousy._  
> .

John wakes up drenched in sweat. Had he been screaming? 

 

It happens from time to time when he is stressed. The nightmares about Afghanistan come back. 

 

He had been so afraid earlier when McKay had been about to kiss him. Now the knot of fear has spread; it is tangled up with dead people and the past. He sees Holland’s face and squeezes his eyes to make it go away. 

 

His hands wring the pillow under him. God, the fear is just so twisted up inside. John could never try to explain it to anyone else. He can’t even explain it to himself. He just has to fight it back down and try to sleep before the mission tomorrow. 

 

.  
.  
__________________________________________________  
.  
.

 

Rodney wakes up with a searing hangover the next morning. The night before comes rushing back at him and he feels the shame. Oh God, he had tried to kiss John. 

 

The team has to go off world today and Rodney will have to see him. He is in a terrible mood as he gets ready, being heartbroken doesn’t really agree with him. It is going to be hard to face John after what happened. Rodney will just have to rely on his usual shield of bad humor and condescension. 

 

By the time he sees John, Rodney is unpleasant, even by his own standards. John, of course, is acting like nothing happened. Not a care in the world, glib even. He should stop thinking of him as John; from now on Rodney it will simply be Sheppard or the Major.

The Jumper is attacked by some Wraith Darts as they make their way to the planet; the weapons fire takes out some of their systems. Sheppard complains to Rodney to get their weapons back online. 

 

“McKay!” John shouts to the back of the Jumper. Apparently Rodney isn’t going fast enough for him.

 

“I’m almost there!” Rodney yells back. 

 

A few moments later he informs the Major, “Okay, you should have weapons now.” 

 

“Negative.” Sheppard replies.

 

“Are you sure?” Rodney is confused.

 

“Positive!” Sheppard shouts while trying to avoid the Wraith fire.

 

“I’m pretty sure I fixed it.” Rodney looks back to the screen.

 

“Well, obviously you didn’t!” Sheppard sounds like he is losing his patience now. 

 

The Jumper is rocked by a small explosion. 

 

“McKay!” Sheppard spits out his name like it is a swear. 

 

Thinking about how Jo- the Major treated him last night, Rodney is angry himself. He uses his words to make a point. “It’s not like I’m HOLDING BACK on you!” 

 

That should shut him up. And it does. 

 

Fortunately, the weapons become a mute point when a strange energy device destroys the Darts for them. Sheppard decides they should land on the planet to find out more about what kind of weapon so easily destroyed the Wraith ships. 

 

The village on the planet seems rural rather than technologically advanced. To Rodney, the people seem overly superstitious about their Godhead, Athar. If there’s one thing that gets under his skin it’s the false illusion of religion. And all the injustices and prejudices that come with it. 

 

The people on the planet claim no knowledge of what Rodney can only assume is an Ancient weapon protecting the planet. The team is guided on a strenuous hike to meet the high priestess, Chaya. As Rodney walks through the gate entrance he sees the Major gaping at a beautiful woman. 

 

He knows Sheppard well enough to tell when is aroused, or at least he thought he did. In this case it is unmistakable. Sheppard doesn’t know this priestess at all but she is staring back at the Major with open lust. 

 

When Sheppard speaks to Chaya, he sounds nervous, like a boy with a crush. Rodney rolls his eyes. 

 

Chaya holds Sheppard’s hand, lingering for a long time and then turns to the rest of the team, welcoming them all by name. 

 

Rodney bristles and juts his chin out as Fords asks him. “How did she know that?” 

 

“Please. The abbots ran ahead and told her.” Rodney abhors superstition.

 

The Major seems completely enthralled by her, his smile and conversation seem saccharine, and unlike the man he thought he knew. 

 

Sick of all the niceties, Rodney confronts her about the presence of a weapon. But Chaya acts innocent and denies knowing anything about it. 

 

“Are you sure about that?” Sheppard asks softly.

 

She directs her full attention to him, “Yes”. 

 

“Oh, please”. Rodney groans.

 

Sheppard shoots him a look that says ‘Shut-up-Rodney’ and reminds him out loud, “Rodney, best behavior.” 

 

Oh, it’s Rodney now, is it? He responds, “This is as good as it gets, MAJOR.” 

 

Continuing curtly to the priestess Rodney winces, “Chaya, the only reason we’re alive is because of a powerful energy weapon that emanated from somewhere on this planet. It destroyed the ships that were shooting at us. That weapon is what’s keeping the Wraith away.” 

 

“No Dr. McKay,” Chaya instructs, “it was Athar who protected you.” 

 

“Athar?” Rodney throws his head back in contempt.

 

“Yes,” Chaya answers coolly even though Rodney is sure she is lying, “Athar saw you were in need.”

 

As Sheppard steps in to smooth over the ripples, Chaya seems to purr to the sound of his voice. In the background, Rodney shakes his head in disgust. 

 

Chaya leaves to go pray for guidance over Sheppard’s request. They are hoping this planet could provide sanctuary to the others in the galaxy who are suffering from the Wraith affliction. 

 

Rodney confronts Sheppard, “You’re buying into this?” 

 

Sheppard says something about religious tolerance, and that Chaya doesn’t strike him as the lying type. He believes she is being honest about her lack of knowledge concerning the weapon. 

 

A hiss involuntarily escapes Rodney’s lips. This woman seems to have him wrapped around her finger. He mumbles, “So pay no to attention to the man behind the curtain.” 

 

An hour or so later Chaya finally returns to tell Sheppard that ‘Athar’ is not able to provide sanctuary for anyone else.

 

”And you really had to chant all that time to come up with that?” Rodney asks.

 

“McKay.” Sheppard whispers menacingly.

 

But he can’t help himself, “You’re hiding behind your religion to justify your complete and utter selfishness.” 

 

“Rodney...” Sheppard’s tone is more aggressive.

 

“If ‘Athar’ existed, she would be ashamed of herself.” Rodney knows he crossed the line some time ago, but the way Sheppard is acting with this woman is making him crazy.

 

“We wish only to be left alone and in peace.” The abbot professes.

 

Rodney is losing himself to rage, “So untold thousands, possibly millions of people will die out there when they could have been saved, all in the name of ‘Athar’. How very, very peaceful of you.” 

 

“You should be grateful to Athar.” Chaya’s eyes darken.

 

“This is a waste of time.” Rodney declares.

 

She ignores him and looks soulfully into Sheppard’s eyes, “Athar regrets that she cannot help you.” 

 

“And I’m sure those were her exact words.” Rodney tries to break the spell with the light of reason and his acerbic tongue.

 

“That’s enough!” Sheppard shouts furiously at Rodney. 

 

Rodney closes his mouth. 

 

“Head back to the Jumper,” Sheppard orders, “I’ll be there in a minute.” 

 

“Why?” Rodney asks weakly. 

 

“Because you’re not helping.” 

 

Rodney heads back to the Jumper with Teyla and Ford, noting glumly, that Sheppard is now completely in the clutches of that alien woman. 

 

Finally, Sheppard does return to the Jumper, but with Chaya in tow. Rodney shouldn’t be surprised, that Sheppard has invited her to come back to with them Atlantis, but he is somehow is. The Major has apparently convinced her that Athar should consider all the people of the galaxy as part of her family, since they are all human and distantly related. 

 

.  
.

 

Upon return, Elisabeth welcomes Chaya warmly and promises to give her a tour once she has been medically cleared. 

 

“Major Sheppard has already promised to do so.” Teyla teases.

 

“Of course he has.” Elizabeth demurs, noting the chemistry between Sheppard and their new guest. 

 

Rodney looks away, he can’t watch this anymore. 

 

“Of course I have.” Sheppard smiles.

 

Elizabeth invites the two of them to follow her to the infirmary. 

 

“Maybe I should tag along,” Rodney pipes up, “in case you have any questions-’ 

 

“I think I got a handle, Rodney.” Sheppard pats him dismissively on the shoulder as he walks by.

 

Sadly watching them leave, Rodney babbles, “There are a lot of systems you know, absolutely-” 

 

“Got it covered!” Sheppard yells over his shoulder. 

 

Teyla leaves too and he standing by himself feeling dejected. “Fine.” He says to no one in particular. 

 

Eventually, Rodney finds himself heading to the infirmary anyway. It’s like a car crash, he just can’t look away. He stations himself in a nearby alcove and peers out at the medical entrance. 

 

A few minutes later, he sees John practically skipping to the door. He stands in the entryway offering an arm to Chaya, like an old-fashioned gentleman. The two of them link arms and walk away looking completely taken and familiar with each other. 

 

Rodney stays out of view as they walk away. He can’t take much more of this, so he decides to make a plea to Elizabeth about how suspects Chaya of deception. This is not entirely about his hurt feelings, despite the stalking. He believes her to be a viable threat to the city and he owes it to everyone to follow up on that. 

 

As the day goes by Rodney follows Elizabeth around on a fact-finding mission. They go back to the infirmary to get medical results from Carson. He tries to keep his mind off of the fact that John is still with her. 

 

Elizabeth doesn’t seem to take Rodney’s concerns very seriously. She tells him she will consider what he has said, but thinks it best he not attend the negotiations. So Rodney busies himself trying to get to the bottom of things on his own and finds something suspicious about Chaya’s biometric signature. 

 

“Someone should be keeping an eye on her.” He complains to his assistant.

 

“Major Sheppard is,” comes the reply. 

 

“Oh, I’m sure he is”, Rodney grimaces. 

 

“Not entirely for the reasons you think. Dr. Weir asked him to.”

 

The guy is more perceptive than Rodney gave him credit for. Feeling too transparent, Rodney snaps, “Oh I’m sure she did,” before quickly taking his leave. 

 

He roams through the halls hoping to run into Sheppard and spies him holding a basket, talking to Teyla. He can just barely make out what the Major is saying. “I’m an ambassador, and she is...a… diplomat.” 

 

“On a late night...picnic?” Teyla seems bemused.

 

Sheppard stands tall, “Yes”. 

 

Teyla reassures him, “I know that as ranking military officer here in Atlantis, that you feel a heavy burden of responsibility.” Sheppard shrugs and Teyla continues, “But you… are allowed to have feelings for others.” 

 

“Oh.” Sheppard laughs, “No, this is a… this is an ambassadorial diplomatic picnic outing.” 

 

“Without… having to justify them to anyone.” Teyla smirks, “Goodnight, Major.” 

 

Rodney knows he will not be welcome at this ‘picnic’ and heads back to the control room to talk to Elizabeth. 

 

“You want to send her back?” Elizabeth seems perplexed by his determination. 

 

“All I know is she’s not who she is pretending to be.” 

 

“And you know this because?” Elizabeth sounds wary.

 

“What I’m not allowed to have intuition?” Rodney asks.

 

“You?” Elizabeth doesn't skip a beat, “No.” 

 

“Oh.” He says flatly.

 

“I asked Major Sheppard to keep an eye on her.” 

 

Rodney guffaws, “Which is like asking a fox to guard the henhouse.” He follows her to her office and makes his case, outlining all the variables. 

 

Elizabeth finally concedes, “There is obviously something very different about her, yes. But that doesn’t necessarily make her a threat.” 

 

“It doesn’t rule it out, either.” Rodney has to point out.

 

Giving her verdict, Elizabeth tells him, “Then for the moment, I think what we could gain by securing a treaty, is worth the risk of her being here.” She exits the room to prepare for negotiations. 

 

Feeling dejected once again, Rodney says to no one in particular, “Fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 1, Episode 14 'Sanctuary'


	3. He is important to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Whatever this thing is with John, Rodney has to get away from it. He feels like a moth to the flame, no one has ever made him this crazy before. He's been running around like a jealous lover all day and now John only hates him for it._  
> .

.

.

John’s picnic is going well, the food is impressing Chaya.

 

She murmurs, “This is delicious.”

 

“Well enjoy it while you can because it’s the last of what we have.” He says sheepishly.

 

”Then I am honored.” Chaya tells him reverently.

 

He stretches out and finds himself musing, “When McKay finds out, he’s going to kill me.”

 

Chaya looks at him smiling seductively, “Athar will save you.”

 

They both laugh as John replies, “Oh, good.”

 

The conversation rolls along easily until Chaya stops with a serious tone. “I… wasn’t completely truthful with you about something.”

 

John’s face loses its smile.

 

“On Proculis when I told you I did not feel lonely…” Chaya continues, “coming here and being with you…”

 

John smiles again.

 

She looks at him longingly as she finishes her thought, “It reminded me what it was like not to be alone.”

 

John finds himself standing up and backing away, his gut response to emotional intimacy. He likes her, of course he likes her, but his first instinct is to bolt. It helps that she isn’t moving towards him. She’s just sitting on the blanket looking sweet. He smiles at her awkwardly.

 

“What?” she asks.

 

He laughs nervously, thinking about the last night when he and McKay were out on this pier. “Well, I mean, nothing. It’s just that… This is the first time I’ve been in a romantic situation with a woman,”

 

God, why did he just say woman, it makes it sound like there’s another option. He quickly continues, “-from another planet, and it just strikes me as really, um…”

 

“Wrong?” Chaya offers.

 

“No.” John backpedals, “God. No. Just… Just… Funny.”

 

Chaya looks hurt.

 

He backpedals again, “I’m sorry. I just thought that I would, uh…” he shakes his head unable to continue.

 

“You said it yourself- we’re both human.” She smiles.

 

Thankful she has rescued the conversation, John steps toward her, “Yes, we are. I’m really glad you didn’t say ‘family’ otherwise I’d have to leave.”

 

“Don’t,” she whispers softly, looking at him with eyes full of desire.

 

John kneels back down on the blanket, feeling steady again. He looks deeply into her eyes and tells her something he suspects is not just about Chaya anymore, “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

He reaches his hands up and cradles her face. He kisses her softly at first, then with a consuming desire. He drinks up everything she is offering with those sweet lips, takes the comfort where he can.

 

.  
.  
_____________________________________________________  
.  
.

 

Rodney is in the mess hall looking for the Major when he runs into Ford. “Hey, have you seen Sheppard?”

 

Ford smirks, “I saw him go into his quarters a couple hours ago with Chaya.”

 

“Thanks.” He manages to mumble. Rodney’s stomach lurches as he runs toward Sheppard’s quarters.

 

Just as he is approaching, he hears the door open and sees Sheppard stretching lazily with a cat who ate the canary grin.

 

He doesn’t care if it looks like he’s been spying, Rodney steps out of the hallway and greets him with an icy, “Major.”

 

“Rodney.” Sheppard barely looks his way and keeps walking, “What are you doing up so late?”

 

“I was just uh…” Rodney’s brain has stopped working, then a palatable excuse comes out in a rush, “I couldn’t sleep so, so I was going back up to the control room to do a little research. What about you?”

 

“Oh, no thanks.” Sheppard keeps walking and Rodney wonders if he even knows where he is going or if he is just trying to avoid talking to him.

 

What kind of answer is that? You’ll have to do better than that, Major. “No, I mean, what were you up doing so late?”

 

“I’m always up late, Rodney.” Sheppard spins around to face him.

 

Rodney folds his arms behind his back defensively. Of course he knows that, Sheppard used to spend his time hanging out with him in the late evening and early mornings.

 

“A word of caution-” Rodney pinches his mouth up into a bitter expression, “the whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic, to say the least, let alone morally dubious.”

 

“What routine?” Sheppard spits out.

 

“The romancing the alien priestess.” Rodney points back to Sheppard’s quarters, “It’s very 1967 of you. Actually I’m surprised-”

 

Sheppard cuts him off, shocked and angry, “If and when, ANYTHING I do becomes your business-“

 

Rodney coldly interjects, “It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger.” Yeah, fuck you too, Major.

 

“Don’t go there, McKay.”  Sheppard growls, his eyes shining with anger.

 

“I’m sorry.” Rodney lies, he isn’t sorry, “I know I’m not normally Mr. Sensitive but you’ve got to believe me when I say there is something about her.”

 

Sheppard is striding toward him like he might hit him, but Rodney manages not to cower and continues, “I know it’s intangible, but I can feel it-” Sheppard stops inches from his face.

 

Rodney has never seen his eyes so stony. It chills him to bone.

 

“I said, don’t GO there.” Sheppard’s voice shakes with rage.

 

Sheppard holds Rodney’s gaze intently until he gets it. And Rodney gets it. Right. There’s no us, there never will be. Whatever kind of emotional connection Rodney thought they had…

 

An image of Gandalf appears in Rodney’s head thundering ‘You shall not pass!’ If his heart wasn’t breaking into a million pieces right now, Rodney might have laughed at himself... But there’s more to it than that, isn’t there? What if Sheppard really is in danger?

 

Inside he is dying, Rodney’s voice sounds steady if not a little small, “It’s just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I’m just recommending that in the meantime you keep your…”

 

But Sheppard’s eyes are sliding over Rodney’s shoulder now. Rodney turns to look. Chaya is standing in the open doorway of Sheppard’s room, her arms folded and a pouty expression on her face.

 

She gives Rodney a disapproving glare and stomps back into Sheppard’s quarters. When Rodney looks back to Sheppard he can’t hide the deep hurt he is feeling.

 

He shivers under Sheppard’s gaze, it is unforgiving, so hard it is vicious. He’s never seen Sheppard look at anyone like that; it seems like contempt or even hatred.

 

Rodney is falling apart inside. What did he do to make John hate him? All he did was try to get close to him. And why her instead of him? He knows it’s a stupid question. She’s beautiful and a woman, and he’s pasty, weak, annoying, unlikeable, the list goes on…

 

Whatever this is with John, Rodney has to get away from it. It is killing him inside. He feels like a moth to the flame, no one has ever made him this crazy before. He’s been running around like a jealous lover all day and now John only hates him for it. Rodney returns to his room.

 

Physically he feels like shit, he should be sleeping but he can’t. He can’t stop thinking about John with that woman. Rodney reaches for his laptop again and starts to design a program that should enable him to secretly take better bio readings of Chaya.

 

He is still up running simulations and comparing data when the sun comes up. Rubbing his sore eyes, he peers out the window at the sunrise. He’ll just take a quick shower and drink as much coffee as can. If he can show Elizabeth what he came up with, she should see there wouldn’t be any harm in letting him sit in on the negotiations.

 

After downing a few cups of coffee, Rodney seeks Elizabeth out and explains that he can use his laptop surreptitiously to scan Chaya for anomalies. ”If I really am crazy, you and I are the only ones who need to know. What’s the harm?”

 

“All right,” Elizabeth agrees, “but be discreet.”

 

“I am Mr. Discreet,” Rodney scoffs.

 

Before Elizabeth can dispute this remark, Rodney flits away to prepare.

 

He meets back up with everyone in the briefing. Things go normally for a short time. But then Chaya starts to confront him about his readings. John leaps to her defense and demands to know what’s going on.

At that point Rodney lays it all out –that Chaya is not who she claims to be; she is an Ancient. It’s the only thing that explains her perfect health, the energy weapon, and the fact that she has the gene…

 

Chaya drops the ruse and addresses the Major, “I see that in my desire to come to Atlantis, I have revealed too much of myself.”

 

She admits she can never offer sanctuary to the people suffering in Pegasus. She turns a fierce eye back to Rodney, “But you are wrong as to why I came here.”

 

“Why did you come here?” Sheppard asks cautiously.

 

She turns to face Sheppard, her face soft, “You, John.”

 

“Me?” Sheppard’s eyes lift in disbelief.

 

Chaya lowers her head again, “I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I…”

 

Rodney groans from across the table and collapses back into his chair, “Oh, my God, he is Kirk.”

 

“So this was never about, uh…”, Sheppard looks to Chaya. He licks his lips, unable to finish the sentence.

 

She shakes her head to him apologetically.

 

Sheppard raises a finger to the group and asks, “Could we just have a moment to ourselves here?”

 

“NO!” Rodney raises his voice, almost standing up protectively to make his point. Surprisingly Teyla and Elizabeth chime in with the same sentiment. He feels a momentary swell of relief.

 

“That’s all right,” Chaya stands up sadly, “I’ve stayed here long enough.” She says walking out of the room.

 

Sheppard’s eyes dart from her to Rodney.

 

Rodney looks at him plaintively, thinking ‘Please don’t go’.

 

Looking away from Rodney, Sheppard follows Chaya out the door.

 

When Rodney comes out of the room he is disgusted to see Chaya swooning in Sheppard’s arms.

 

Just let him go. John will always go, Rodney. ‘Don’t GO there Rodney’. He sighs and stands back watching passively as Chaya disappears in a glowy non-corporeal form and flies away.

 

Sheppard goes after to her, of course, taking a Jumper back to Proculus.

 

Empty with exhaustion, Rodney walks stiffly back to his room.

.  
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When John finds Chaya, she offers him a parting gift, a kind of mind-meld. She explains, “We will know each as well anyone ever can.”

 

John closes his eyes and let’s himself be enveloped in her shimming light. The sensation is pleasant, he can feel everything about Chaya, her loneliness and isolation, banishment from the other Ancients due to interfering in human affairs, her punishment to continue protecting the planet where she interfered, thousands of years alone, her life before Ascension, everyone she ever knew and loved, including him… her feelings for him…

 

“This is cool.” John gushes.

 

He feels warm and relaxed even as he sees his own life flash around him, the people he has loved and lost, the death of his mother, his father’s rage, getting beaten at school, and even worse, his father finding out why. Leaving home right after that. The last word his father ever said to him ringing in his ears; ‘faggot’.

 

John knows Chaya can sense the emotional walls he built between himself and the rest of the world, his training in the military only hardened him. A string of affairs with woman over the years and a handful of anonymous sexual encounters with guys. John tried to make an attempt to get close to someone with his ex-wife Nancy, but he had failed, utterly.

 

After the divorce John had met Holland. Just a friend, but John had felt so much more, and sensed Holland did too. Then he had died. There had been plenty of death in Afghanistan to keep him hard. Finally, Antarctica and solitude, lonely but safe. Until McKay.

 

John can feel Chaya wondering, ‘Rodney?’

 

He has never told anyone about these experiences and can’t believe he isn’t panicking or running away. Something about the Ancient glowy mind-meld relaxes him. He can tell that Chaya understands what it means to be in the military and does not judge him.

 

She tells him mentally, ‘He is important to you.’

 

And John knows he can admit it here… with her. Even if he can’t anywhere else… not even to himself.

 

‘Yes’.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 1, episode 14 'Sanctuary'


	4. I said. Don't. Go there McKay. EVER.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney has to let go and put up his own walls. He can be impenetrable and cold like John, can't he? He'll bury his hope, deep down inside where he'll never find it again._  
> .

Rodney gets ready for bed early and collapses in exhaustion. He feels safer under the comforter. Less humiliated and small. It was bad enough feeling disgusting and unwanted, but it really seems like Sheppard hates him now. 

 

He hugs the pillow into his face. His voice is muffled when he speaks into it, “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” 

 

It feels like the pillow is muffling Rodney’s raw emotions. He chokes into it, he doesn’t want to cry. He really doesn’t want to feel any more pathetic than he already is. 

 

But the tears come and there is no stopping them. Rodney sobs and gasps into the pillow letting his body contort in pain. No one is here to see him be so weak. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He pleads out loud, “I didn’t mean to. Please, no. No… No… I’m sorry.” Rodney isn’t sure who is talking to, mostly Sheppard he thinks. Maybe a little bit Alex. 

 

“Please don’t hate me…” he whispers and dissolves into another fit of sobs. Oh God. This hurts too much. If he had known how bad it was going to hurt, he would never have… God, he feels so alone. 

 

He has come to terms with the fact that Sheppard doesn’t care about him; it will become bearable over time. Rodney just has to let go. He can put up his own walls. He can be stony and cold like John, can’t he? He will bury his hope deep down where he will never find it again. 

 

But the thought that Sheppard truly hates him is what he cannot bear. He has to say something, to apologize, to let Sheppard know that Rodney is sorry he made a mistake. No matter what he does, things will ever be the same between them. 

 

The friendship feels like it is over. The way Sheppard had looked at him with horror and disgust… and then later with hatred. It makes Rodney feel so helpless, like his soul is dying. He doesn't know if he can live with himself if Sheppard doesn’t forgive him. If he can just fix that one thing, it will be enough. If Sheppard will just forgive him… Rodney cries into pillow.

 

.  
.

 

Waking the next day, Rodney feels hollow but functional. He goes through the motions emptily. The day goes by, ticking away like clockwork, empty mechanical movements... Rodney knows Sheppard won’t be coming by the lab anymore but he lingers a little while just to be sure. 

 

Then, Rodney takes a circuitous route back to his quarters, walking slowly, lost in thought. He glances up in surprise to notice someone is walking toward him from the other direction. 

 

Oh God, it’s Sheppard. Rodney freezes. 

 

Sheppard does the same; he is just standing still staring at him. 

 

Unsure if he should try to speak, Rodney takes a careful step forward, “Uh, listen, I… just wanted to say sorry for earlier-“ 

 

“I don’t want to talk about Chaya.” Sheppard interrupts and shifts his gaze over Rodney’s shoulder.

 

Swallowing his distaste at hearing her name, Rodney steps closer to Sheppard, just out of arm’s reach. Sheppard still won’t look at him.

 

“No, I wanted to say sorry…” Rodney pleads, “about us, I didn’t mean-” 

 

Turning his head with a flash of fury, Sheppard lunges. He strikes his palm hard into Rodney’s chest, forcing Rodney up against the opposite wall. 

 

Sheppard is shaking as he projects, “I said, don’t. Go there. McKay. EVER.” 

 

Rodney blinks in shock and cringes. Is Sheppard going to attack him? He shouldn’t have said anything at all. The butt of Sheppard’s hand is piercing into his chest, but that pain is nothing compared to the way Sheppard is looking at him right now. 

 

Then Sheppard recoils and pulls his hand away as if it is burning him to the touch. He averts his eyes and looks more shocked than angry by what has just happened, leaving abruptly. 

 

Staring after him in horror, Rodney hugs himself against the wall. Oh God, he has to give this up, everything he has tried has only made things worse. Internally he struggles. Part of him feels sure he is disgusting and worthless and deserves to be treated this way but another part of him is angry. 

 

He is tired of being hurt. He doesn’t want it anymore; maybe he doesn’t even deserve it. It doesn’t really matter, he just can’t take this thing with Sheppard anymore… he has to get away, at least as much as possible when you work with someone nearly everyday. 

 

Maybe tonight Rodney will see if Carson wants to play chess again, maybe he could even let the guy win. Maybe. And no more masturbating to Sheppard, from now on it will only be Samantha Carter allowed in his fantasies. 

 

Rodney closes his eyes and visualizes a shield that no one can penetrate, least of all Sheppard. He feels better, steadier now. Sheppard hadn’t really hurt him, just scared him really. Rodney sets his face into one of grim determination, tries to gather what remains of his dignity and walks back to his quarters. 

 

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Over the next few weeks, John notices the absence of Rodney’s familiar presence. He regrets the fight, pushing Rodney into the hall. He has tried bringing offerings by the lab, as an apology, treats that Rodney likes, but he refuses them politely always saying he just ate. 

 

John’s invitations to spend any time together are equally unsuccessful. Rodney seems to always have plans with Beckett instead. John tries not to admit to himself how much he misses the man. Even just a simple late night visit to the kitchen makes him think about Rodney, ‘McKay is going to kill me if finds out I ate this without him…’” 

 

He teases Rodney at work, hoping to fall back into their old routine. He interjects where can, trying to get a response. Rodney may seem like his normal grouchy self to the outside eye but John can tell it is more. He is sure Rodney will get over their fight if John keeps trying. No need to talk about what happened. It will sort itself out. 

 

A familiar numbness has settled around him. It reminds John of the old days at McMurdo; he doesn’t mind too much. He goes through his routine… work… eat… run… sleep… It seems like Rodney barely has time to talk to him anymore. Too busy in the lab or hanging out with Beckett. 

 

Moving on, John tries to find other activities to occupy his downtime. Teyla is pretty good at fighting with those sticks of hers and John spends time with her in the gym, trying to learn a new martial art. It is challenging, he nearly always loses, but it keeps him busy. That and taking solo laps around the city outskirts. Physical exercise is always good to keep your mind off things. 

 

.  
.

 

John takes the team to follow up on a promising lead for a ZPM. The world reminds him of medieval Europe. The locals lead them to a library room where ancient manuscripts speak of a device that resembles their coveted energy source. Apparently the locals have regarded the ZPM as a religious relic. They even had a society known as the ‘Brotherhood of 15’ who once guarded its secret location before the knowledge was lost over time. 

 

While Rodney is sifting through the library records, John sits at a big table with Teyla and Ford laughing heartily and joking around. 

 

Rodney walks over to them and demands. “What is going on here?” 

 

“Just having a little fun McKay.” John says slouched over the table. Grumpy Rodney seems to have no patience for John at all. Nothing John says these days can make him laugh anymore. Even on his time off, Rodney just seems peeved. And he never wants to relax or play games.

 

“Can we get back to work now?” Rodney looks unimpressed.

 

Ford grumbles about how they aren’t going to find anything and Rodney launches into a full scale rant outlining how close could be to finding a ZPM and roundly shaming them all for their lack of effort or concern. 

 

Teyla and Ford look admonished but John keeps a scowl on his face to hide his embarrassment. He feels like Rodney has just become the team leader scolding the naughty children. 

 

Well, Rodney scolds a lot, it’s just usually no one takes him seriously. John decides to take this mission a little bit more seriously but not so much that Rodney will notice. 

 

What John does notice though is that Rodney seems to be taken the brunette librarian, Allina, who is showing them around. He seems to be hanging on her every word. Rodney’s face is radiant; he actually looks happy. 

 

“Fascinating”, Rodney tells Allina as holds her gaze longer than needed. 

 

John frowns looking at Rodney and then back to Allina “Yes. Fascinating.” He states dryly. 

 

As Rodney frowns coldly at John with a warning look, John can almost hear Rodney’s thoughts ‘Don't fucking go there, Major’. 

 

“Please go on.” Rodney smiles back up at Allina warmly.

 

She tells them about how the Brotherhood left clues and hints about the ZPM behind, should the order ever be destroyed. Allina shows them 3 stone tablets, 6 of which are still missing. She believes they form a map when complete. 

 

“Mmm,” Rodney moves close to her to inspect the tablets. “Amazing.’ He murmurs.

 

“It is actually.” John confers.

 

Rodney looks up at him sharply like he is expecting a sarcastic barb. But John likes puzzles and is truly interested in the tablet, talking about how is seems to be an ancient numbering system. 

 

Disinterested in what John is saying, Rodney and turns back to compliment Allina, “Excellent work, I mean, seriously, I’m very impressed here.” 

 

Has he ever heard Rodney give a compliment before? John’s attention is back on the pair of them. He feels a twinge of something... John has saved people’s lives… including Rodney’s. On a regular basis. And all he gets in return are digs about his intelligence and sarcastic eye rolls. She finds a few rocks and Rodney is praising her lavishly. 

 

“That’s very kind of you Doctor.” Allina sounds pleased.

 

John rolls his eyes and goes back to inspecting the rock. And Rodney continues on trying to impress the librarian with his theories. 

 

He dislikes the way he feels watching Rodney flirt. Who would have thought he was any good at it? Allina seems to be taken with him as well. 

 

Rodney pulls out a local map and makes a connection with the stones. He is brushing next to Allina as they examine it together. As Rodney points out a pattern to her, she gets excited.

 

She is attracted to his brain, John realizes. Guess that’s not so unusual. Rodney is attractive, but John likes Rodney for his brain, too. He just isn’t used to other people having the same reaction. 

 

But she just hasn’t seen Rodney’s dark side yet. It’s all fun and games when he’s excited about a new idea, but then he turns on you when his blood sugar gets low, or he gets tired, or frightened, or… if you run away when he tries to kiss you. 

 

Yeah, that’s when things got a lot grumpier. John finally admits to himself that whatever is going on isn’t due to Rodney’s moods or his workload. 

 

Rodney has been making a deliberate attempt to put some distance between them. Oh, and then there had also been John’s public affair with Chaya right after the kiss that never happened. 

 

And… he pushed Rodney in the hall when he had tried to talk to John about it. Okay. So things had definitely been weirder since then. Rodney has barely spoken to him since. He can’t really blame him. John lets it sink in. 

 

After hearing Rodney’s plans for excavation, John splits them up into two teams. He separates himself from Rodney, taking Teyla and Ford with him. Rodney goes with the librarian and her friend. 

 

A couple hours into the dig John finds the stones where Rodney said they would be. Rodney has also found success on his dig. The teams reunite at the library to assemble their findings. 

 

That evening John watches from a distance as Rodney and Allina take a break to examine a mural on the wall. “It’s beautiful.” Rodney offers. 

 

Allina looks thoughtful, “It is… and yet my eye is drawn elsewhere.” She gives Rodney an intent look, but he is still staring at the mural oblivious. 

 

“Hmm?” Rodney asks, “How so?” 

 

“I’d like to restore it one day, but I’m afraid of damaging it.” Allina pauses asking coyly, “Perhaps, you could help me, Doctor?” 

 

“Really, you need to start calling me Rodney.” 

 

How is Rodney not realizing that she wants him? He seemed so with it earlier. John watches as Rodney takes a deep breath and sits down on the bench by the mural. Allina joins him and continues to try to flirt, but Rodney looks tired and doesn’t take notice. 

 

Before Allina had started showing clear interest, Rodney was doing fine. But when someone gives him genuine attention, the guy gets oblivious? John feels a pang of guilt realizing that Rodney probably isn’t used to taking romantic risks. Rodney had taken a risk with John… and he had handled it pretty badly. 

 

Rodney gets up from his seat across the room and stumbles past the team, announcing, “I’m heading to bed.” 

 

“Which bed might that be?” John asks. 

 

“Huh…” Rodney stops for minute confused, “What?” 

 

Ford grins, “I think Allina might have a little crush on you, Doc.” 

 

“Oh, she does?” Rodney leans forward in disbelief like he is waiting for the punch line. 

 

Teyla is serious, “It is very clear to us all.” 

 

“It is?” Rodney is incredulous.

 

“Well, everyone but you, apparently.” John says dismissively.

 

Rodney leans over John’s shoulder and whispers, “Should I have um…” He asks uncertainly, “Are you sure about this?” 

 

Now John regrets saying anything. But with Teyla and Ford egging Rodney on he tries to sound casual and supportive, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.” 

 

Asking John again, Rodney keeps his voice in a whisper, “What should I do?” 

 

John’s face drops still for a moment and his heart lurches in his chest. Fortunately, Rodney can’t see him because John is sitting with his back turned. He can’t give Rodney romantic advice, this is so wrong. He decides to fall back to teasing instead, “You don’t know what to do?” 

 

“I know what to do –eventually.” Rodney sounds flustered and adorable to John, “I mean what should I do now? Should I say something tonight?” 

 

He looks to his teammates for help, but they are giving him nothing. John thinks about the self-assured Rodney he saw flirting earlier today and tries to offer him the best advice he can think of, “Tell you what Valentino- Wait till tomorrow. You’ll be more on your game after you get some rest.” 

 

“Oh. Right. Right.” Rodney leans back up to a standing position, trying to sound confident, “Good answer.” 

 

“Goodnight.” John inhales sharply and sounds constricted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes pace before/during Season 1, episode 16: 'The Brotherhood'


	5. John has no right to be possessive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John knows he has no right to be possessive... so why's it so hard dealing with someone else being interested in Rodney?_  
> .

.  
.

 

Masking with boredom on his face, John tries to keep eating with Teyla and Ford. But his heart is beating really fast and his chest feels tight. Not tired at all now, he excuses himself, saying he is sleepy. He just needed a reason, any reason to get away and breathe for a minute. 

 

Well, this feels shitty. He pushed Rodney away so he shouldn’t… He has no right to be possessive. Of course, Rodney’s going to move on, John never offered anything, so… What was Rodney supposed to do? 

 

If Rodney would just stop avoiding John maybe this wouldn’t feel so bad. They could go back to how things were. But maybe Rodney doesn’t want that anymore? 

 

What was it his ex-wife had said? A train wreck. ‘John, you’re an emotional train wreck’. He knew it was true even though he had never taken the time to examine the wreckage or try to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. 

 

So much of his life… The few people he had managed to let himself care for, it all got so twisted. 

 

‘I don’t know how to do this.’ 

 

That was the most honest thing he could say, but such a feeble explanation. Rodney deserved more. John rubs the back of his neck trying to keep a headache from coming on. 

 

Why now? Why is he thinking about all this shit now? He’s left well enough alone for this long, and it’s worked.

 

The blending with Chaya… The important puzzle pieces of his life were all together, there for her to see. And John had seen it too. It was harder to deny now. More, Chaya had seen everything that he was and she didn’t hate him for it. 

 

That acceptance had shifted something in him. Not that John knows what any of the puzzles pieces mean yet. But because of Chaya, he has gotten his first sighting of the actual wreckage. Who knows, maybe one day he could go back and try to do some damage assessment. 

 

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Rodney so totally freaked out. This is too bizarre getting dating advice from Sheppard of all people. Still, if there was someone who knows how to seduce it is the Major. He can, and does, get whatever he wants. Of course, the dashing good looks and personality don’t hurt. 

 

But, it’s too confusing for his tired mind, trying not to love Sheppard and asking him how he should hit on a woman are two things that just don’t go together well. 

 

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The next day at the dig, John sees his advice is not working out well. Rodney is sputtering and going down in flames, so nervous he can’t seem to complete a thought. 

 

“You’re very, very smart, and, uh… and attractive and whatnot, and, um… uh… You’ve got a lot of things going for you even when things don’t… you know.” 

 

John walks up to the two of them, giving Rodney another moment to pull out of the nosedive but it just gets worse. 

 

“Is everything all right?” Allina looks at Rodney with curiosity. 

 

“Everything’s great.” Rodney flounders, “It’s great. Everything’s really… going well… Why… wouldn’t it be?” 

 

He makes the call and decides to give this failed attempt at seduction a mercy killing, interrupting, “You sure we’re in the right place?” 

 

Ford calls over to them and tells them he has found something. Not a little stone but a really big one. It is covered in ancient writing and warns trespassers not to enter the chamber of the Brotherhood. 

 

The team removes the stone and enters the chamber below. Ford stays behind guarding the entrance. The room is relatively small, there is a stone medallion on the wall and a tall table with handprint devices on either side. 

 

Allina places the stone tablets onto the table. Rodney tries activating it but is unable to make it work. He says the stones represent a gate address, where the last stone will be. 

 

Then they hear gunshots from the surface and call out for Ford. Ford does not answer but the voice that does is familiar to John. 

 

“Major Sheppard, I’m afraid Lieutenant Ford has had to step away for a moment.”  

 

Rodney approaches John, “Who’s that?” 

 

“Can’t be.” John mutters. He can’t believe this guy is still alive after John shot him twice in the chest. 

 

Teyla continues, “It sounds like...” 

 

“Kolya?” John screams up to the opening above. 

 

Kolya offers up his terms menacingly, they surrender the ZPM or Ford dies and the rest of them get closed into the chamber for good. 

 

“We’re not there yet.” Rodney is trying to explain, “Look the ninth stone is hidden on another planet. All we have is the gate address.” 

 

“Dr. McKay…” the voice falsely cheerful, “So wonderful to hear your grating voice again.” after a pause, Kolya continues, “How’s the arm?” 

 

John goes cold thinking about the scars Kolya left on Rodney’s arm. He is going to kill that bastard. When Rodney joins him at the opening of the chamber to face his attacker, John is surprised

 

Rodney pulls on the rope with his scarred arm, seemingly unafraid, “Do you want to keep trading barbs all day or do you want to find the ZPM? Look, lift me out of here and I’ll help you find it but then you let my team go” 

 

“Shut up, McKay.” John protests in a loud whisper. 

 

“You got a better idea?” Rodney retorts.

 

There has got to be a better way… but Kolya knows Rodney is the one who can make this stuff work. He doesn’t want Rodney in Kolya’s hands again. Why hadn’t Rodney just stayed hidden in the back? John would have figured this out. 

 

Eventually John admits, “No.” 

 

With Rodney gone, John paces the dimly lit room trying to find an advantage or way out. He is worried, it has been too long, and he needs to come up with a plan. Teyla and Ford help him rustle up an idea on how to ambush the Genii once they are back. It might be enough, with the meager supplies Kolya left them and a few things they found in the room. 

 

When Kolya returns with Rodney and the ninth stone, the 3 of them are forced to stand to the side with their hands behind their heads while Rodney tries to configure the stones. 

 

Not understanding the puzzle, Rodney is reticent to try a combination, so Kolya orders his man Pranos to activate the center stone. Pranos places his hands into position to activate it. His wrists are locked into place momentarily and he receives a dose of lethal poison into his palms. 

 

Obviously the wrong combination. Kolya blames Rodney for his man’s death even though Rodney protests, saying, he tried to warn them something like this would happen. 

 

“What’s the correct order of the stones?” Kolya demands.

 

“I’m not sure yet.” Rodney states unequivocally.

 

Kolya paces the room assessing the librarian and the rest of Rodney’s teammates. “Well, you’ll have four chances to get it right.” 

 

He steps up to John with distaste, “You go first.” 

 

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.  
.

 

Rodney frets as he and Sheppard discuss the puzzle and tentatively move the stones. If he can’t figure this out fast… Ugh. Rodney chews his lip. Shep-… John is dead. He can’t panic now; he has to find a solution. But a solution isn't coming. Fuck. Why can’t he figure this out? 

 

John sets down a stone cautiously, “Any time you want to start... “ 

 

“I’m thinking,” Rodney’s pulse is racing and he waves a trembling hand at John, “I’m thinking. All right.” 

 

“We tried one to nine.” John says soberly.

 

“Thank you.” Rodney’s lip is starting to bleed, and he sounds short-tempered “Yes.” 

 

“How about nine to one?” John asks.

 

“Possibly.” Rodney blinks furiously trying to clear his mind, “Pranos was right. The center stone is the only one that locks into place. All the others must move around it. I’m just trying to think of a combination that makes sense with five in the middle.” 

 

Rodney often talks out loud to think things through but he isn’t used to someone else butting in. 

 

“15.” John speaks with confidence, “it’s got to have something to do with 15… or 9, or 5-” 

 

“Shut up” he says harshly. Rodney can’t keep his calculations straight like this. Then, a little regretfully he adds, “Please? I’m trying to think.” 

 

“I’m not going to shut up, Rodney” John’s body is tense and his voice incredulous. “My life’s at stake.” 

 

“Exactly, so simmer down, and let me save it!” Rodney wishes he had time to be polite but he just doesn’t. He presses his sore lips together and gives John a dire look; John isn’t paying attention. 

 

“You ever heard the term two heads are better than one?” John argues.

 

Rodney’s chest is on fire, he shouldn’t be so angry at John right now but he is. “That’s a common misconception.” He snaps, and returns to biting his lip to keep himself from screaming. 

 

“Give me the gun.” John directs himself to Kolya, “I’ll shoot him myself.” 

 

“This is taking too long. Choose and go.” Kolya warns.

 

Rodney’s anger flares at a more appropriate source, “What, you got somewhere you got to be?” 

 

“Choose and go.” Kolya is adamant.

 

“I got nothing.” Rodney whispers back to John in terror.

 

John stares at the stones a moment then dismisses him, “Thanks for the pep talk.” 

 

‘I’m so sorry John, so sorry, please forgive me’. Aloud he mumbles, “Nine to one. It’s all I can think of.” 

 

He stares at John in remorse, but John is studying the stones. ‘God help me. Don’t let these be my last words to John’. 

 

“Okay. Step back” John orders.

 

“I’m sorry.” Rodney whimpers.

 

“I’m not dead yet.” John still won’t meet his eyes.

 

Rodney tries to sound convincing for John’s sake, “Yeah.” He steps away but he breaks back down, again confessing, “Sorry.” 

 

Now John is left alone with the stones and Kolya orders him, “Major. Now.” 

 

Nothing happens for a few breaths and Rodney is wondering if he can try to tackle Kolya. He would get shot, but John might make it. There is so much blood in Rodney’s face right now, his temples are throbbing. His eyes are getting watery and he wants to scream. He has to stop this; He is going to stop this. 

 

“I got it!” John suddenly exclaims.

 

“What?” Rodney starts back toward him.

 

“The Brotherhood of 15.” John sounds excited.

 

Rodney anxiously moves closer, “What about it?” His head leans over John’s shoulder hopefully. 

 

John sounds sure when he speaks, ”The numbers 1 to 9 can be put in a 3-by-3 grid so that they add up to 15 in every direction. 

 

“Oh, you’re right.” Rodney’s face lights up. Amazed he asks, “How’d you know that?” 

 

“It was on a Mensa test.” John smiles a little sheepishly.

 

“You’re a member of Mensa?” Rodney is stunned.

 

“No,” John is still looking at the stones and answers reflexively, “but I took the test.” 

 

“When?” Rodney can’t quite picture the John he knows willingly taking a test of any kind.

 

John suddenly seems conscious of Rodney and turns to look at him, “You want to talk about this now, Rodney?” 

 

Yeah. He kind of does. How could he not know that the Major was a math whiz? Why did John let Rodney make all those digs about his intelligence and never say anything back. It’s worse that John is off-limits now because this is such a huge turn-on. 

 

It makes Rodney respect him even more than he already does. While Rodney looks up at John’s graceful stature, he has the impulsive thought that he would really love to kiss him right now. And he doesn’t kick himself too hard for thinking it because John almost died and he can’t be responsible for fleeting thoughts under such stressful situations. 

 

Before he can do anything stupid, Rodney turns his face away, “Right. Right. Okay.” He helps John arrange the stones then back again.

 

He is still quivering with fear and anticipation, but the scream that has been sitting in his chest has dispelled. Rodney’s eyes, still a little glassy, shine with relief when a ZPM emerges from the medallion. John is still alive. 

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, John nods a signal to Teyla and Ford. A stun grenade immobilizes the Genii and the team takes them out in hand-to-hand combat. Rodney would join in the fight but he wasn’t expecting this, he can’t even see straight after that flash grenade. 

 

“I can’t believe you never mentioned the Mensa thing.” He tells John on the way out. 

 

John steadies the rope, “I took the test. I never joined.” 

 

“But you passed?” Rodney asks, somehow knowing it is true.

 

“Yes.” John answers offhandedly as he continues his rope work.

 

Wondering if John would be interested, Rodney offers, “Well, you know we have a chapter on Atlantis. You could become-” 

 

“Rodney, Rodney, up the rope.”

 

By the tone of voice, Rodney can tell that is the last thing John would ever want to do. 

 

.  
.

 

Things go downhill after the team recovers the ZPM from Kolya. Allina and her people decide to take the it back into hiding for religious purposes, so the whole mission was fruitless.

 

Once they get back to Atlantis, there is worse news. 3 Hive ships have been detected on long-range sensors. Without a power source for weapons or a shield it will be pretty impossible to mount a defense. 

 

Rodney has an idea in the staff briefing. It isn’t a viable defense against the kind of all out assault they will soon face, but rather, a message in a bottle. A way to send detailed intel back to Earth in a high compression data wave. 

 

If Rodney is able to harness their remaining power sources simultaneously, he may be able to open the gate back to the Milky for approximately 1.3 seconds. He tells them that he could include a massive amount of information in that data burst. 

 

“All that in one second?” Ford in unbelieving.

 

John corrects him in mock seriousness, “1.3” 

 

“You jest,” Rodney winces at John. “but if I can finesse the compression ratios, you’ll be looking for things to add.” 

 

Elizabeth thinks it is worth trying. “Do it.”  She orders.

 

Rodney jumps up from the briefing table, “Doing it”. 

 

.  
.  
____________________________________________________  
.  
.

 

John catches up with Elizabeth on the way out of the briefing room to remind her that if the SGC was able to send help, they would have already done so. They are going to have to face these incoming Wraith ships on their own.

 

She is resolute, “We have a responsibility to warn Earth.” 

 

“Even if it’s last thing we do?” He questions.

 

“Especially if it is the last thing we do.” Elizabeth remains confident.

 

John leaves with Teyla on a recon mission to gather intel, gating to a planet along the course the Hive ships are taking. He has orders to stay in stealth mode and not to try to take on any of the Wraith ships that are culling the planet. 

 

He had repeated the command to Elizabeth like he was committing it to memory, ”Don’t take on an alien armada single handedly. Understood.”  

 

Once on the planet, Teyla introduces John to some of her friends. Knowing they are soon to be attacked, she instructs them to come to the cloaked Jumper if the Wraith arrive. 

 

“I can’t make that promise.” John clarifies to Teyla and her friends. 

 

Teyla face is cold as she asserts, “It will be the very least we can do.” 

 

“If there’s time.” John attempts a concession hoping it will be enough for Teyla. 

 

Once they are alone again, John reminds Teyla that this wasn’t supposed to be a rescue mission. 

 

She entreats John to understand, “If someone close to your family…” 

 

‘Sorry Teyla, can’t help you there, I don’t have a family.’ 

 

She continues as if responding to his thoughts, “A dear friend, was in danger of being taken by the Wraith, would you have not done the same?” 

 

“Not if it jeopardized the mission.” She can’t know that John has already done the same, back in Afghanistan. He disobeyed orders and went back in under fire. So no, he thinks, it’s not that simple Teyla. John keeps his face hard. 

 

As Teyla tries to appeal to him emotionally, John’s face remains impassive but his eyes are haunted, “You can only fight the battles you can win.” 

 

.  
.  
______________________________________________  
.  
.

 

Elizabeth seems pleased by the efficiency of Rodney's data compression and the extra time it will allow for expedition members to leave personal video messages to their loved ones back home. Rodney smiles politely and heads out of the briefing to get back to work. 

 

She stops him on the way out, asking gently, “Rodney, you don’t want to send a message to anyone?” 

 

To who? His cat? Instead he plays the part of the overworked martyr, “You know what, maybe with all my spare time I’ll just record a message myself, hmm?” 

 

Rodney tries deflecting the question back to her, “You?

 

”Yes.”she says sincerely. 

 

“Good. Good.” Rodney punctuates to let her know that the conversation is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 1 episode 16: 'The Brotherhood' & episode 17: 'Letters from Pegasus'


	6. I'm sorry we weren't closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _There has to be more to him than this, Rodney thinks to himself._  
>  _He can't really have spent his life with so little connection..._  
> .

.

.

Rodney has only slept 6 hours in the last three days so he is not at his personal best when he begins recording his message. Fluffing his hair a bit, Rodney clears his throat, and stands tall.

 

"This is Dr. Rodney McKay speaking to you from my base of operations in the lost city of Atlantis, located," he gestures dramatically, "deep within the Pegasus galaxy. I record this message on the eve of our darkest hour. As I speak, an alien armada of biblical proportions is on its way, bent- dare I say hell bent, in keeping with the metaphor- on our destruction."

 

Feeling clever Rodney smiles, "We will do our best to stave off the attack, but I am afraid that defeat is all but inevitable. I, and the other members of my team, face the most horrific deaths imaginable as our very lives are… are sucked out from our chests in a- in a…"

 

Rodney curls his hand toward his chest for effect "a horrific... "

 

Uh. That's not good. Don't want to go out looking like a coward. Waving his hand in front of his face, Rodney motions for a time out.

 

"Okay, um… Okay, starting again, starting again."

 

Pacing a bit to find his bearings, Rodney returns to face the recording device with a bright smile.

 

"And in 5, 4, 3… My friends, I'm Dr. Rodney McKay of the Atlantis expedition, and as the facts of our heroic struggle against the Wraith and our untimely demise are already known to you, in that light, I'd like to pass along some final thoughts. Now, my extensive education, training, and firsthand experience in the field of astrophysics has given me a unique perspective that few on Earth, or, ah, well, any other planet, for that matter- can match."

 

He takes a self-satisfied breath and continues, "I'd like to take a few moments now to pass along that perspective to you."

 

Fumbling with a stack of index cards he states, "I'll begin with a few observations on a subject that is both near and dear to my heart."

 

Smiling with sleep-deprived confidence He pulls the top index card out, "Leadership."

 

But Rodney's thoughts quickly digress from his subject entirely. He sits down and forgets about the recording, rambling about the people he has loved in his life and how none of them had really returned his affections.

 

April Bingham, a cute blonde who he'd lost his virginity to, after a disastrous first kiss that had given him Mono. It had taken Rodney a long time to work up the confidence to sleep with her even once they were officially an item. She had been nice but after graduation she went to another college.

 

Philip, Rodney doesn't mention him by name, but just describes him as another blonde in college. He thought it was love while it lasted, but it turned out the feelings weren't completely mutual.

 

After college there was a lot of rejection. Rodney muses, maybe it's just really hard to meet people in his field. There were a handful of women that he'd dated but only one that seemed to care for him much, Kendra. She had ended things eventually, just like everyone else.

 

He doesn't mention Steven or the drunken encounter in a gay bar that he regrets to this day. And he leaves out his last actual relationship, which he shudders to remember. Alex was too cruel and Rodney's participation in whatever that had been was just sadomasochistic, proof of his own self-loathing.

 

Switching gears Rodney thinks about another cute blonde- Samantha Carter. He'd never dated her but if he had spent more time at the SGC, maybe. He hopes. He really prefers women with shorter hair and a kind of boyish charm about them.

 

"Mmm... He gets wistful, "Samantha Carter, if you're watching…"

 

Placing his hand over his heart, Rodney sighs. "The torch is still burning. Sadly, soon to be extinguished, but ah, you know, you should know I think you are just so... Well, you're great, you're really, really great.

 

And I would go so far as saying you're the hottest scientist that I've ever worked with. In fact, there is not a night that goes by that I don't find myself, uh… "

 

 _‘What the fuck is he talking about?’_ Rodney winces to himself. What is it with him and blondes?

 

Well, there had been that brunette in Antarctica. Sheppard.

 

Out loud, Rodney says, "Let's get back to um, leadership."

 

He certainly isn’t going to talk about whatever happened between him and John on tape. The Major had just breezed into his life and easily pushed past his defenses, made Rodney give himself over entirely. Despite the fact that Rodney knew it wasn't safe. Despite the fact that he was still so damaged from everything that happened with Alex. Rodney had given John everything; he had felt so much for him. He still does.

 

Even once it was over Rodney couldn't stop feeling, watching himself helplessly fall in love with the Major. The cold, unreachable Major who cares for him as little as any of the others have. It’s been like watching a disaster in slow motion, one that he still doesn’t know how to put a stop to.

 

There has to be more to him than this? Rodney thinks to himself, he can't really have spent his life with so little connection. Brightly he remembers his cat and begins to extol the virtue of the feline companionship.

 

"Cats are self-sufficient, they're dependable, you shake the box, they come running. The cynic would say it's because of the food, but my cat, see, I truly believe that he enjoys my company. There's something very comforting about coming home from work at the end of the day and having a familiar face waiting for you, you know?"

 

Rodney stops his reverie for a moment realizing how pathetic he sounds. Most people would probably have an actual human face greeting them at home not just a cat. He reaches back for the index cards.

 

"I digress. Where was I? Uh… right. Leadership."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

The wormhole the Wraith have kept open finally closes. John moves to dial the gate out before they can block them from making it back to Atlantis.

 

Teyla is still furious with him even though he waited for her friend to meet them at the rendezvous point as long as they possibly could.

 

She was furious even before he made the call to leave, looking at John as if he were some kind of heartless bastard, "What else do you want from me?" he’d asked.

 

"Too much, I fear." she had answered like he was a man beyond redemption.

 

But John's waited as long as he can. He has his orders. Elizabeth was clear that he was to gather intel only on the progression of Hive ships making their way to Atlantis. He knows from bitter experience; you can't save everyone.

 

Teyla grabs her gun and tells John he can leave if he wants, but she is staying behind to search for him.

 

"You can't do that." John orders.

 

She spins angrily back to face him, "I consider Orin as family, Major. I am sorry if you do not understand what that means."

 

John doesn't have a family, he lost that a long time ago. But he knows what it's like to think you've found something to replace it and then lose it again.

 

He’s been here before, it sounds disingenuous but he tells her, "I understand, Teyla, but that's not the point-"

 

She is unmoved "With or without you, I am staying." She runs out of the Jumper to go help her friend.

 

 _'Dammit He can't leave Teyla behind.'_  John leaves the cloaked Jumper and goes after her towards the sounds of weapons fire and people screaming.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney's rambling has digressed again. He is morose, bemoaning all the things he will miss out on… due to dying. He knows he sounds whiny; listing inconsequential items, rather than anything really matters.

 

What really matters?

 

"My sister…" He sits back up alert again, "Jeanne, it's your brother, Rodney. Obviously. I want to say, um… I want to say something, uh… Family is important. I've come to realize that, because the people here have become a sort of a, kind of a, surrogate family to me. -Now, I know what you're thinking. I've never really been the poster child for that kind of sentiment, but when contemplating one's own demise, one tends to see things more clearly."

 

Rodney realizes the immense honesty of what he has just said, how much he cares for everyone on Atlantis, especially John. He resolves to get over the emotional hang-ups he has, forgive John for not loving him, and salvage the friendship if he can. In whatever time they have left, that is.

 

He continues magnanimously mostly to his sister, but also to John, "I really do wish you the best, you know, and I'm sorry we weren't closer. Perhaps, um… If by chance I make it out of this, perhaps one day we _can_ be, and I would like that."

 

Rodney is overcome with emotion for a moment and he snaps himself out of it, "Now, if there's time I'd like to go back to the subject of leadership."

 

But there isn't time. The recorder has stopped. Huh. He can't believe how fast that went by. Rodney sets off to give the tape to Ford, since he’s in charge of compiling the personal messages. Ford seems surprised since he has been the one recording short messages for everyone, even more so when Rodney explains he recorded a whole hour.

 

Admitting it may need some editing, he muses, "See," "I found it rather therapeutic, actually… Now I'm fairly confident I've come up with several valuable insights. In fact, I'm sure of it… but, uh, I've only slept 6 hours in the last few days, so, um…" Rodney waves his fingers next to his temple to indicate his possible diminished capacity.

 

"Who's it for?" Ford asks.

 

Rodney lifts his eyebrows considering the question, "Humanity in general, my sister… Look, I don't expect you to cut it down to just a few minutes. I mean there is gold in here. So just make sure mine's last, and that way if it gets cut off, fine… but, ah, if the gate holds the connection for a few extra milliseconds, then we won't have wasted the time."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

After returning to Atlantis with Teyla's friend and a small contingent of survivors from the culled planet, Elizabeth asks if John would like to record a personal message for anyone on Earth.

 

Reminded that he has no one there that would miss him if he lived or died, John answers "I'm good", looking away uncomfortably.

 

She tells him that she has already recorded personal messages for the family of the team members they have lost, but she wonders if John could say a few words about his fallen commander Sumner.

 

Remembering how he shot Sumner in the chest to end his final moments of suffering at the hands of the Wraith, he blinks a few times, feeling a heaviness ache through his bones. He supposes it's the least he can do.

 

.

.  


Unsure of who to address, John speaks to the camera, "I'm not sure if Colonel Sumner's parents are still alive. I'm not sure he even has a family back there."

 

John explains, "Not all of us do..."

 

He takes a breath, "But if he does have family, they should know that he died with honor and courage in the performance of his duty. He carried the burden of a leader, and he carried it well." _‘A far more capable leader than John’s ever been.’_

Trying to think of what else he can say about this man, John continues out loud, "I didn't get the chance to know him well…"

 

"But I know this." John speaks more confidently now, "Considering the type of man he was and what we're up against? Yeah, I wish he was still here." _'Instead of me.'_  

 

Saying a stilted "Goodbye", he stands up because he can't talk to the camera anymore and he has to be alone.

 

God, this fucking train wreck in his head is too loud right now and he has to be alone. Sumner was the better man and John shouldn't even be here.

 

Taking a moment to compose himself in his quarters, John tries to quiet the noise. He has to do something about this twisted mess. He knows he doesn't deserve to be here, but he has to stay strong. He can't be thinking about all the dead or missing people from his life right now.

 

Or Rodney. Fucking Rodney won't even talk to him.

 

This is not how John wanted it to go down. He hadn't meant to hurt Rodney, not again. _‘Focus John’_ There is nothing to do but pull himself together, no other choice. John has to stand alone and stand strong, the way he always has.

 

Unless… There is that therapist Heightmeyer… No. Out of the question. John will handle this on his own; he can't risk anything getting out. He can't seem weak. Besides, he’s never been good at talking about stuff.

 

John paces and calms himself enough to turn the volume down in his head, at least a little bit. He is actually looking forward to the coming fight. That’s when he's at his best, in the midst of action and chaos. There is no noise then.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Everyone is busy searching for a way they might be able to fight off the Wraith. There is so little time, Rodney has allowed himself only short naps. He blinks at his computer screen…  so tired. Maybe he’ll close his eyes and rest for 30 seconds to recharge.

 

His mind drifts and Rodney thinks about how therapeutic it felt to ramble on camera. He wonders if that is what therapy is like. Maybe he should consider speaking to the expedition therapist Dr. Heightmeyer.

 

God knows, Rodney has a lot of issues to work out. He’s really screwed up over this thing with John. And probably still massively screwed up over everything that happened with Alex. But Alex is one thing he’ll never talk about with anyone. Ever. For now he just has to drink more coffee and get back to work. It is going to be another late night with little to no sleep.

 

He opens his eyes and keeps typing. His hands move over the keys methodically as he looks over the Ancient schematics, searching for something, anything that might prove be useful to defend the city. He stops typing, feeling someone looking at him. He turns his head to the doorway.

 

John.

 

Rodney hasn't seen much of him lately. Since the incident where John had pushed him against the wall and screamed at him, John’s been pretty scarce around the lab. He doesn't step inside, but just looks at Rodney from the hall. He has dark circles under his eyes. They probably all do right now, but John looks… worse.

 

Standing uncertainly, Rodney joins him in the hall. He gives him a wary look. John says nothing but presses his lips together and looks down. Then John whispers, but it is nearly inaudible.

 

"What?" Rodney doesn't want to risk walking any closer to him.

 

John's eyes dart around the hallway anxiously. There is no one here but he walks forward, away from the view of anyone in the lab. Cautiously, Rodney follows. Then John edges closer to him, keeping about a foot of distance. He inhales and exhales slowly, closing his eyes, "Sorry."

 

Are they really going to talk about this now? Rodney doesn't know what to say.

 

"I'm sorry." John gazes steadily at Rodney with wide eyes. He looks ragged, like he really means it.

 

"Oh. Um. I'm sorry, too." Rodney blinks and looks down.

 

"No…" John's tone is sorrowful, "you don't… I'm the one who should… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

 

Lifting his gaze, Rodney sees John is still staring at him with those haunting and unreachable eyes. Rodney wonders if his own face looks as faltering as it feels. Probably. He has always hated how expressive his face is.

 

Oh. Then Rodney realizes John is waiting for an answer. "Um, it's okay?"

 

Lifting his eyebrows uncertainly, John bites his lip and knits his brows together, "Uh, maybe we could hang out again, one of these days…"

 

Rodney gives a small nod and John continues, "You know, maybe just watch a movie or something?"

 

"Yeah." Rodney finds his voice. "Okay, a movie."

 

John gives a weak smile and Rodney isn't sure what else to say. They look at each other awkwardly for a moment, then Rodney offers John an out, pointing his thumb back to the lab, "I should probably…"

 

"Yeah, I know, me too." John nods.

 

Rodney turns to go but then spins around, "Hey. I'll… See you later."

 

"Yeah, later." John smiles more enthusiastically.

.

.

 

So John wants the team to go check out an Alpha site as a possible location for evacuation. To to get out of it, Rodney makes up a valid-sounding excuse about working on the control chair. It is a legitimate problem. Trying to determine if, uh, they can siphon off enough of the city's power to use the weapons array.

 

It just so happens that right now Rodney is not actually working on the chair –not that it would have worked anyway.

 

Rodney keeps an eye out on his way to Dr. Heightmeyer's office; he doesn't want anyone to know that he came here. Once inside Rodney feels even more ill at ease, maybe this was a bad idea.

 

He’s never liked the way Heightmeyer looks at him. She is attractive enough but he dislikes her way of seeming concerned and be smug at the same time. If someone is going to be smug, Rodney prefers they do it honestly. As long as she doesn't say anything than it should be okay.

 

After some preliminary greetings, Rodney asks if he can lie on the Freudian style couch rather than sit across from her in a chair.

 

Heightmeyer responds, "Well, I usually prefer, especially if I'm meeting with someone for the first time, for it to be face to face." She looks like she’s used to people doing what she tells them to.

 

Rodney lies down on the couch, "I just have a few things I need to get off my chest-"

 

"Yes, Rodney what brings you here?" She rudely interrupts.

 

"Well, if you would just stop talking," Rodney is annoyed already, "I was about to tell you… Obviously I'm very stressed. I have a very important job here. Lots of people depending on me-"

 

Heightmeyer interrupts again, "And how does that make you feel?"

 

"If you would just shut up, I was about to tell you." Rodney's voice is sharp.

 

Her reply sounds condescending, "Well Rodney, it's my job to ask questions and-"

 

He waves his hand, "Can you just try to keep it to a bare minimum please. I'm not looking for a lot of input. I just need to be able to talk. Something I can't do, if you are interrupting me every time I open my mouth."

 

Offering a compromise, Heightmeyer suggests, "How about I let you get whatever you need to off of your chest, and then you let me talk to you and ask some questions".

 

"Fine." Rodney sighs, "30 minutes is better than nothing."

 

She is talking again, "I didn't say-"

 

"Talking now." Rodney lifts a finger, "As I was saying, I have a lot of stress that I need to vent about. Work. Well, everything is work. The people I work with. The people who work for me. It's all very problematic, and, uh, I wish it was as easy as it is with my cat, but, uh…

 

You know, my cat is the one person, well, I realize he's not really a person, but he actually likes me. Other people, not so much…

 

And I know you could say that is my fault, for being so caustic, but I can tell you, they’ve never liked me, either way. This way, at least I've got something to defend myself with. I just don't understand why it's so easy for some people, everybody likes them…

 

 

My whole life I've been alone, toiling under great pressure, completely underappreciated. Am I bitter about it? Sure, a little. But, what else can I do? It's not like you can force people to like you. Can you? I mean, is there some magic solution?"

 

Heightmeyer doesn't answer and Rodney leans up to look at her.

 

"Did you want me to answer that question?" She asks.

 

Rodney leans his head back on the pillow, "Well, it was a question wasn't it?"

 

"No," Heightmeyer sounds hesitant, "I don't think there is any magic solution, but sometimes talking through our feelings can help us discover-"

 

"That would be a no, then." Rodney speaks over her, "It's fine, I'm a genius, if there was a solution, I would have come up with it by now. So, that means I'm just left with this terrible, alone… feeling.

 

That doesn't go away. Only, now it's worse than ever, and I don't mean because we are all going to die soon, though that is a consideration. But no, just the empty, empty, nothing that pervades all existence…

 

Well, not everyone suffers from it, apparently, but some of us are smart enough to realize the futility of emotion." Rodney sighs, "Futile emotions yet trapped nonetheless by their soul crushing impact…

 

I, I, don't even think it's a low self-esteem thing, because it's actually true that no one has ever cared much for me. And, and, I seriously doubt they ever will. It's just a fact, one I have to live with. Still, I suppose self-esteem is a consideration…

 

Well, I don't have any, so that would be more like negative self-esteem. Which is surprising when you consider how brilliant I am. But emotionally, it's a real mess…"

 

Rodney has accidentally given Heightmeyer too much of a gap. She asks, "What would you say, is bothering you most?"

 

He isn't sure how much he wants to reveal to her, "I… I, don't know. That isn't enough? The meaninglessness and futility of existence?

 

I mean, I suppose… There is one person in particular that I'm having problems with… Someone I have… feelings about… They don't have feelings for me … They don't feel the same way about me."

 

"That sounds painful." Heightmeyer is saccharine.

 

"Yes, of course, it's painful!" Rodney makes a noise of frustration, "Why else would I have bothered to come here? Maybe this was a mistake."

 

Heightmeyer holds her tongue and Rodney continues," It's all… just so fucked up now. There's other stuff… Stuff that happened in the past that… it still effects me –And no. I don't want to talk about it.

 

It's just hard to separate it all out. The way I feel about myself… It's, ugh. I just want to stop feeling anything, I don't… I don't know what I'm doing with this person. I can't stop myself from wanting more, but that's never going to happen."

 

Rodney snaps his fingers a few times, "Okay. Yes, That’s the reason I'm here. That, that, wanting more, and, and, and the way it feels. I don't know how to stop it…" Rodney sighs and is grateful Heightmeyer keeps silent.

 

He begins again, "I, uh, I want to stay friends, because, in a way he-they, this person, is the closest friend I've ever had. It’s pathetic I know, but I haven't had a lot of friends, so… There's that.

 

But over the last year we've gotten pretty close… There was even a time when we were… more. I don't know exactly what it was… I guess, they were pretty aggressive about seeking me out. I was flattered, and I let them… sexually… Well, it felt sort of good but also bad. I felt empty and used afterwards.

 

But then it stopped; I guess they were done with me. Which isn't that surprising, since thats how it always ends. You know? When they're done with me. But, ah, this time, it was different. We still spent so much time together… It felt so… so close, you know? I let myself start to think…"

 

Rodney puts a hand over his eyes, "I… fell in love… and, now I can't get out of it. I can't stop feeling this way. I feel like I screwed everything up, with the friendship, I mean. I, uh, kind of made a move… and it was, uh… painfully bad. The reception, I mean. Probably the move, too.

 

But I'm angry about it… I don't understand exactly… I just feel toyed with, drawn in and then pushed away. Literally, pushed away. And I think if I had a friend who… maybe felt more for me than I wanted… I just think I would have been nicer about the whole thing. I don't know, it would have been awkward either way, but I mean, the way he-"

 

Realizing he has made a slip up, giving away the pronoun, Rodney decides to continue without addressing it, "It was bad. The whole thing was been bad. And then they waltz back and start acting like nothing ever happened. It's too confusing. I haven't had a lot of experience with friends, but it feels like… I don't know. The way they act with me is… confusing…"

 

"That sounds confusing." Heightmeyer comments.

 

"Uh." Rodney refrains himself from an acerbic retort, "Yeah. Confusing… I doubt I'll live long enough to have to worry about it much longer, with the Wraith attack imminent, but… I've been keeping my distance… but I don't want to anymore.

 

After he apologized, I just had to admit to myself how much I've missed him. It doesn't matter if it hurts, I just want him. In whatever limited way I can, I mean. But it just hurts… all the time. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop caring so much. I don't suppose you know some way to achieve that?"

 

"No, I'm afraid it isn't that simple." She answers, "But as I was saying earlier, sometimes talking through the process can help alleviate the feelings, or help us move through them."

 

Rodney gets distracted and irritated by the rest of the session. Heightmeyer can't seem to stop asking rhetorical questions and offering simplistic platitudes. He felt better when he was talking to himself alone in a room. After the hour is up Rodney does not make another appointment.

 

On his way out he sees Teyla and quickly makes up an excuse he hopes sounds plausibly believable, "I was just, um..." Rodney lowers his voice to a whisper, "We're seeing each other."

 

"You and Dr. Heightmeyer?" Teyla looks skeptical.

 

He steps out into the hall so as not to be overheard, "Well you know how much I love women with great, um… minds. And uh, just don't say anything to…" He catches himself before he says 'John', instead saying "anyone"

 

"Your secret is safe with me." Teyla says with a seriously bemused expression on her face.

 

"Right. Very good. Excellent." Rodney hopes to God this lie doesn't get out. It would be even more of an embarrassment than admitting he needed help with his emotional problems. He bolts before anyone else sees him in this corridor.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places in Season 1 through episode 17 "Letters to Pegasus" & episode 18 "The Gift"  
> .


	7. So long Rodney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _It's over. John is gone._  
>  _Some kind of chasm has opened up in Rodney's chest; he can feel it gaping, like he must be bleeding out on the floor of the control room._  
> .

.

.

With their last hope to stop the Wraith ships gone, they are out of options. It’s time to evacuate to the new Alpha site. Rodney had done the best he could, even managing to revive the long dead Langrangia weapons satellite, but it was only able to take out one of the Hive ships before they destroyed it. John stands next to Elizabeth to arm the self-destruct codes; he enters them and it is done.

 

The alarm begins blaring. Elizabeth orders Rodney to dial the Alpha site but before he can complete the dialing sequence to the site, an incoming wormhole opens with Stargate Command's identification codes. They drop shields immediately and run down to the gate.

 

John is stunned when military personnel begin streaming into the room with supplies. A man named Colonel Everett introduces himself and unceremoniously relieves them of duty.

 

Rodney's face lights up, "You got our message."

 

"We got your message." Everett answers.

 

As the Colonel dresses them down, ordering them about like minions without explaining his plan, John is kicking himself for wishing earlier that he wasn't the military commander on Atlantis, "What exactly is your job, Sir?" He asks.

 

Taking charge of the situation, Everett's voice booms with confidence, "I should think that would be obvious to you by now, Major." He gestures his hand with authority pointing at Sheppard. "We are going to defend Atlantis at all costs."

 

Rodney pieces together that the SGC must have found another ZPM and Everett affirms that it will be arriving in their new spacecraft, the Daedalus, in 4 days; they only have to hold out that long.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney works with Zelenka to hook up the new Mark II power generators Everett brought for the weapons chair. Still, he’s uncertain if they are going to be able to tie in the generators, powerful as they are, into the Ancient power system. The technologies just aren't truly compatible.

 

His body is aching from lack of sleep, practically delirious, but the adrenaline keeps him afloat. His mind wanders to the first time he saw John on a chair, back in Antarctica.

 

Blinking heavily, Rodney realizes he is going to need something more to keep him awake. After a quick bite and some stims from Carson, he brings the doctor back with him to see if they can power up the chair. The generators are hooked in, but he is getting grouchy because Carson can't operate the chair the way John can. No one can make Ancient tech work like John, but Carson isn't even trying and it's driving Rodney crazy.

 

"I'm serious. Major Sheppard's your man." Carson keeps trying to convince Rodney that he can’t do it.

 

"Of course he is." Rodney swallows, feeling sad.

 

He wishes John was his man, but that one… is unreachable.

 

Again Rodney thinks back to the first time he ever saw John, in a chair just like this one. Rodney had been instantly attracted to him, mesmerized. He flushes thinking back to the wonder he felt when John actually wanted him back, the way John felt inside in. How he made Rodney helpless to his touch.

 

Now everything with John is just so… Ugh.

 

Rodney wishes they were back in time, maybe not Antarctica but later when he and John had become, well, almost friends. When everything between the two of them seemed… almost perfect. Back before certain destruction from the Wraith was bearing down on them. Rodney blinks himself back into focus; he’s got to make this work; it may be the only way to save the city.

 

Telling Carson that John is out deploying space mines, Rodney complains that he is stuck having to do this with the doctor instead. After some continued verbal chiding on Rodney's part, Carson finally properly sets his mind to the task at hand and brings the chair to life.

 

But once Rodney gets some preliminary readings, he realizes that the weapons drones have been nearly depleted. They were expecting thousands but only a few dozen remain.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John begins to understand why Everett has been treating him like a pariah when he takes him aside to inform him that Colonel Sumner was a close personal friend of his.  _'Of course. He read the mission reports Rodney sent back in the data stream'_

 

He glares at John, "I cannot for the life of me, figure out how it is that you could go as far as you did and not save him."

 

A warm shame rises through John's body, he presses his lips together and lowers his eyes.

 

Everett continues, "How you could get that close-"

 

John speaks up, "By the time I reached Colonel Sumner-"

 

"Worse," Everett takes command of the conversation again, "you admit to firing the shot that killed him."

 

Raising his voice to be heard, John explains, "Because I believed that's what he wanted me to do."

 

His face full of contempt, Everett steps closer to John, "You knew him that well, did you?"

 

Answering more softly, John shakes his head, "You weren't there, Sir".

 

"I wish for his sake, I was." Everett moves in, inches from John's face.

 

He matches Everett's stare, trying to hide his shame and uncertainty, but eventually he breaks, admitting, "There isn't a night that doesn't go by where that moment doesn't play in my head…"

 

John's lip curls downward betraying his disgust with himself, "And every time it does-"

 

Before he can finish throwing himself at the Colonel's mercy, a radio call interrupts his confession.

 

He'd been about to admit everything. How he'd failed Sumner, just like he'd failed everyone… How he was never good enough for this command, that he is as worthless a soldier as Everett thinks him to be.

 

"We'll finish this later." Everett promises menacingly, and tells John to man the chair for the incoming wave of Wraith Darts.

 

Atlantis goes dark waiting for the storm… and then bright colors cross above the city, lighting the sky with weapons fire. The siege has begun. Rodney is already in the weapons control room getting the chair synced with the generator when John races in.

 

"McKay, fire it up!"

 

"It'll take a minute." Rodney is short.

 

"We don't have a minute." John reminds him.

 

"Look this generator can only power the chair because it operates in a state of barely controlled overload- "

 

"Just get the damn thing working."

 

"That's what I'm trying to do." Rodney says through clenched teeth.

 

The city starts to shake with larger explosions… 

 

"You've got power, go!" Rodney shouts.

 

John leans back and takes control, slipping into peace; he can feel the city, he can feel the drones, he guides them strategically without any effort.

 

Visualizing the whole battle that is happening above, he directs the remaining drones where they are needed, filling in the empty gaps in the other defenses Everett has deployed. He gets the last Dart as it is trying to make a getaway, then sits back up and smiles at Rodney.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney doesn't know why John does this, but it goes beyond the military or trying to save people's lives. It's a good cover, but Rodney knows John likes this, likes playing Russian roulette with his life as often as he can.

 

John always seems at his best in a crisis, riding the wave of adrenaline, but there really is something so wantonly reckless about him that it's suicidal. Rodney wishes he could reach beyond John's wall and find out why.

 

The first wave of the assault is over but the main ships haven't even arrived yet, the city is crawling with the Wraith that beamed down from the Darts earlier... and John's plan? John's plan is to kill himself. Well, technically to fly a Jumper into a Hive and detonate it with himself and a nuke inside. But if Rodney can configure the weapons chair properly, he thinks it could be used to remote control the Jumpers and save John from himself.

 

Using stims to keep himself going on no sleep, Rodney finishes configuring the chair and nuclear devices into the Jumpers just as the Hive ships drop into orbit.

 

"McKay!" John waits impatiently in the chair for something to happen while Rodney struggles with the generator.

 

Rodney yells back over the din of weapons fire. "There's something wrong, power levels are dropping." 

 

The city is taking a brutal second assault and Rodney can't get the power to come on line.

 

"Rodney, nothing is happening." Zelenka points out.

 

There is another explosion and Elizabeth yells into her radio, "Why are there no Jumpers in the air?"

 

"We must have exhausted the Mark II's energy output. It's dead." Rodney answers.

 

The city is being pummeled by explosions and Rodney is desperate, "There's got to be a way too…"

 

He looks up in time to see John's lithe figure slip out of the chair. He is almost out the door before Rodney can process what he heard him say as he was leaving.

 

"So long, Rodney."

 

_ 'So long, Rodney?' _

 

Jumping to his feet in a panic, Rodney screams, "MAJOR!" But John has disappeared down the hall.

 

_ Goddammit John. _ Rodney is trembling a little bit from the stims, but mostly because he knows what John is about to do. Fuck. Rodney paces, shaking like a leaf.

 

No. Oh God, John... This can’t be happening; Rodney has to stop him.

 

He runs as fast as he can to the control room.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

As he pilots the cloaked Jumper up towards the Hive ship, John's mind slips back to the moment when he was sitting in the briefing room just a day or two ago. It's hard to say when exactly... it's been so long since he's slept. John was listening to Rodney explain his plan for saving Atlantis by reviving that Ancient weapon satellite. The one above the planet where Rodney'd saved his life. 

 

Then he thinks back to the mission on that planet where the Wraith had almost ended up killing him. After Rodney had saved him, there had been that moment in the back of the Jumper. John had let his guard down and hugged Rodney. It's not the kind of thing he'd ever done before. It had only been for a few minutes, but they had seemed to last an eternity... Right now John can't ever remember feeling better than when he had Rodney in his arms that day.

 

There is something about Rodney that makes John want to be closer to him than he should. There is something about him John finds so irresistible. Like when Rodney gave that briefing about his plan to revive the satellite. God, he'd looked so handsome. John hadn't been able to keep his eyes off him. When Rodney's all excited about something, just he gets so...sexy. 

 

Maybe it was the copious amounts of caffeine they were all drinking to stay awake at that point, but Rodney had never looked more attractive to him. Rodney's soft skin seemed to have a certain glow about it; his arms muscular and toned folded confidently in front of his chest, his blue shirt hugging his body in a flattering way.

 

From his perch, John took it all in without really listening to the details of what Rodney was saying. It was the way he was saying it that made John stare.

 

Since everyone else in the room had their eyes trained on Rodney it was the perfect opportunity to enjoy fantasizing about his body. He eyed the way Rodney's light brown hair framed his boyish face, the way the pitch of his cheekbones matched perfectly with his nose and jawline, the eyes so blue and expressive. John's gaze lingered on the lips, wondering what it would have been like if he'd let McKay kiss him.

 

He's never kissed a guy but he imagines somehow with Rodney it would have been good. 

 

His eyes raked down the rest of McKay's body and John he had let himself imagine it all. The kiss and everything else that would have come after.

 

Closing his eyes. John stops himself from thinking about what might have been and snaps back to the present moment.  _Focus John._  He has a lifetime full of regrets and now is not the time to think about them. Now is the time to fight to the death, like a good soldier.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

When Rodney reaches the control room John is already gone, speaking over the radio to Elizabeth, "You know, if this thing works somebody might have to do it again."

 

Rodney turns away from the others because he can't hide the grief on his face.

 

"Understood." Elizabeth replies.

 

Disbelieving she would let him do this he is stunned, "You let Sheppard fly that Jumper?" He turns to her with growing horror.

 

She gives a slight nod and he looks at her with complete betrayal. Elizabeth lowers her eyes and Rodney wonders why. Is it out of shame that she would sacrifice him for the city? Or maybe it is pity for the pain she sees on Rodney's face... He turns away again unable to look at her anymore.

 

But she doesn't give him a reprieve; Elizabeth is resolute. She orders Rodney, "Help me arm the self-destruct, in case this fails."

 

He follows her to the front console, obedient, but looking at her darkly. There is a lump in his throat that he is trying to swallow as he punches in his command codes. The alarm begins to blare and when Rodney looks over at Elizabeth again he sees her as she has never been before.

 

Steel resolve, cold and hard. The power she exudes is impressive, almost like a wicked queen from a fairy tale. Rodney has never feared Elizabeth before, he does now. The lump in his throat is getting bigger and his eyes are getting too watery. He will have to be careful about blinking and keep his eyes wide or they will spill over.

 

"They haven't detected my approach." John is speaking over the com again, "The weapon is armed and ready. I'm going in."

 

Rodney feels numb, pacing but trying to sound professional as he reports to Elizabeth, "Detonation in 5, 4, 3, 2..."

 

There is a flash on the view screen that confirms the explosion of one of the Hive ships.

 

It is over. John is lost to him, gone forever.

 

Some kind of chasm has opened up in Rodney's chest; he can feel it gaping, like he must be bleeding out on the floor of the control room. 

 

"He did it." Elizabeth says with pride.

 

"Yeah." Rodney can't move, his voice bitter and sad, "He did it."

 

John's last words haunt him,  _'So long, Rodney'._

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter takes place during Season 1, episode 20 "The Siege: Part 2"


	8. Trainwreck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Pulling him in protectively, Rodney tightens his arm around John._  
> .

.  
.

 

Carson turns around and gives Rodney a sympathetic expression, but it is cut short by another sensor alarm.

 

Rodney opens his eyes wide, blinks and looks up to keep the tears from falling. He can't believe John is really gone he never got the chance to say goodbye. There is so much he wishes... Rodney's eyes swim and the voices in the control room blur. He thinks he hears someone say "Sheppard."

 

"John?" it sounds like Elizabeth is asking a question.

 

And then Rodney hears a voice "What other Sheppards do you know?" The response is wry and sounds an awful lot like John.

 

Carson clasps his shoulder in relief, saying, "Oh thank God."

 

"No, no, it can't be." Rodney walks forward in disbelief with the stray tears still in danger of falling, "We saw the Hive ship go up."

 

An unknown voice speaks over the com, it's the Daedalus, they say they have John; The voice introduces himself. "Colonel Stephen Caldwell, Commander of the Daedalus. We are ready to assist you."

 

Swallowing hard, Rodney knows he is not going to be able to hold back the emotion now, he falls forward, clutching at the console in front of him.

 

"Oh thank you." Rodney gasps.

 

Collapsing into the chair nearby, he pulls his hands over his face to hide some of the unbidden tears that are falling down his cheeks. He can hear the self-destruct being aborted and Elizabeth speaking to Caldwell. He's got to pull himself together.

 

"Dr. McKay?" Rodney flinches when he hears Caldwell address him and quickly rubs his eyes with the butt of hands. Bolting out of the chair, he is upright again.

 

"Present, yes." He answers, blinking furiously to fight back the tears still threatening to spill.

 

Caldwell beams down the ZPM for Rodney to place into the Atlantis systems. And Rodney's smile returns as he gleefully explains to a surprised Carson how the Daedalus has been outfitted with Asgard beaming technology.

 

John's warm voice speaks into his earpiece, this time addressing him directly, "Rodney. What do you say we get the shields back up?"

 

His face is flushed with happiness and an ear splitting grin. "What say we." Rodney pulls out the coveted ZPM. The world is suddenly so beautiful.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John helps the Daedalus take out the remaining Hive ship, but some small remaining cruisers jump to hyperspace and escape. They try to destroy the small Darts that have already been deployed, but they are regrouping and headed straight for Atlantis. It looks like the Darts are making a suicide run on the unshielded city, and Daedalus is too far out of range to help.

 

There is no way of knowing what is happening, not with all the interference from the explosions. John can't get Atlantis to come in on the coms. It is the first time in the last few days that he has been truly afraid. What if Rodney never made it to the power core with the ZPM? The city is infested with Wraith and John isn't there to protect him.

 

"Atlantis, this is Sheppard. Come in." He feels an icy grip in his chest.

 

"Atlantis?” He feels hollow but keeps asking, "Elizabeth, I repeat, this is Sheppard. What is your status?"

 

Finally, Elizabeth's voice comes through, broken with static, but alive. "We're still here. That's our status."

 

"Don't scare me like that." John goes limp with relief; Rodney must have gotten the shields up in time.

 

.

.

 

When he beams back into the gate room, he calls out sarcastically "Well, I'm home."

 

Elizabeth walks up to him, stops a few paces away, and then clasps him in an unexpected hug.

 

Stunned, John just stands immobile with his arms to his side. He has not had a lot of experience with physical displays of affection in his life. Of course there was his mom before she died, his ex-wife Nancy, … and that time with McKay. That had been the best hug ever.

 

He starts to wonder if Rodney had felt as uncomfortable as he does now. But John immediately knows the truth, when he had hugged Rodney… Rodney had really been there with John… really connected with him.

 

John isn't much good at connecting with people and he can't connect with Elizabeth, though he knows he should, given everything that has just happened. He stands woodenly and tries to lift a hand to pat her back.

 

_'Train wreck'_ , he thinks, wincing internally.

 

"Yes, you are." Elizabeth stands back beaming at him.

 

For a minute it seems she is answering his thoughts. Then John remembers that she is just replying to his statement about being home.

 

"I truly thought…" Elizabeth shakes her head.

 

"Yeah, yeah." John cuts her off, "I thought the same about you a minute ago. We gotta stop that."

 

"I'd like that". Elizabeth's smile is bright.

 

Although he tries his best to match it, there is barely any expression on his face. John wants to get back to the business at hand but Elizabeth tells him, "Before you do anything… Colonel Everett insisted on speaking with you. He's in the infirmary."

 

He finds Everett in poor condition, frail and aged beyond his years; his life almost completely drained by a Wraith.

 

John keeps it professional updating him about the military situation but Everett tells him, "I wanted to finish our conversation."

 

"Yes, sir." John bites his lip and swallows, bracing himself for what is coming.

 

"I owe you an apology." Everett croaks.

 

Surprised, John tells him, "No, sir you don't."

 

Everett continues in a weak whisper, "I think I have a pretty good idea. I would've done the same thing as you did when you found Colonel Sumner. That's what I wanted to tell you."

 

"Well none of that matters right now, Sir." John doesn't know how to process this amnesty he feels he doesn't deserve.

 

"I'm trying to say… I wish you had been there for me." Everett looks emotional and closes his eyes to hide his pain.

 

Never been good with emotion… John feels hollow again. He tries to think of something reassuring, "You're going to be fine, sir, once you get back to Earth…"

 

"I said what I had to say. Get back to work." Everett dismisses him.

 

Pulling back from the bedside slightly, John looks intently at the Colonel and gives him a stiff, deeply respectful salute. "Yes, sir."

 

He hopes Everett will understand that.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney walks with John toward the briefing room. Not everyone has arrived yet. Instead of sitting down, he walks out to the balcony to see the sight of the sky on fire. John follows behind him.

 

Pools of angry weapons impact radiate out. A multitude of red, orange, and white ripples against the cool blue arch of the Atlantian shield. Rodney stares up silently feeling the presence of John next to him. Things almost seem normal for a minute before Rodney remembers the circumstances. It will be a matter of days before their new ZPM is completely depleted.

 

He looks over to John and sees his profile peering up at the sky. _Too impossibly handsome_. Rodney sighs and looks back at the lights shimmering above. He can't help but think about the night they had laid down together, looking at the stars. Before Rodney had tried to kiss him and everything went so wrong. It had seemed so right at the time.

 

"Momento Mori." Rodney hears himself say the words before he realizes he has said it out loud. Uh oh. That might be a bad memory to invoke.

 

"Right." John sounds weary but not at all upset, "This might be that day, huh?"

 

"I hope not, " Rodney frowns thinking of the 12 new Hive ships currently attacking with the Daedalus now grounded on Atlantis, "I'd, I'd personally like to live long enough to have a few more victories… there's a lot left I'd like to…"

 

"Yeah." John makes a face, "If those cruisers hadn't gotten away, we could have stopped them from sending reinforcements."

 

"We don't know that, we have no way of knowing how many more are already..." Rodney trails off realizing he's not making things any better, "What I mean is, it's not your fault."

 

John lifts his brows wearily.

 

No matter how dire things might be, Rodney is just glad that John is alive. For now he is alive, "Listen, I wanted to say... When I thought you were gone I... What I mean to say is, I'm, I'm really glad your not."

 

Turning his head, John looks pensively at Rodney, "Me too. -I mean I'm glad you made it. I was worried earlier maybe you didn't."

 

"Well, we're both here." Rodney offers awkwardly, "For now."

 

John gives a small snort and looks up at the glow of weapons fire raining down on them. "Sure."

 

Rodney glances at John before lifting his head back up, "Almost pretty isn't it"

 

"Almost..." John sounds thoughtful, "but not quite."

 

Yeah. Not quite. They should probably head back in for the briefing.

 

As the group of them discuss their limited options, John poses an abstract idea about making the city disappear that sparks an idea for Rodney.

 

Using the cloak from a Jumper, they could fake a self-destruct with a nuclear reaction… Then as the smoke clears, it would seem like the city had been destroyed.

 

"What about the displacement issue?" Zelenka asks.

 

"Coplaner emulation, that's the easy part" Rodney sniffs.

 

"Okay." Zelenka persists, "What about the hard part?"

 

Hard part?" John asks as if he can’t believe any of this is so easy for Rodney.

 

Rodney explains that the cloak and the shield cannot be activated simultaneously, which means they will be exposed to the Wraith if the deception does not work.

 

Since Teyla was recently able to use her trace amount of Wraith DNA to link with a Hive, she guesses she may be able reestablish a mental link as she has done it before. If she can connect to the Hive just before detonation, she may be able to convince the Wraith that Atlantis intends to destroy the city rather than let it fall into enemy hands.

 

Caldwell assures them that the shields on the Daedalus should be sufficiently recharged by the time they are ready to cloak the city, in case they need a backup escape route. And so the plan is set into action.

 

.

.

 

Rodney and Elizabeth stand in the control room as the nuclear bomb detonates, waiting to see if the Wraith will be able to see through their deception.

 

Suddenly, the Stargate goes active and Elizabeth turns to Rodney, "What the hell?"

 

Before he can answer, John comes running into the control room and joins them at the console.

 

Out of breath, John asks, "Where's Ford?"

 

As a Jumper lowers into the Gate Room, Rodney states the obvious. "I assume that's him in the Jumper."

 

"Can they detect that?" Elizabeth demands.

 

"I don't know." Rodney admits.

 

John runs down to the open gate and Elizabeth tells Rodney to shut down the wormhole. But he can't; the Jumper has assumed control.

 

"Ford, stand down. This is a direct order." John's voice is commanding and loud. He stands right by the gate staring at Ford through the Jumper window.

 

He knows John's been hunting for Ford ever since he escaped the infirmary by pulling a gun on Carson. Rodney doesn't know what John sees when he looks at Ford, but John's face looks defeated and empty.

 

The Jumper flies through the gate and Ford is gone.

 

"Where the hell is he going?" John turns back and stares at Rodney; his face is red and angry.

 

"It won't matter if the Wraith can detect the gate activity through the cloak." Elizabeth's says with a tense expression.

 

"There's only one way to know." Rodney looks up at the ceiling expectantly.

 

They all stand in silence waiting.

 

Then Caldwell radios to announce that the Wraith fleet is breaking orbit.

 

"I think they bought it." Rodney confirms the readings with relief.

 

John just stands at the gate, staring and holding the stunner as if he's on guard. Rodney watches as Elizabeth makes her way down to him. He can just make out what she is saying.

 

"The gate address will be in the log. There's still a chance…"

 

"Doesn't matter where he goes." John answers, "The second he gets to wherever he's going, he's gonna ditch the Jumper, turn around and dial another address, one we can't trace."

 

"We'll find him."

 

"Maybe." John sounds unconvinced.

 

"Hey." Elizabeth speaks forcefully, she waits for John to turn his head, "At least we're still around to try."

 

And Rodney hears John try to give Elizabeth what she wants from him, "Yeah." But the expression on John's face makes Rodney's stomach lurch; they've just escaped certain death but he's never seen John look so defeated.

 

Sighing, he leaves to go get some long overdue rest.

 

.

.

 

Back in his quarters Rodney keeps seeing John's face, the despair… But it seemed there was something more, a kind of self-loathing. Is he imagining it or could Rodney see behind the mask, is John really slipping?

 

Rodney realizes he can't sleep like this. He grabs his laptop, thinking of an excuse to check in on him. He has never come uninvited to John's quarters. Not unless you count that time with Chaya… when Rodney semi-stalked him.

 

That doesn't really count; besides, he hadn't actually tried to enter John's quarters. He had just been, lurking… nearby.

 

This is a flimsy excuse, but Rodney can't let go of the idea that John needs him right now. He takes a deep breath and heads for the transporter. Before he can change his mind, he rings John's door.

 

There is no answer. Probably John is already asleep. Rodney feels foolish, but just in case, he calls out, "Major?"

 

"Come in." John's voice is clear and dead calm.

 

The door opens and Rodney steps in cautiously. John is sitting on the edge of his bed, the long stunner still in his hand. The way he is staring blankly ahead is deeply disturbing.

 

 He is surprised John isn't asking him why he is here.

 

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Rodney offers tentatively.

 

"Shouldn't you?" John is still staring at nothing, his voice impassive.

 

"Yeah, well," Rodney laughs nervously, "yeah, I, uh… couldn't sleep?"

 

John turns his head heavily to look at him, his expression is blank. There is nothing in his eyes but Rodney feels the storm behind the mask, something dark and haunted. John is hanging on the edge; he can feel it. It was the right thing to come.

 

"Look, uh, I actually brought something. I don't know if you're too tired but I have this movie on my laptop. And I just thought if you were awake…?"

 

"Sure." John nods from his stupor; looking down at the stunner in his hand, he furrows his brow as if he is just realizing he forgot to return it to the armory.

 

"Tomorrow." Rodney steps forward taking it from him and resting it against the wall.

 

John suddenly slumps forward with his face in his hands, his body seizes up in tension.

 

Rodney sets the laptop aside and sits next to him, "John?"

 

"He was just a kid" John's voice comes out choked, "Only 25."

 

Rodney knows John must feel responsible for Ford in some way because he's a military guy and he supposes that how it must be when someone is under your command. But the way John is acting it's like he thinks it's his fault. But why would he? Ford had fallen in the fight to retake the city, tumbled over the edge of the railing while a Wraith was feeding on him.

 

The enzyme the Wraith had injected into his system had extended his life long enough to be rescued but Ford hadn't been the same person, not with whatever that drug did to him. Rodney shudders thinking of how Ford's face had looked, one eye pinched and scarred with a pupil completely black.

 

"It's not your fault he was able to disarm one of the marines guarding him, that enzyme changed him, made him stronger."

 

John stays rigid and doesn't say a word.

 

Trying again, Rodney ventures, "I know you were looking for him the whole time, you didn't give up on him. You did everything you could."

 

"I was so close. I found him, tried to talk him down." Fisting his hands into his hair, John squeezes his eyes in a grimace, "Whatever I said, it wasn't the right thing." John leans his head back and pinches the bridge of his nose.

 

"I had to try to stop him with the stunner..." John looks over to the Wraith gun, "I shot him. And the look he gave me before he got away, like I'd betrayed him..."

 

"But you know you didn't right?" Rodney prompts, "He wasn't going to let us try to wean him off the enzyme. He thought it made him better."

 

"Should have seen it coming." John mumbles. "Could of saved him but..." John's body slumps back down, "should have saved them all."

 

"But you did save us, most of us and..." trailing off Rodney has a feeling that he is missing something.

 

John turns to look at Rodney squarely and he sees everything on John's face now, pure self-loathing and utter despair. Rodney wonders if this is what John hides behind his impassive mask and empty smiles.

 

He stares right through Rodney as if he has almost forgotten he is there, speaking in a ragged voice, "I've failed too many times, so many people I've lost count."

 

Not daring to touch John directly, Rodney pulls at the edge of his sleeve, "But you've saved so many. You've saved all of us here, more than a few times."

 

With dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep, John shakes his drawn and hollow face, "Not enough. Not when it mattered."

 

"You're not thinking straight. You're too tired to-"

 

The cold expression John gives him stops Rodney from continuing.

 

He swallows hard wondering what kind of life John had before he came to Atlantis, "Okay, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think I know you well enough to say that I know you're loyal and brave, and, and you'd do pretty much anything to save any of us here... including blow yourself up with a nuke."

 

"I shouldn't be here, Rodney." John shakes his head, "I shouldn’t be the guy who people trust to" he lifts a hand weakly, "to do _this_."

 

"Well, you probably won't be much longer."

 

John frowns his tired eyes up at him.

 

Rodney tries to joke, "You know, the way you're going, you're bound to succeed in killing yourself any day now, so why worry about it?"

 

"McKay." John presses his lips together into something that almost resembles a smile, he blinks down at Rodney's hand still clutching his sleeve.

 

Self-conscious, Rodney lets go; but John pats his hand, "So you came down here, after being awake for 3 days, to show me some movie?"

 

"Right." Rodney makes a hopeful grimace that his gesture has been appreciated.

 

"Right." John makes a fake serious face, "Must be really important."

 

Relieved to see John acting a bit more like himself, Rodney gestures to his laptop, "It really couldn't wait until the morning."

 

"Uh-huh" John bends down and starts taking off his shoes.

 

Unsure of what to do, Rodney picks the laptop off the side table and flips it open, "See, I thought it could provide some valuable insight to our struggle with the Wraith."

 

"The Wraith that just left?" John slides out of his jacket.

 

"No." Rodney waves his hand, "the other ones. The ones still out there. I thought, hey, instead of sleeping, Sheppard and I could get a head start."

 

John smiles at him in quiet amusement as he scoots himself to the far side of the narrow bed. "Lay down Rodney, get comfortable."

 

"Oh." Rodney's chest flutters at the thought of getting into the same bed with John. They haven't done that since they, well, since back when they used to do other things in a bed together, "Okay."

 

He looks down to his bare feet and long-johns, realizing that if anyone had happened to see him running through the halls he would have looked ridiculous.

 

"Take a pillow" John tosses one of his to the side of the bed closer to Rodney, "Seriously, what's this movie about?"

 

“Galaxy Quest? Well, it’s not that serious, really. It’s sort a of Sci-Fi action thing but also a comedy.”

 

John is resting with his hands expectantly behind his neck, "Okay, let's see this movie, McKay".

 

"Okay, yeah." Rodney answers meekly.

 

Folding up onto the bed with John, Rodney lays down on his side. That is, if a bed this small can really have 'sides'. Careful not to lean too close to John, Rodney rests back on the pillow and props the laptop on his waist since there is nowhere else for it to go.

 

The movie starts and Rodney wonders if this is the kind of flick John would even like. What the hell? He’d liked 'Back to the Future', so his bar can't be that high.

 

As John watches, his eyelids look leaden. He isn't laughing yet but they haven't really gotten to the funniest parts.

 

It's all about character development. Rodney turns his attention back to the film, he's seen it so many times but it never gets old. He waits for a scene that he is sure will make John laugh and turns to look at him. John's eyes are closed.

 

Not wanting to wake him up, Rodney stops the movie. He closes the laptop and carefully sets it on the side table. He is about to sit up and get off the bed, when John whimpers in his sleep, curling in on himself towards Rodney. His brows are furrowed and his breathing staggered.

 

Rodney holds himself still. Then John pulls in tighter, shaking into himself and pressing his face and knees against Rodney.

 

Is he having a nightmare or is this just what it feels like to be John? Either way, Rodney can see that John is hurting. He drapes it his arm softly around John's back, praying that it won't wake him up.

 

John shudders a little and Rodney tenses, but then John relaxes and seems to cradle himself into Rodney's arm. He makes a moan, a muffled sound of distress and buries his face deeply into the side of Rodney's chest.

 

Pulling him in protectively, Rodney tightens his arm around John. John shudders again and then relaxes, deeply this time. His breathing gets steady, he sleeping soundly.

 

After days of no sleep, coming down off of the stims and coffee, Rodney stands guard; he doesn't mind at all. There are so many times that he has wanted to be closer to John and right now it feels like Rodney is close enough to comfort whatever is hurting him. He will lay here with his arm aching until John gets what he needs.

 

It's hard to say how much time goes by, maybe an hour, before John stretches his legs back out and begins to turn over. Rodney lifts his arm out of the way, holding it up and holding his breath. John looks peaceful, still sleeping.

 

Rolling carefully off the bed, Rodney tucks his laptop under his shoulder. He takes one last look to make sure John isn't going to wake from his slumber and then slinks quietly out of the room.

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter takes place in Season 2, during/after episode 1 "The Siege: Part 3"


	9. This is not couch appropriate behavior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney and John have been getting much closer again, but then John takes things too far; taunting him and pinning him down to the couch. Why does John always act so intimate when it obviously means nothing to him?_  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

Rodney can feel that he and John are close again… Maybe even closer than they were to begin with. It’s intangible really, not just about spending time together. There is something different in John’s manner with him since the siege ended, something less guarded. 

 

He doesn’t think John remembers anything about Rodney holding him that night they watched Galaxy Quest. John had been sleeping, or having a nightmare that he never really woke up from. But maybe subconsciously something has gotten through because John feels closer now.

 

Not long after the Daedalus leaves Atlantis on its return voyage. Rodney, John, and Elizabeth gate back to Earth for a standard debriefing. Well, not standard exactly, they have been out of touch with the SGC for a year now. 

 

It feels surreal to be headed back to Earth so causally, after all this time. Rodney greets some familiar faces at the SGC then heads to the cafeteria until they are ready to debrief him.

 

What follows is an exhaustive review by some particularly annoying IOA guys. Rodney tries to keep his bad temper in check and eventually he is free to head back to his apartment. It will be a while before the Daedalus arrives on Earth. Atlantis doesn’t want to waste the limited ZPM power on a return trip through the gate, so Rodney will get some well-deserved time off while they wait for their return passage. 

 

Gathering the small bag of belongings he brought with him, Rodney makes his way to the elevator. As he walks to the lift that will take him the surface of the Cheyenne complex, John meets up to him in the hall. 

 

“Hey.” John has a tote bag over his shoulder and falls into step with Rodney.

 

Rodney smiles. “Hey.”

 

“So, I was kinda hoping I could bunk with you while we’re here.” John suggests.

 

“Uh…” Rodney stops in front the elevator, “I only have a couch…” 

 

John smiles lazily, “Sounds great. It’s gotta be better than the military beds here on base.” 

 

“Well, I can’t make any promises.” Rodney frowns.

 

The lift arrives and they step in. John answers, “Understood.” 

 

Stargate Command has provided them each with a car to use, Rodney tells John to follow behind him on the way so he doesn’t get lost. John insists he wouldn’t, since he attended the Air Force Academy here, but he agrees to Rodney’s plan. 

 

When they arrive, Rodney leads John into his humble apartment. 

 

Walking in, John lifts his brows, “You know Rodney You’re a slob.” 

 

“Sorry, blah, blah, military” Rodney rolls his eyes.

 

John laughs and makes himself at home, picking up some of the items strewn on the couch. 

 

“It actually is rather comfy, you know” Rodney admits as he grabs some the clothes and junk food off the cushions

 

Looking skeptical, John sits down and leans back, “Oh yeah. I thought so, this is going to be sweet.” 

 

Rodney nervously continues picking up stray items off the floor. 

 

“Leave it, Rodney” John tells him.

 

He stops cleaning and sits on the opposite side of the couch. 

 

John stretches his long leg and begins playfully kicking at Rodney’s knees. 

 

“Hey. Hey.” Rodney protests, “This is not couch appropriate behavior.” 

 

“Sorry, blah, blah, appropriate behavior…” John pouts, “So what do you do in Rodney-land when your not fighting aliens in the Pegasus galaxy?” 

 

Besides work, there’s… Rodney tries to think; he’s not coming up with anything. 

 

“Anything you like to do for fun?” John offers.

 

“Well, there’s my cat.” Rodney blinks, “He’s with my neighbor right now but…” 

 

“The brunette?” John asks.

 

“Yeah, the brunette who thinks I’m jerk.” Rodney nods, “That didn’t work out so well.”

 

“What did you say to her?” John gives Rodney a playful look.

 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Rodney shrugs, “the usual. Tried to ask her out.” 

 

“You going to talk to her while you’re here?” John questions.

 

“Uh, to get my cat Binky?” Rodney thinks, “Maybe, I’m not sure if I want to get his hopes up. We’re not going to be here that long, but I really have missed him. He’s the best little guy…” 

 

“So…” John looks amused, “other stuff in Rodney-land besides… Binky?” 

 

He feels inadequate trying to think of something to impress John. 

 

John breaks into Rodney’s reverie, “We’ll have to fix that and have some fun while we’re here. There’s a lot of stuff to do in Colorado Springs, golf, video game arcade, shooting range…” 

 

“Golf?” Rodney makes a face.

 

Leaning forward, John asks, “Have you ever really played golf?” 

 

“No.” Rodney admits.

 

“Okay,” John’s eyes flash, “I’m going to teach you how to play golf, you’ll see, it’s a lot of fun. Do you have any beer?” 

 

Rodney shakes his head. “Just coffee.” 

 

“Okay, we’ll have to fix that too,” John smiles lazily, “let’s get some food and drink.” 

 

“I am hungry.” Rodney confesses.

 

“You’re always hungry.” John grabs his keys off the table, “Come on, I’ll drive.” 

 

“I am hypoglycemic, so… valid medical excuse here.” Rodney protests on the way out.

 

When the two of them return, they stay up late watching TV and gorging themselves on some of their most missed foods. They entertain and amuse each other for hours. Talking and joking around with John is one Rodney’s favorite ways to waste time. 

 

Since he normally doesn’t drink, Rodney gets sleepy from the beer. Before he goes to lie down, he brings John some bedding. 

.  
.

 

A few hours later, Rodney wakes up. Too much beer, he has to pee now. He trudges to the bathroom. On the way back, he notices the glow of the Television and sees the back of John’s head sitting upright. Is he still up? 

 

Rodney walks over to the front of the couch and sees John staring all the TV. But he isn’t really watching. He has the same look on his face as the night they lost Ford. Hollow, sad, self-loathing… John doesn’t turn his head when Rodney sits down. 

 

“Having trouble sleeping?” 

 

“It happens from time to time.” John stares ahead.

 

“Hey.” Rodney puts his hand on John’s shoulder.

 

When John slowly turns to look at Rodney, his mask is gone; there is grief and self-hatred written clearly across his face. 

 

“Nightmares about Ford?” Rodney squeezes John’s shoulder with concern. 

 

His voice is raw when he answers, “Nightmares about everyone… not the first person I’ve lost.” John’s eyes look vulnerable and he lets Rodney see him.

 

Rodney nods sympathetically. 

 

John closes his eyes and presses his lips together in a grimace of pain. 

 

Feeling protective and not knowing what else to do, Rodney keeps his hold on John’s shoulder, “We might still find him, and you did everything you could… You’re very… strong, John.” 

 

“No.” John opens his eyes and looks surprised. His voice is gravelly, “No, I’m not Rodney.” 

 

Rodney tries to argue but John cuts him off sounding gruff.

 

“No. I’m… just GONE. Like I’ve lost myself along the way, too. I’m missing something I should have… It’s not the same thing as being strong.” 

 

“I mean, you’ve done a good job”. Rodney moves his hand slowly over John’s upper arm, trying to soothe him, “You couldn’t have done anything more.” 

 

His eyes full of grief and bitterness, John stares at Rodney, “I’ve. Failed. Everyone I ever cared about.” 

 

Shaking his head, Rodney tries to disagree, “No-“ 

 

“Not to mention a lot of other people I was responsible for.” John adds.

 

Rodney’s eyes soften, “I think maybe you feel responsible for more than you really are.” 

 

“Thanks, but, ah…” John lowers his eyes wearily, “I deserve to feel guilty about the mistakes I’ve made.” 

 

“No. No, you don’t. You absolutely don’t.” Rodney frowns in concern and shakes John shoulder urgently. 

 

John looks up and places his hand over Rodney’s. His eyes are sad and wistful, “Thanks, Rodney. I, uh, appreciate the…” He squeezes Rodney’s hand. 

 

Moving his palm gingerly under John’s, Rodney turns it to hold John’s hand in his. , Holding onto each other lightly, they let their hands fall onto the couch cushion below. Rodney moves his hand softly, trailing a finger over to top of John’s hand, delicately caressing John’s long fingers. John moves his hand uncertainly, returning the caress. 

 

Rodney has never appreciated just how hard it must be for John to connect until now. He cherishes this little bit, this brief moment when John isn’t pushing him away. 

 

When Rodney looks back up at John, he cannot read the expression. It feels like something gentle though. 

 

“Thanks, Rodney.” John sighs. He squeezes Rodney’s hand to let him know he is done, “I think I can sleep now.” 

 

“Okay.” Rodney gives John’s hand a final squeeze and reluctantly lets go, “If you… okay. I’m here if there’s anything…” 

 

As John moves to stretch his legs out under the covers, Rodney stands up. John looks adorable the way is hugging the blanket up to his chin. 

 

“Okay. Goodnight.” Rodney sighs.

 

“’Night” John closes his eyes.

 

.  
.

 

The next few days are in fact a lot of fun. John takes Rodney on all the promised adventures, and he shows no further signs of being distressed by Ford’s disappearance. Rodney checks, late each night just to make sure, and John isn’t having any nightmares. 

 

Golf isn’t something Rodney is very good at; but having John instruct him, having him hold Rodney’s arms and teach him how to swing, is worth a day spend walking from hole to hole. All this time together, just the two of them, feels like such a luxury. And it will another 10 days before Daedalus is expected to arrive. Rodney is starting to come up with some excursion ideas of his own that might appeal to John. 

 

Later that night while they are relaxing on the couch, Rodney tells John that he has elected to bring his cat home, even if it will be a short homecoming. 

 

“Can’t wait to meet him, after all the build up…” John smirks, “You worried about seeing your neighbor?” 

 

“Well, I wasn’t but thank you for bringing it up.” Rodney rolls his eyes.

 

“How bad can it be?” John kicks Rodney playfully from across the couch.

 

Rodney twists his face into a frown and John asks, “So, what exactly did you say to her?” 

 

“How should I know? People always think I’m a jerk anyway. When I’m nervous sometimes I get… I don’t know, I might have started rambling about how I usually prefer blondes, but in her case I would make an exception.” 

 

“Oh, Rodney.” John bursts into laughter, “You’re priceless, but… Wow. You gotta get some better moves.” 

 

Glaring at John he insists, “I have moves. I have moves you don’t even know about.” 

 

John keeps laughing and Rodney feels infuriated. He leans over and hits John a few times on the arm. 

 

“Whoa. Whoa.” John puts up his hands defensively.

 

“Just shut up.” Rodney throws a few more uselessness punches at John.

 

Much to Rodney’s chagrin, John keeps laughing at him, “McKay. Whoa. You trying out some of your moves, now?” 

 

With a noise of fury and frustration, Rodney launches himself at John, attacking.

 

He feels John move effortlessly. His knees fold out from under him and Rodney falls on his back hard enough for all of the air to exit his lungs. 

 

“Ooooph.” Rodney gasps.

 

John has him pinned down into the couch. He is lying on top of Rodney with his body pressed tight against him. Rodney tries to move but he is helpless, he feels too vulnerable. John’s body is pressed right against his... Oh God, why does John always act so intimate with him when he doesn’t really mean it? 

 

Rodney’s breath comes in shallow as he looks up at John’s face to see if there is chance he might mean it. John’s eyes are mocking; clearly Rodney means nothing to him. His anger rises as he thinks about how John doesn’t care how any of this makes him feel. 

 

Then John snorts and laughs, “Yeah, I think I’ve seen your moves.” 

 

And that is too much, that is below the belt. Rodney’s body gets stiff with the hurt he is feeling. 

 

His voice is loud and low as he growls, “Get off.” 

 

John freezes and Rodney glowers at him, “OFF!”

 

As John jumps back into his seat, Rodney stands up shaking with rage, “You know what? There really is something wrong with you. Something important is missing. 

 

I mean, you seem normal enough at first. It’s like, they were passing out all the basic human components, 2 arms, 10 fingers… Oh. But they neglected to give you the necessary parts to from a heart.” 

 

“Me?!” John looked stunned, “It’s not like I’m the one…” 

 

Glaring at John with clenched teeth, Rodney internally dares him to finish whatever he is going to say. 

 

John seems to think better of it and closes him mouth. His face is still but his eyes flash with anger. 

 

Rodney isn’t backing down. He isn’t going to just forgive John for this. 

 

They stare in a silent stand-off for a few moments, then John speaks, “Maybe I should I go.” 

 

“Maybe.” Rodney’s voice is steely.

 

Blinking at Rodney for another moment, John shakes his head, grabs his bag and heads out.  
All Rodney can do is stare at the closed door. This has been the closest he and John have been since that awful moment when Rodney tried to kiss him. Rodney really thought they were back to being friends. 

 

But any kind of intimacy with John is impossible; he can see that now. Rodney is not going to feel guilty for lashing out at John. He deserved it. 

 

Maybe Rodney had hit below the belt too, when he used what John had confided against him. Still, John started it and it was true… he is heartless. Heartless and uncaring and cruel, to toy with Rodney like this… And… Rodney still loves him. 

 

He knows John won’t be back, just like he knows John won’t ever love him back. This is probably the end of everything. Rodney feels like a dry husk, hollowed out emotionally. 

 

John is the one who owns Rodney’s heart, and now that John is gone, Rodney is missing one too. He stands staring at the closed door. His chest hurts, he can physically feel the pain as if someone has carved his heart out with a dull blade. 

 

Nothing has ever felt like this. Rodney has been heartbroken before, but this is by far the worst. This incurable, chronic heartache… Lifting his hands, Rodney can see that they are still shaking. What is he supposed to do now? 

 

Walking over to the entertainment center, he flips through some of his old CDs. There are a few that have been traditional balms for him when he has been heartbroken. Then he finds one he hasn’t heard in years. It seems like it would be perfect right now. 

 

Grabbing his old portable CD player, Rodney climbs up to the roof of his apartment complex and lies down to look up at the stars. He starts with a classic Smiths song, ‘How Soon is Now?’. 

 

Then, Rodney pulls out an album by The Church, they have a song titled ‘Under the Milky Way Tonight’. Rodney remembers it being sad and lovelorn, so he and plays it next. 

 

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty,  
Sound of their breath fades with the light.  
I think about the loveless fascination,  
Under the Milky Way tonight.

Wish I knew what you were looking for,  
Might have known what you would find.

And it's something quite peculiar,  
Something shimmering and white.  
It leads you here despite your destination,  
Under the Milky Way tonight

 

Wish I knew what you were looking for,  
Might have known what you would find.

 

The song feels like an anthem for being heartbroken over John. He puts it on repeat, and stares up at the constellations of the Milky Way galaxy. The view up here isn’t perfect, but Rodney can see the images of Hubble photographs, various galaxies up close in his mind. And while he grieves, the lyrics of the song seem so perfect. His chest wells with sorrow as he tries to understand this loveless fascination John has with him. 

 

That’s what it is for John, a loveless fascination. Why doesn’t he just leave Rodney alone? He doesn’t love him. Whatever it is that draws John to Rodney, it is clear he looking for something else. Something shimmering and white… Maybe something like Chaya. Whatever John is looking for, whatever his destination, Rodney knows it is not him. 

 

Rodney lets the song wash over him. Maybe admitting it, feeling the loss so acutely will allow him some sort of release, an exorcism his own fascination with John. He lies outside for hours staring up at the sky until his eyes are too tired to keep open. But as he makes his way back down from the roof, Rodney knows that the love he feels for John will not be so easily abandoned. Still, this CD will be one of the things he brings back with him to Pegasus.

 

A few days later, Rodney gets a call from Elizabeth to catch up and ask him if he will be at John’s promotion ceremony. Rodney is hurt that he wasn’t invited even though he doesn’t want to go. He plays it off well, explaining that he will be busy despite the fact he doesn’t even know the date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 2: (between episodes 1 & 2)


	10. I do have a heart, you know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John's making a real point to be more careful. He's let himself get too careless. He doesn’t like hurting Rodney, he never means to, but somehow it keeps happening._

.  
.  
.

 

John was more exited about being promoted to Lieutenant Colonel than he thought he would be, but he can’t shake the feeling he really doesn’t deserve it. He had hoped to see Rodney there for the ceremony… Even though they haven’t spoken since the night John left his apartment. He supposes they will see each other soon enough, when the Daedalus heads back to Earth in a few days. 

 

Steeling himself emotionally, John knocks on the door of the house where Ford’s cousin lives. His cousin Patrice greets him warmly and explains how close she was with Aiden, the guy John always called Ford. 

 

“I want you to understand, as far as I’m concerned, he’s still alive…” John explains to her, “Until I see evidence to the contrary, I intend to keep looking for him.” 

 

Patrice tells John that she doesn’t want him to speak to their grandparents, she doesn’t want them to get their hopes up in the face of such uncertainly. She wonders if maybe she should just tell them that Aiden isn’t coming back at all, at least that way they can have some closure. 

 

“We’re- We’re not there yet.” John tells her, feeling heavy with the weight of responsibility.

 

Patrice examines him and speaks, “You know, Aiden mentioned you in that tape message he sent. He said you were a good man, that he trusted you with his life. You tell me, Colonel, was that trust misplaced?” 

 

John stares at the floor for a long time before he answers, “I don’t know.” 

 

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Rodney doesn’t see John again until they board the Daedalus with all the new team members, headed back to Earth. As the voyage commences, Rodney keeps his distance.  
Occasionally, they speak on the bridge but keep it professional. 

 

As the 18-day trip draws to a close, it seems to Rodney that John is starting to try to be familiar and joke around again. He doesn’t know if he’s ready for that, even if it is just while they are working. 

 

On their way back to Earth, just as the Daedalus begins to enter the fringe of the Pegasus galaxy, the ship itself seems to succumb to a malfunctioning computer virus. A couple members of the crew are killed. Hermiod, the alien Asgard on board, deduces that the virus, Wraith in origin, is to blame. 

 

It has probably been dormant until they got close to the Wraith controlled territory. Now it is acting like an artificial intelligence, infecting most of the ship’s systems and trying to take navigational control. This means until they figure out a way to get rid of it, they can’t use the hyperdrive. 

 

Fortunately certain systems, like life support, are isolated so it can’t simply kill them by venting atmosphere. But the team knows they cannot let the ship fall into Wraith hands, as it would lead them directly to Earth and give them the hyperdrive technology to get there.

 

The ship has begun broadcasting a distress call to the Wraith. Rodney plans to wipe the virus by doing a full systems reboot. But it is going to take him some time to set everything up. 

 

In the meantime, the Daedalus will be a sitting duck for any Wraith nearby. John heads to the fighter bay to pilot a ship and take out the communications array with weapons fire. The plan works; Caldwell congratulates John on a job well done and tells him to head back to Daedalus. 

 

John voice comes in over the coms, “Oh, here’s a problem. My controls aren’t responding.” 

 

“Say again?” Caldwell asks. 

 

“Well, the Daedalus is behind me.” John replies, “I can’t seem to turn around and… I am however, picking up speed.” 

 

Rodney is kicking himself, “I should have seen this coming. The navigational software on the F-302 is compatible with sub-light systems, which will be infected. The virus must have uploaded itself onto his ship.” 

 

“What about the transport beam?” Elizabeth suggests.

 

“That would work.” Rodney brightens, “Those systems are still clean.” 

 

Elizabeth tells John that they are going to try to beam him out. 

 

Rodney straightens back up from the controls to tell her there is a problem. He explains, “The transport beam is tied to an Asgard sensor. It’s what we use to lock onto targets.” 

 

“So”, Elizabeth prompts.

 

“So,” Rodney continues, “so that particular piece of equipment was located in the array that we just destroyed.” Rodney begins snapping his fingers in a brainstorm, “I can key the system to lock onto his radio signal. It’s what they used to do on the Prometheus before they had Asgard sensors.” 

 

Caldwell is pragmatic, “You’d better do it quick because in about 3 minutes he’s gonna be out of range.” 

 

Elizabeth radios back to Sheppard, “John, we’ve run into a slight snag. Rodney just has to make a few adjustments before we can get you out of there.” 

 

“Okay.” John sounds unsure.

 

“Don’t worry” Elizabeth assures him, “We’re not about to give up on you yet.” 

 

When Rodney is done, Elizabeth speaks on the radio again, “We’re going to use your radio to target the transport beam. We’ll have you out of there in just a minute.” 

 

“Sounds good”, after a moment John asks, “So, I’m still in range, right?” 

 

Rodney covers his earpiece to keep John from hearing, “Truth is, it’s never been tested from this distance.” 

 

“Rodney seems to think you’ll be okay.” Elizabeth bluffs.

 

“Well, that’s good” John remarks, “Wouldn’t want to leave any PARTS behind” 

 

Rodney feels a pang of guilt; he never should have said that. If Rodney knew how to be any kind of friend at all, he would never have used that information against John. When he sees John appear on the bridge in a flash of light, Rodney is beyond relieved. 

 

“Are you all right?” Elizabeth asks John.

 

“Yeah. Two arms, ten fingers.” He looks at Rodney pointedly, “I’ll check the rest later.” 

 

He vows to make it up to John and be a better friend, just as soon as he has this virus problem licked. While Rodney gets the system ready for another reboot, John offers his always unwelcome insights to Rodney’s technological endeavors. 

 

“This is what I do when I have problems with my laptop. I turn it off and then I turn it back on again.” 

 

“I think this is a little bit more complicated than that.” Elizabeth smiles.

 

“I’m just saying, that if we’re taking a page from the John Sheppard book of computer repair, we’re really desperate.” 

 

Ignoring the critique, Rodney tells Caldwell to prepare for a full system shut down. When the systems come back online it looks like the virus has been destroyed. The hyperdrive will take time to get back online, so they head away from their current position at sublight speed. 

 

But when the ship plots a new course, Rodney soon realizes that the virus has managed to return. Navigation has them headed straight for the coronasphere of a star. The trajectory will kill everyone on board while leaving the ship intact for the Wraith. 

 

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Knowing now that the virus can jump to the F-302’s, John heads with Rodney to the hanger bay to pull all the memory storage modules from the small craft, so they can attempt another shut down. As they approach the bay, an access door seals in front of them. John starts for another door only to have it seal off as well. 

 

“It’s the virus.” Rodney tells him, “It must know what we’re trying to do.” 

 

“How is that possible?” John asks.

 

“It’s thinking ahead, it’s anticipating our moves, like in a chess match,” Rodney answers.

 

“I hope you’re good at chess.” he quips.

 

Rodney sounds arrogant, “I don’t get to play much. It’s tough finding challenging opponents.” 

 

John gives a sidelong glance of disgust. Sometimes Rodney is just too insufferable. He thinks his mind can solve anything, maybe thinks it can compensate for his lack of other parts. John could probably beat Rodney at a game of chess, but he isn’t so arrogant that he is going to brag about it. 

 

Caldwell confirms that the entire section has been sealed off. So John tells him to use the beaming technology to send them inside the hanger.

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Rodney interjects, “Wait a minute. The transport beam wasn’t designed to beam from one point to another inside the ship. We could end of re-materializing half inside a wall.” 

 

“Well,” John lifts his eyebrows dismissively, “we’re just going to have to take that chance.” He moves to stand next to Rodney. 

 

“Right, of course.” Rodney twitters nervously, “Why not?” 

 

As John looks over at Rodney, he sees him curled in on himself, as much as any person can be, while still standing upright. 

 

“Colonel, we’re ready.” John tells Caldwell.

 

They both arrive intact and take a few steps forward. 

 

“It worked.” Rodney looks at John with surprise. 

 

A light starts to flash and an alarm goes off. The hanger doors start to decompress. 

 

“Oh, boy.” Rodney’s voice sinks.

 

John turns to stare at him, and Rodney stares back. 

 

There is no time to do anytime. This is it, endgame. The bay doors are completely open and the two of them keep staring at each other. 

 

“We should really, really be dead right now.” Rodney tells him.

 

“I don’t feel dead.” John answers in confusion.

 

They keep their eyes locked on each other as if they are in some kind of trance. 

 

Then Hermiod comes over the com, explaining that he has raised a force shield to protect them, but it will not last long. 

 

Both of them seem to break the gaze at the same moment, coming back to reality and the urgency of the situation. They separate and hurry to pull the memory modules as fast as they can. 

 

Almost done, the shield looks like it is about to collapse. They scramble into the last unfinished fighter and pull the final module. 

 

John speaks into the radio, “This is Sheppard. We’re okay. We managed to get in the last F-302 before we lost atmosphere. Any chance you could beam us out?” 

 

Elizabeth answers, “Sorry, John, we lost the transport beam. You’re gonna have to sit still for a while.” 

 

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Rodney pipes up from the back seat, “We pulled all the memory units. Another shutdown should work.” 

 

Feeling a bit claustrophobic in the back seat, Rodney tells John, “You know, I’ve never actually been inside of one of these before today. It’s a little, uh... cramped, huh?” 

 

“Just relax Rodney.” John sounds patronizing, “We’re safe, for the moment.” 

 

Short of breath, Rodney’s mind is racing, “Right. Quick question, though, just out of curiosity. How much uh, like, air do these things carry?” 

 

“Lots,” John says. 

 

Great, imprecise as ever Rodney thinks, “I’m just saying because if this doesn’t work and we have to come up with another plan, who knows how long we could get stuck in here and, so, it would…” 

 

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_______________________________________________________  
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Oh my God, shut up. John is losing patience. Out loud he says, “You know what Rodney? You’re exactly right, it’s a limited supply. So why don’t we conserve it by you not talking.” 

 

Rodney starts to make a noise from the back and John wags a finger at him, “At all.” 

 

The ship goes dark again from the reboot. When it comes back online, they are informed that the ship is still headed for the star. 

 

John starts turning on the crafts flight systems and Rodney sputters, “What-what are you doing?” 

 

“It’s the last F-302, Rodney, the one we left behind. It’s tracking us.” 

 

“Yeah, that makes sense, but we can’t just go after it.” Rodney sounds concerned, “We have no computer assisted navigation.” 

 

“I don’t need a navigational computer to fly this thing.” John reminds him, “Besides, we’re not going far.” 

 

He speaks into his com, “Engine Room, this is Sheppard. Prepare to initiate another shutdown on my command.” 

 

Elizabeth asks, “John, What are you doing?” 

 

“Getting rid of the last place the virus can hide.”

 

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Rodney sits back into his chair with dread, and then tries to strap himself in “Wait, wait, wait. I haven’t got my belt.” 

 

As John takes off gracefully and then arches the craft in a U, Rodney crushes himself into the seat. Flying upside down and headed in the direction of the other craft, a quick correction flips them upright again. Sometimes Rodney forgets how good John is at this flying thing. 

 

He is still plastered to his seat when he hears an alarm, Rodney starts,  “What’s that beeping?” 

 

“Somebody just locked into us. Hold on.” John sounds relaxed.

 

The craft veers suddenly and Rodney stomach lurches. 

 

Dear God, they are completely spinning now, it feels like free fall. John takes them into a series of wild dives, occasionally straightening out into some vector or another before flipping the ship in another maneuver. 

 

It is methodical and chaotic at once. Rodney is impressed but wishes to God it wasn’t him spinning out of control. Kind of like being around John himself. 

 

“Whoa, what happened to inertial dampeners?” He asks.

 

John is concentrating and answers as an afterthought, “With these speeds you’re gonna feel the tight turns even with the dampeners.” 

 

“Aghhh.”, Rodney complains, “Now he tells me.” The pin turns and sudden drops continue, not to mention the spinning, Rodney can’t really see anything that is out there except the blinding sun. It looms closer and closer. 

 

“We’re just going to tap on the brakes here.” John warns.

 

Rodney braces himself but lurches forward anyway. He swallows and hard to keep his lunch from coming back up. John would never let him live it down. 

 

John sees something, “He’s making a break for the coronasphere.” 

 

“Any point in mentioning that we have even less protection in this ship than we did in the Daedalus?” Rodney says with a sense of surrender.

 

“Not really.” John replies.

 

“Didn’t think so.” Rodney answers as they speed even closed toward the star. “Is it just me or is it getting a little hotter in here?” 

 

Transfixed, John tells him, “Hold on, I almost got him.” 

 

Rodney moves his hand in from of his face, to stop the blinding glare of the star. He knows John is trying to focus and this isn’t helping, but he can’t stop himself from talking when he’s really nervous, “See, thing is, I have very fair skin. I tend to burn very easily. 

 

“Just a few more seconds.”  John tries to sound patient with Rodney’s complaining.

 

Biting his tongue, Rodney waits in uncomfortable silence while John tries to acquire the target. 

 

Then John fires and the ship in front of them explodes. “Daedalus this is Sheppard. Target is destroyed. I repeat, target is destroyed. If you try one more shutdown I think it might just work.” 

 

Rodney examines his skin to try to determine how badly it has been burned, he is feeling too deflated to comment on the correspondence with the Daedalus. He will just wait here sinking into the co-pilot seat and trying to recover his dignity until the system wipe has been successful. 

 

“You did great back there, Rodney.” John’s voice sounds more reassuring than mocking. 

 

Embarrassed, Rodney feels like John is handing him a peace offering. 

 

Then John asks, “Wanna take the stick?” 

 

“Really?” Rodney feels touched.

 

“No.” John answers a little sheepishly, like he hadn’t really expected Rodney to take the bait. 

 

Of course, Rodney whinges to himself, give the controls to the panicking coward. Maybe he had been too hasty in his earlier resolve to apologize to John. He settles himself in for the ride back and doesn’t say a word. 

 

He avoids John as much as possible for the rest of the short trip home. Once they are back on Atlantis, Rodney visits the infirmary. His skin is all red and burned from the encounter with the star’s corona. Just like he knew it would be. John just looks burned as well but not nearly as bad. 

Carson prescribes a cream and then Rodney is left alone in the empty infirmary. He sits for a minute or two thinking about everything that happened on the trip back to Earth. He isn’t sure how he feels about it. Does he want to apologize to John or is he still too angry? Probably… he should probably he keep his distance. 

 

John walks in. 

 

“Carson isn’t here.” Rodney waves his hand toward the door. 

 

“I came to see you.” John walks up to the gurney Rodney is sitting on. 

 

He eyes the Colonel with a guarded expression. 

 

“How’s your, ah, skin?” John asks.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Rodney narrows his eyes. 

 

John bites his lip and Rodney feels a little guilty since John is trying to make nice. 

 

“My nose is peeling.” He offers.

 

Looking down, John tells him, “I do have a heart you know”. 

 

Feeling completely guilty now, Rodney fumbles, “I’m sorry I said that, I never should have-” 

 

“It’s just really, really…” 

 

Rodney waits for him to continue. 

 

John picks a word uncertainly, “Buried?... Under... stuff.” 

 

“Stuff?” Rodney asks softly.

 

“My ex-wife called it…” John looks uncomfortable and shifts his eyes around the room, “an emotional train wreck. So, I guess that’s like, a lot of stuff twisted up and… buried under other stuff. I don’t mean to seem so heartless” 

 

John’s eyes look open, like he is asking for Rodney is pardon him, to understand. 

 

As he looks at Rodney beseechingly, John continues, “Because I’m really not, you know?” 

 

“I know.” Rodney sighs. He knows John has a heart; it just doesn’t belong to Rodney. Not the way Rodney’s heart belongs to John. 

 

“Hey, it’s not like I’m the poster boy for ‘having a heart’ myself.” He smiles weakly.

 

“You’ve got a huge heart, McKay.” 

 

He isn’t sure how to take that. Does John mean that Rodney’s emotions play out over his face too easily? That he is thin skinned? That everyone can tell how he feels? 

 

“You know you push people away when they try to get close to you?” Rodney blurts out an unpremeditated question.

 

“Yeah. I know that, Rodney.” John winces.

 

“Right. Sorry.” Rodney sputters, “I just wondered why.” 

 

“There are so many reasons I don’t even know myself anymore...” John looks at Rodney without the mask of indifference. His eyes are haunted, “Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for… the way I am sometimes.” 

 

“No, no.” Rodney shakes his head, “I’m sorry for what I said, I knew it was wrong when I said it. I was just angry. I know you have a heart... It’s just… Sometimes I wish it was easier to be close to you.” 

 

John’s eyes flash with emotion, something Rodney can’t read. Suddenly he reaches over and clasps Rodney to him. Rodney is caught by surprise and his arms are pinned to his side, just like the first time John hugged him. 

 

This time John squeezes Rodney deeply, like his life depends on it. Then he releases just as suddenly, saying, “Yeah, me too.” 

 

After letting go, John can’t meet Rodney’s eyes, and quickly leaves the room. Rodney smiles knowing that is probably as close as John can go, feeling touched and slightly sad at the same time. 

 

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John is making a real point to be more careful with Rodney. Sometimes he has let himself get too careless. And he doesn’t like hurting Rodney. He never means to, but it seems to keep happening. 

 

He can’t forget the horrible image of Rodney sobbing on the shower floor the last time John fucked him. Rodney has never realized that John saw that, and it will stay that way. But John has never understood what he did so terribly wrong to cause Rodney that much pain. He had thought Rodney wanted it too. All the more reason to be careful. 

 

And back on Earth, John had let himself act without thinking. He had pinned Rodney to the couch, just playing around… He never should have done it, and Rodney had been so upset. 

 

John knows that Rodney was probably more hurt than he would ever let John see. Rodney… Rodney seems fragile, but in so many ways, he is strong, stronger than he seems. 

 

And yet, the ways you wouldn’t think Rodney is vulnerable, he is. So vulnerable. 

 

Now that Rodney is letting John back in again, he is more cautious. He keeps more physical distance; he doesn’t assume the same familiarity. They still play their games and laugh together but… John really, really doesn’t want to hurt Rodney anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during/after Season 2 episode 2: 'The Intruder'


	11. Aqua Velva

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John’s face flushes in the moonlight. That’s right, Rodney knows what he smells like. He doesn’t wear enough cologne for anyone to notice unless they're very close._

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Hurrying on his way to the Jumper bay, John is excited to have a lead that may allow them to rescue Ford. 

 

In the corridor, Caldwell calls after him, “I was wondering if I needed to remind you that Lieutenant Ford is a significant security threat to this base.” There is a hint of malice in his voice.

 

“He’s also a friend in need.” John replies.

 

“His condition forces him to seek out the Wraith.” Caldwell continues, “If he’s caught, he would compromise…” 

 

John spins around and points at Caldwell, “Look. I’m going to find him and I’m going to bring him back.” 

 

With a sour expression, Caldwell tells him, “According to Dr. Beckett’s report, there may not be anything that can be done to help him.” 

 

Walking back, John faces Caldwell, “With all due respect, Sir, I hope your not saying what I think you’re saying.” 

 

“Lieutenant Ford has already proven resourceful enough to penetrate security and escape the city.” Caldwell’s face is grim, “I’m saying, if you encounter him and there’s any chance whatsoever that his capture might prove elusive, you are duty-bound to eliminate the threat.” 

 

John pushes his lips together and looks hard at the floor. 

 

“Lieutenant Ford may have been your friend, but he’s not anymore. I know you understand. You’ll do what’s right.” 

 

After a moment Caldwell adds, “You didn’t seem to have a problem with mercy when it came to Colonel Sumner.” 

 

Looking up sharply, John keeps his emotions in check while maintaining eye contact with the other man. There is no defiance in his eyes, only a shield to hide the pain.

 

The Colonel looks at John like he is waiting for him to sufficiently process his order. Then Caldwell his locks eyes in for the kill, saying lightly, “Dismissed.” 

 

‘Got it. You outrank me, don’t need to be reminded’. John heads out, more slowly now, toward the Jumper bay. 

 

The team arrives on the planet while it is still dark. John tries to get a reading from the Jumper but gives up, “Life-signs detector’s useless”. 

 

“I told you so.”  Rodney says crisply from the co-pilot chair.

 

”Just preserving your streak of being right, officially?” John asks. He starts giving orders to the group. “Let’s start a sweep. Teams of Two.” 

 

Rodney points out the window “Dr. Parrish believes that the indigenous plant life retains enough residual radioactivity absorbed during daylight to, uh, well, to screw up our sensors.” 

 

“Making it to perfect place to hide.” John says as he walks to the back of the Jumper.

 

“Yes.” Rodney calls after him, “Or, the perfect place to be exposed to dangerously high levels of solar radiation.” 

 

Halfway through giving instructions to his team, John wrinkles his nose in confusion “How come it smells like I’m on vacation here?” 

 

He turns back to face the interior of the Jumper and sees Rodney rubbing cream over his face and neck. 

 

“Mmm, could it be the simulated tropical aroma of cocoa butter?” Rodney trills.

 

“Strong enough for anyone within 5 miles to smell you.” John cracks.

 

Rodney is flippant, “Oh yeah, like they haven’t been tipped off by the Aqua Velva.” 

 

John’s face flushes in the moonlight. That’s right, Rodney knows what he smells like. He doesn’t wear enough for anyone to notice unless they are up very close. 

 

“It’s dark.” He adds more sarcasm to his voice to hide his embarrassment.

 

“Yeah”, Rodney argues his point, looking at his watch, “and the sun will be up in 2 hours, 43 minutes, and 10 seconds.”

 

“It’s raining.” John argues as he steps out into the clearing. 

 

Rodney is undeterred, “So, we’ll be cold and miserable. Look, the cloud cover will depreciate a small percentage of UV rays, but 95% of deadly is still deadly.” 

 

Major Lorne adds, “Dr. Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn’t going to kill us.” 

 

“Yes”, Rodney continues rubbing has tropical sunscreen on his neck and face, “and Dr. Parrish has a PhD in what? Right, botany.”

 

John splits the group into teams. He takes Teyla with and him informs Major Lorne, like he has won the booby prize, that he will be with McKay. 

 

“Oh, lucky me.” Lorne murmurs. 

 

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It isn’t fair, Rodney’s skin has just healed from his exposure to that star en route back to Earth. Now he must once more face exposure to possibly deadly radiation. He and Lorne search until the sun comes up. Then they head back to the Jumper to update Elizabeth. 

 

Teyla and John have fallen out of radio contact and Elizabeth sends for some back up.  
When the reinforcements arrive, Rodney finds none of them seem to be taking his words of caution about solar radiation to heart. He seems to be the only person putting on a radiation suit to go back out. 

 

“Okay, that- that’s just reckless.” Rodney is dismayed, “There are four suits.” 

 

Lorne seems exasperated, “Not exactly designed for moving through dense brush and rough terrain. Not to mention possible combat, huh?” 

 

He sullenly pulls the bulky hood over his face and follows Lorne back out. The renewed search for Ford, Teyla, and Sheppard is not going well. Rodney is stumbling, he can barely keep up with Lorne in the heavy suit; his vision is almost completely obscured by his fogged up headpiece. 

 

“It’s so hot.” he complains. 

 

“Oh, come on.” Lorne is impatient, “Step it up, McKay, would you?” 

 

Rodney is weary, “I am moving as fast as I can. I’m very hot. Aren’t you hot?” 

 

“Actually,” Lorne sounds cheerful, “I’m quite comfortable. But I’m not wearing a 50 pound rubber suit, am I?” 

 

“I can't breath, I gotta stop.” Rodney gives in and pulls off the headpiece, “Sweet relief. I think the- the fumes from the sunblock are making me dizzy.” He pants, “I gotta -I gotta just rest here”. 

 

“Unbelievable.” Lorne stops his pace and looks at McKay with disgust.

 

He sits down, resting against a large tree. Rodney has barely begun to catch his breath when Lorne stalks up to him.

 

“Okay, you’ve had your fresh air. Come on, let’s go.” 

 

When Rodney protests and suggests they return to the Jumper, Lorne informs him that they have only been gone 15 minutes. 

 

“Oh really?” Rodney looks at his watch, seeing his error “I thought… It feels longer.” 

 

“Wow, you must REALLY be some kind of genius.” Lorne shakes his head.

 

“Well, as a matter of fact, I um…” Rodney struggles to get back up, “Wait a minute. See, why would you say that now?” 

 

“Something has to have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time.” 

 

Rodney feels small but jokes, “Yeah, yeah, like I didn’t see that one coming, huh?” 

 

Lorne is suddenly hit by a Wraith stun blast. Rodney didn’t see that one coming. 

 

He grabs the radio and screams “Mayday! Mayday! We are under attack. Lorne’s been hit. I repeat we are under Wraith attack!” 

 

Then he remembers his gun and pulls it out. Oh my God. It’s Ford walking toward him. 

 

“How about you drop your gun, I know what you’re like with weapons. I wouldn’t want it accidentally going off while it’s pointed at me.” Ford tells him.

 

He is speechless as Ford takes the gun from his hand. Ford is telling Rodney that he is fine, better than fine due to the Wraith enzyme and they are going to prove by rescuing Teyla and Sheppard. 

 

“Right and you know where they are?” Rodney stalls.

 

“Yeah” Ford answers easily.

 

Rodney cocks his head, “Which way did you…?” 

 

Gesturing with his guns, Ford makes conversation along the way, happy to hear that Atlantis wasn’t destroyed. He asks Rodney, ”Anything else happen since I’ve been gone?” 

 

“Ah, Major Sheppard got promoted to Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard.” 

 

“Really?” Ford sounds pleased.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Good for him.” Ford grins.

 

Rodney feels flat; he misses the Major. Things really haven’t been the same between them in a while. It feels like the Colonel is someone Rodney doesn’t know yet. He replies with a dull ache, “Yeah.” 

 

The walk is getting long and Rodney is feeling the sun. Ford keeps rambling about his plans and isn’t making much sense. Rodney tries to get more information, “You say this guy has them?” 

 

“Yeah.” Ford replies.

 

“Well, what guy?”

 

“I don’t know” Ford answers like he hadn’t really considered it, “What do you mean, ‘What guy’? A guy.” 

 

Ford tells Rodney he was on a planet scouting out the Wraith and this ‘guy’ was there. Then he digresses to talk about the enzyme and how Atlantis could create an army of super soldiers with it. 

 

Rodney tries to reel him back, “You were saying?” 

 

“What?” Ford is distracted. 

 

“About the guy?” Rodney prods.

 

Ford explains that he followed one of the Wraith to this planet, thinking it would be easy to take out and harvest his enzyme. Ford figures the Wraith was chasing ‘the guy’. 

 

“How do you know?” Rodney asks.

 

“Well, he was running from the Wraith when I killed the sucker.” Ford says proudly.

 

Out of breath again, Rodney stops, “Okay, so what does ‘the guy’ want with Sheppard and Teyla?” 

 

“I don’t know.” Ford admits, “When I save them, we’ll find out.” 

 

Trudging on wearily, Rodney suspects that Ford has no clue how to find Sheppard or Teyla. Finally he stops, folding his arms across his chest stubbornly. 

 

“Why are you stopping?” Ford demands.

 

“Because I am tired and you have no idea where you are going.” 

 

“How do you know?” Ford backs up angrily.

 

Rodney gestures, “We’ve been walking around in circles for hours.” 

 

“So that’s it.” Ford’s voice takes an edge, “You just give up? Is that it? That’s what you do, isn’t it? You just -you give up on your friends when they need you most!” 

 

His heart sinks, “No one’s given up on you, Ford. We want to help you.” 

 

Ford is getting more erratic, “I’m talking about Major Sheppard and Teyla!” 

 

“Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard.” Without thinking, Rodney corrects Ford, like everyone has been correcting him of late. 

 

“Oh right…”  Ford scoffs, “Lieutenant Colonel. So Ford’s lost it. Ford’s all crazy. Ford can’t even remember a simple little thing.” 

 

“Hey, I never said that.” Rodney tries to reason with him, “Although the fact that you keep referring to yourself in the third person does indicate clinical dissociation.” 

 

“You don’t even know what a friend is, do you, McKay?!” Ford shouts.

 

And Rodney feels all the air leave his chest. He looks up at Ford bewildered and sad, thinking, he is right, he is so right. 

 

“All you care about is yourself!” Ford declares.

 

The fact that he has hit a sore spot doesn’t mean Rodney is going to concede defeat, he tries to sound unruffled, “Will you relax?” 

 

“You relax.” Ford sneers, “You’re pathetic.” 

 

Rodney is feels his chest tighten again, Ford’s words hit too close to the mark. Pathetic. That’s what Rodney thinks of himself and how he imagines most people see him. It’s what Alex used say…

 

Ford is still yelling, his words running all together, “You were always making fun of me. You wanna play a game? Pick on Ford? I could shoot you and leave you here to die.” 

 

“Shoot me?” Rodney is incredulous, “When did this escalate to physical violence?” 

 

“You’re the one who thinks I’m nuts!” Ford looks maniacal now, “I’m capable of anything. I could go off at any time.” 

 

“All right,” Rodney steps forward defiantly, “you wanna shoot me? Shoot me. Fine. I don’t care.” 

 

Strangely he feels like he doesn’t care, but he ramps up the performance for good effect, “It’ll just save me suffering one of the many horribly painful deaths I have lined up for me, having been exposed to this much radiation! And quite frankly, it just proves how far gone you are! Now, I’m heading back to the Jumper and you’re welcome to join me!” 

 

With that, he turns his back and begins the walk into the underbrush. He hears gunfire erupt all around him and cringes waiting to die. He doesn’t seem to be hit.

 

“Are you crazy?” He turns around livid and screaming, “You could have killed me!” 

 

“I’m sorry…” Ford looks confused and backs down, “Look, you don’t know what it’s like, almost dying like I did, having your friends turn on you, no one trusts you. I’m out here all alone.” 

 

Rodney feels a wave of compassion for the man. He knows what it’s like to feel alone. “You don’t have to be alone, Ford. Look this drug is messing with your head. Just come back to the Jumper with me, we’ll go back to Atlantis and Dr. Beckett may even figure out a way for you to keep your new superpower, all right?” 

 

“You think?” Ford looks like he wants to believe him. 

 

“Sure, why not?” Rodney hopes he is finally getting through.

 

But Ford is resolved that he has to find Teyla and Sheppard first, he tells Rodney to go back to the Jumper and he’ll meet him there. Rodney can’t bring himself to leave Ford like this and follows after him. He won’t leave Ford alone. See, he can be a friend. 

 

It is getting dark again and Rodney is struggling to keep up with Ford’s punishing pace. Ford thinks he hears something. He suddenly shoves Rodney against a tree, gives him a gun, and leaves. 

 

A few military men come through the brush moments later. Rodney waves his gun in the air, “Don’t shoot, it’s just me.” 

 

From behind Rodney somewhere, Ford shoots both of the military men with a Wraith stunner. 

 

“What the hell were you doing? Those were our guys!” He exclaims.

 

“I can’t trust them.” Ford looks at the unconscious bodies in disdain. 

 

“Oh, that’s it.” Rodney thinks it is time for some tough love, “Yeah, I’ve had it.” He turns his gun on Ford trying to do his best Dirty Harry impersonation, “Just drop your weapons, now!” 

 

“You’re gonna shoot me?” Ford laughs.

 

“I will if I have to”, Rodney keeps his voice steady, then with more determination, he adds, “Ford, I’m taking you in. Look, you may not believe this, but it is for your own good.” 

 

Ford’s face goes dark and he brings his own gun up to match Rodney’s. Rodney quickly pulls the trigger, shooting Ford in the shoulder in hopes he will drop the gun. Those shooting lessons with the Maj,- the Colonel, are really paying off. 

 

But Ford barely notices, the wound does nothing but enrage him. He touches his shoulder and sees the blood, looking back to Rodney with murderous eyes. 

 

Rodney takes off in a run, firing his gun in the air and screaming, “Help me! Help me!” 

 

In his panic, he realizes he has fired the entire clip. He keeps running in the dark hoping he is headed away from danger, when some kind of a trap pulls him by foot and leaves him dangling upside down and helpless from a tree. He flails uselessly to no avail. With this suit on, he must look like a big orange target. 

 

Ford catches up with Rodney laughing, “Well, look at you.” 

 

“Yes, look at me.” Rodney tries to sound calm, “It’s funny, huh?” He tries to simulate laughter but it sounds false and hollow. Shit, he has to try another tactic. 

 

“You set this up?” He asks Ford, “That’s clever.” 

 

“Wasn’t me.” Ford says wide-eyed.

 

“No, huh?” Rodney attempts a conciliatory tone, “Well, I’m glad we can both uh…” he waves an arm for effect, “still laugh about this together.” Rodney emits another cartoonish sound that is meant to sound jovial, but comes out more like a bird cawing. 

 

“Hey,” Rodney suggests, “How about cutting me down now?” 

 

“No,” Ford shakes his head, “I think I’m still going to kill you.” 

 

“What?!” Rodney sputters, “What do you mean ‘still’? When did this escalate to killing?” 

 

“When you shot me.” Ford replies in flat tone.

 

“It’s a flesh wound! I knew it wasn’t going to hurt you! You’re -you’re Super-Ford, remember?” 

 

“You tried to kill me!” Ford is beyond his reach now, yelling and lifting his gun point blank to Rodney’s head.

 

He knows he sounds pathetic, but Rodney pleads for his life, ”You can’t kill an unarmed, upside-down man!” 

 

The gun fires, but again there is no pain. Opening his eyes, Rodney sees a strange man tackling Ford. This must be ‘the guy’. While ‘the guy’ fights Ford, Rodney tries to free himself, but it is pointless and he gives up. 

 

The two of them seem about matched and Rodney can’t tell who is going to win, Ford or ‘the guy’. The guy is huge, massive; they are fighting with knives now. Ford is reaching down for his fallen gun, and then Rodney hears John’s voice issue a warning. 

 

“Lieutenant... Don’t.” John is pointing his gun straight at Ford. 

 

Ford looks indecisive. Some Wraith Darts fly overhead and Ford uses the distraction to run. 

 

“Ford!” John runs after him. 

 

Rodney looks at the guy. Yes, a very, very big guy. “Hi. It’s Dr. Rodney McKay.” he reaches out his arm as if to shake hands, “Could you get me down, please?” 

 

The man looks feral and fierce, eyes and teeth flashing in the dark, like some kind of barbarian. Rodney wonders if he is going to try to eat him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 2 episode 3: 'Runner'


	12. Just sayin', I think you could do better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _After a brush with death, Rodney is forced to share his mind with another consciousness. Now he finds himself faced with his darkest secrets; things he's tried so hard to forget, things he's vowed never to tell another living soul._  
> .

.

**.**

Back on Atlantis, Caldwell reprimands John, "You had him in your sights and you let him get away."

I shot him once. It didn't slow him down." John tries to offer an excuse.

Rodney pipes up. "I shot him too."

"He ran into the beam. “John explains

Elizabeth is incredulous, "Are you suggesting he wanted to be taken?"

John remembers Ford screaming at him as he lunged into the path of the alien dematerializer, looking up to the empty sky where he disappeared with a sinking feeling in his chest. “I think he saw it was his only way off the planet."

"I can tell you from the quality time I spent with Ford, he was definitely not thinking straight." Rodney adds.

"Now thanks to you, he's in enemy hands with information that could compromise all of us." Caldwell turns to go.

Before he can leave, John speaks up again, "I don't think he'll give us away."

Caldwell comes back into the room addressing John with flagrant disgust, "Oh, thank you so much for your assurance, Colonel. I'll be sure to include your 'feelings' in my report."

That shuts John up. He knows it doesn't matter what he thinks about Ford's loyalties. He’s failed another member of his team and failed Atlantis. It is another strike on the list of things John won't forgive himself for.

 _‘_ _Focus John’_ He turns his thoughts back to Ronon. He has to break the news to him about his home world, Sateda; it has been utterly destroyed by the Wraith.

Bringing Ronon up to the control room, John shows him video footage the MALP recorded from the Satedan gate. After taking in the sight of the ruins, Ronon impassively walks away. But John knows that look, he knows Ronon is breaking under the surface and goes after him. The guards still follow at a distance, but John shows Ronon around Atlantis to make him feel more at home while he is here.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

John has been spending a lot of time with the barbarian caveman, Ronon. These days the two of them are often together, training, running… whatever. It seems like John has finally found a buddy who likes to do all the same stuff he does. Rodney can't help but feel jealous. There is just no way he could be that kind of guy. He's just the brilliant but nerdy scientist who will never excel as a fighter.

When John finally does have time to hang out with Rodney, he is excited and talking about his new pet project, Ronon. John explains a bit about Ronon's backstory. Apparently, he was a soldier on a planet that was destroyed by the Wraith. The Wraith captured him and placed some kind of tracking device in his back, in order to hunt him down.

They think the Wraith do this once in a while, for sport. The people with the tracking devices are called runners. Ronon had been on the run for 7 years before Carson was able to remove the device. John brags that Ronon is a skilled warrior and tracker.

"I think I'm going to ask him to join the team." John confides to Rodney.

"Oh." Rodney feels bitter about John's new sidekick but smiles, "That's great… Great."

After John leaves, Rodney considers that maybe it's time to find someone of his own to spend time with... Someone besides Carson. There is that botanist, Katie Brown. Rodney has asked her out a few times but always ended up cancelling due to… Well, probably due to being in love with John. But the healthy thing to do would be to follow up with that. Rodney resolves to work up the courage to ask Katie out again.

**.**

**.**

While assessing some damage on a recently culled planet, Rodney walks through a grassy field with Carson and Lieutenant Cadman. The Lieutenant, who he barely knows, starts teasing him about his date tomorrow night with Katie, and for the life of him Rodney cannot figure out how she would know about it.

"What's this now? Carson is amused, “You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?"

Rodney pulls his hand over his mouth nervously, "It is simply two adults sharing some friendly…" he stops in his tracks, "Yes, with a WOMAN." ‘ _He is perfectly capable of dating a woman, why wouldn't he be?_ ’

To his chagrin, Cadman is laughing about it and taunting him, saying everything comes out at girl's poker night. Rodney tries to tell her to let it go and that this is inappropriate field conversation, but they are interrupted by the whirring sound of a Wraith Dart. Cadman radios in and warns the other team members.

John's voice comes over the radio ordering everyone on the ground to take the Dart down at all costs; they can't risk it blowing Atlantis's cover.

.  
.

Rodney is standing in the field again. The last thing he remembers is running through that grassy field. Except, now everyone else is here. And he is standing in front of some wreckage from the Wraith Dart.

John asks, "Rodney, you okay?"

His vision begins to blur and he feels himself spinning. Then everything goes black.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

John supervises the transport of the wreckage back to Atlantis. The beam caught two people into its storage device, but they had only been able to get one out. Lieutenant Cadman's life sign got lost but thank God Rodney made it. Beckett says he's going to be fine, that Rodney should be back to his old self in no time.

On the way to check on in him in the infirmary, John stops by the mess hall to speak with Ronon.

"So what do you think of Atlantis?" John asks their visitor.

Ronon mumbles through a mouthful of food, "'S'fine."

 _‘Okay. So far this conversation is not going as planned’_ , "Have you thought about what you wanna do after you're done here?"

Looking up from his dish, Ronon asks, "You want me to leave?"

"No, no." John has been misunderstood, "Stay as long as you like."

He tries again, "I'm just saying, you know your way around, you can take care of yourself in a fight, you hate the Wraith as much as we do."

Ronon shovels some food into his mouth with a glare.

John corrects, "Okay, maybe more than we do. The point is, we could use a guy like you around here and you look like you could use a place to stay."

Understanding what John is asking him now, Ronon stops for moment. He turns to look at the ever-present guard that has been with him since his arrival, "I'm not sure I'd fit in here."

"There's only one way to find out." John offers.

Ronon licks his fingers, "Do I have to decide now or can I finish eating?"

"Take your time... and uh," John pulls out some silverware and holds them up, "Try these, they work great."

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

Soon after coming back from his ordeal, Rodney realizes that he’s not alone inside his own mind. Somehow Cadman's consciousness is in there with him.

As he sorts through the wreckage of the Wraith dart, he wastes no time in giving Zelenka a thorough dressing down for his ineptitude when rematerializing him.

He tries to ignore Cadman's constant chatter in his head but then she just starts yelling, making him lose his temper and scream at her. John teases him and tells him he looks crazy, which is the last thing he needs, his sanity truly is hanging by a thread.

Now Rodney is shouting at John too. "I'm sure I do." he says angrily gesturing to Zelenka, "But only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!"

Zelenka is defensive, "Yes. Yes. I made a mistake trying to save your life. Now, do you want to try to fix it or do you want to continue to berate me some more?"

"I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!" Rodney snaps.

He runs down a quick list of what Zelenka has already tried and sets himself to the task at hand. But the voice in his head is too much to take and Rodney erupts in complete fury. Everyone in the room is a spectator as he gets into a full on screaming match with the voice none of them can hear.

After his outburst, Elizabeth insists that he speak to that condescending therapist, Heightmeyer. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

He is still talking to the irritating person in his mind when he runs into Katie in the hall. Trying to play it off as if he was speaking into his com, he flounders and attempts to discuss their date tomorrow. He could blame his fumbling on Cadman, but the truth is, he’s always been awkward around women who might be interested in him. For some reason, when they are out of reach, his usual arrogance keeps him afloat. If there is a chance they might like him back, he loses all dignity.

Once Katie is gone, Cadman criticizes him,  _'You really know nothing about women, do you?'_

"I know plenty." Rodney points his finger up in defiance.

 _'Maybe this is a good thing?'_  Cadman reflects.

Rodney gasps, "Excuse me?"

_'I could teach you a thing or two about the opposite sex, McKay. Lord knows, you need it.'_

"This is hell. My own personal hell." he mutters.

_'It's really good that I came along when I did. This date with Katie is going to be the perfect opportunity for you to get over your feelings for John.'_

Horrified, Rodney stops dead in his tracks.

She continues, _'You know, whatever was going on between you guys was really unhealthy. I can tell you're pretty messed up about it and I think you could do better. I mean, look, your relationships with men haven't gone so well. Am I right?_ _Lucky for you, I came along to help you find your way back to the wonderful world of women.’_

He gapes speechless, wondering what else she knows about him. Oh God, this is a nightmare.

 _'You there Rodney?' Cadman asks_ _'I really think we should talk about this. What I'm trying to say is that maybe if you learned how to relate to women, you'd have a shot at… Oh, I dunno, happiness?.'_

Ducking into his quarters, Rodney closes the door, "We don't need to talk about anything. This is so off limits I can't even believe you would-"

 _'Come on Rodney, who else are you going to talk to, Heightmeyer? Besides, I already know everything, so that should make it easy._ ’

He sinks his head into his hands, "Easy. Yes, all of this is so easy."

 _She chatters on,_ ‘ _How come you turn into a ball of nerves whenever a pretty girl gives you attention? You only seem to flirt when you think there is no way she'll like you back. You just need to learn how to talk to women.'_

The barrage of truth is too much for Rodney to take. All the anger has drained from him, now he just feels exposed. Too mortified to move, he hears himself whimper, "Please, stop."

Cadman continues her analysis,  _'Look, I know you like men AND women, and let's face it, your relationships with men haven't gone so well. I think if you just learned to get over your own crippling sense of inadequacy you'd find a woman that might actually fall for you._

_But you just never let it get far enough to go anywhere-“_

“I don’t let it get far enough?” Rodney erupts in anger, “If you know so much, you’d know that it’s never been my choice. Only a handful of women have been willing to be involved with me for any length of time, and they were the ones who always ended it. So I fail to see how I could have extended it any further!”

_“I mean you just… Okay, like canceling three dates with Katie? Um, I dunno, it’s the little things McKay. Like saying someone looks nice, or that you enjoy their company instead of blurting out rude stuff that most people know not to say out loud. Fortunately, with Katie, I happen to know that she finds your whole ‘socially inept genius’ thing kind of cute._

_So, just spend some time with her. And for the love of God, figure out how to formulate complete sentences… Maybe you could just relax_ _,_ _be yourself more, you know? Like, the way you are around John.’_

“Be myself. Wow. That is so helpful, Cadman. It’s like getting dating advice from a middle school guidance counselor. Okay, you obviously know nothing about men. Even guys like John, who women tend to fall for, know better than to just ‘be themselves’ around women they want to date.

Women don’t want to hear the kind of stuff that comes out of our mouths half the time. And I’m not exactly the best at self-editing. You have no idea how hard it is to try to think of the right things to say. Thank you for reminding me of why I backed out of my last three dates with Katie, and dredging up all my past failures. And thank you SO MUCH for reminding me that no one has ever wanted to be with me once they really got to know me. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this date tomorrow now.

 _'Jeez, I was only trying to help.'_ Cadman’s tone sounds a little less chipper.

Rodney heaves a sigh, bracing himself for a session with Heightmeyer as he walks back out of his quarters, “Can you please just try to shut up and give me 5 minutes of sanity until I get to her office?”

_‘Fine.’_

The session is excruciating; Rodney actually thinks he prefers the insane dialogue with Cadman to the therapist's simpering and saccharine platitudes. Heightmeyer’s best advice about living with Cadman in his head is to relax and go with it, maybe let Cadman have more control; she's an idiot.

.

.

Rodney stops pinching his brow and turns around but can't quite seem to meet John's gaze, "I, uh, couldn't sleep. I was trying to clear my head".

John sounds unsure of himself, "I, uh, hear the transformer test didn't go so well."

Trying to sound chipper like Cadman, Rodney shifts his head to the side, "Well, you heard right." He finally lifts his chin and stares at John.

"Ah, listen" John says uncomfortably, "I wanted you to know that I gave the command to take the Dart down."

Oh, that's what this is about, more of John's misplaced guilt; Rodney sighs, "Much as I'd like to pretend that this is remotely your fault, the thought of what would've happened if you hadn't shot the Dart down is, ah…" he trails off with a hiss, shuttering to think of waking on a Hive ship.

"So… We're cool?" John asks.

"No, you're cool.” Rodney answers wearily. “I'm fine"

Once John is out of sight, Cadman remarks, ' _I'm just sayin', I think you could do better.'_

Honestly Rodney doesn't. He's never been with anyone who really wanted him. He hears Alex's voice in his head telling him how worthless and pathetic he is, how unlovable. Rodney winces. And women have never been that interested in him. The ones that have, haven't stayed long. And Cadman is right about his relationships with men; they’ve been a mess, mostly heartbreak and despair.

And John... he's never loved anyone the way he loves that man. How pathetic is it that Rodney still clings to the small time they had together. No, not just when they were together. Actually, it was everything that came after, the rush of falling for him, the little ways that John would let him into his world. John feels like home.

 _'Rodney'_ Cadman's voice is so quiet he can hardly hear her,  _'Alex was wrong. You just- ended up in a relationship with someone very disturbed. I know it did a lot of damage, but you do deserve to be happy.'_

Shaking in humiliation, Rodney hisses, “We are not talking about this."

_'But maybe that's the point, you've never talked to anyone about what you went through. Maybe that's why this happened with us, so I can help you. I mean, let’s face it, you've kept it all in... all these years. That can't be healthy. I think that's maybe why your so confused about John.'_

Safely behind the closed door of his quarters again, Rodney lets himself speak in a loud voice, "Why would I ever want to talk about any of this with anyone -least of all you? I don't want to think about it and I don't want you prying inside my mind!"

_'But you do think about it.'_

“No, no. I was perfectly fine until you came along and started messing with my head."

 _'Come on, Rodney. I was there when you tried to talk to Katie. You need my help. She actually likes you_ _but you keep canceling dates_ _. I think it’s because you don’t really believe anyone will ever love you -and that’s why you’ve held onto this unrequited, dysfunctional thing with John instead.’_

"Well, I didn't cancel this date. Happy?!" He slams a cabinet door closed in frustration.

‘ _Not yet. But with my help we might just solve some of this.’_

"I don't want your help! How many times do I have to say it?"

‘ _Rodney you have no idea what it's like trapped in here. If I have to live inside your head, I can't deal with this constant suffering.’_

Oh, now YOU’RE the one who's suffering? How very terrible for you. Maybe I'll just put an end to all of this and kill us both. At least that way I’ll finally have some peace."

After a moment Rodney is surprised to hear no retort back from his tormenter, he turns to get his computer.

Then he hears Cadman again, _'I'm so sorry, Rodney.'_

Ignoring her, he starts typing.

_'I mean, I'm sorry things were so bad with Alex that you once considered that.'_

Horrified that she could know so much about his past, he stares at the screen. He wants to deny that he was ever that broken, but he can’t. It would be a pointless lie and she would obviously know it. But she can’t force him to talk about it. He’s never talked about what happened with Alex and he never will.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

Ronon has spent the day being taken through some sort of initiation rite. At least that's what it seems like. Sparring at the gym, overview of weaponry, target practice… There wasn't anything Sheppard threw at him that he wasn't already really good at… but he still isn't sure what to make of this place.

Even though he is still being trailed by 2 guards, he seeks Teyla out in her quarters that evening. He is worried that he took things too far when sparring with her earlier. She had asked him not to go easy on her, but she and Sheppard both seemed alarmed when he flipped Teyla on her back so suddenly.

"I wanted to apologize." Ronon speaks from her doorway.

"Come in." Teyla gestures.

He walks cautiously into the room and Teyla continues, "Do not worry, Ronon. It was impressive."

She offers him a chair, "Please… How are you finding your training?"

Ronon sits down, "You mean my testing?"

"Is that what you think?" Teyla frowns.

"Am I wrong?"

Teyla smiles at him, "Colonel Sheppard believes you can be of great help to us."

Ronon studies her face and then asks, "Why did you join them?"

"My people are strong and proud," Teyla tells him, "but Atlantis is the best hope for us all. I suspect you see it too, or you would have already left."

He drops his head slightly, thinking. She is right. Atlantis is the best chance they have to defeat the Wraith.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

After waking up naked in Cadman's bed, Rodney is outraged. What else was she doing with his body while he was sleeping? He doesn't even want to imagine.

Cadman has insisted on 'helping' him with his date tonight. Why she’s so determined to solve his romantic woes, he does not know. Maybe a single day inside his head was all she could bear before trying to do something about it. Anyway how much worse could it get?

Later, when he arrives at Katie's quarters he’s surprised to find Carson there.

Katie tells Rodney not to fret about being late, saying Carson has been keeping her company; she urges him to sit down.

 _Wait… Carson is staying?_ He looks at his friend in confusion, "Carson?"

"Rodney?" Carson sounds relaxed.

"What are you doing here?" He whispers.

Carson blanches, "You invited me."

Unamused he retorts, "Oh I did, did I?" Then he realizes this was Cadman's doing; he changes his tone to make it sound like a casual answer to his own question, "Yes."

Rodney starts eating the salad immediately but Cadman says he should be making a toast.

He tries his best but she's right. When it comes to women, he is hopeless -especially on the rare occasions when one seems to like him. He stand up with a glass raised, but can barely talk. And after many long agonizing pauses, he finally sits back down. What the hell did he just say? He thinks he may have complimented Katie on being able to make a salad.

Cadman tries to encourage him, _'That wasn't so bad. She's obviously into you. So we have that working for us.'_

Thinking Cadman must be wrong, Rodney gulps at his wine. Nobody is ever into him, at least not once they get to know him. How is he supposed to get over this crippling sense of inadequacy when he is, in fact, inadequate? Cadman is talking but Rodney isn't listening. he grabs the glass of wine and guzzles the whole thing down.

With his cup empty, Rodney has nothing left to do but sit in awkward silence.

 _'Say something, McKay.'_ Cadman prompts him, _'Come on, say something that'll start a conversation.'_

"So...um," He rubs his nose nervously "...Do you… uh… um…" Rodney has started the sentence before thinking it through and now he is coming up empty.

"Yes?" Katie asks with hopeful interest.

He waits for something to come to him but nothing does, "I forgot what I was going to say."

Katie looks so disappointed that he tries again, "What was, um…"

Cadman takes control of his body, standing up, "Okay, this is ridiculous."

With a confident look, Rodney's body walks over to Katie and takes her hand, "Katie, I really like you. In fact, the past few months here have been made more livable, thanks to you.

Katie beams and Carson gapes as Cadman continues in Rodney's voice, "I wanted tonight to be special, but for reasons I can't go into now, I gotta leave."

Looking crestfallen, Katie and stands up, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"But", Cadman continues, "I don't want you to be insulted or wonder whether or not I'm interested in you, because I am." Cadman delivers a smoldering look to Katie, "I am very, very interested." With that Rodney sees his arms reach out and swoop Katie into a romance novel embrace.

He, or rather Cadman, dips her back and kisses her soundly before pulling her back up. His voice sounds so suave, "See you soon", he says to a breathless Katie.

Before Cadman struts out of the room, she places a hand on Carson's face and gives him a look that puts the whole heterosexual romance of the kiss that just happened into question.

As they head down the hall Rodney demands, "Give me back my body, we have to go back."

 _'And do what?'_  Cadman asks coolly,  _'I bet that is the most honest you've ever been with a girl, and it wasn't even you.'_

The two of them start fighting in the hall, resulting in a face slap and a game of rock, paper, scissors which Cadman wins. But they both stop when the intercom blares, "Dr. McKay, report to the hanger."

**.**

.

Rodney has the distinct displeasure of watching Zelenka run an another unsuccessful test with some mice while trying to rematerialize them with Wraith beam.

John cracks, "Now, I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color."

"This is never going to end." Rodney moans. Sounding more bitter with each word he glares accusingly at Zelenka, "I'm gonna be stuck like this... forever."

He ends up back in Heightmeyer's office arguing with Cadman about how she hijacked his body. Spitting mad, Rodney's face goes impossibly hot and he begins to seize up, contorting and eventually losing consciousness on the floor.

When he wakes he is in the infirmary again. Carson tells him that his body is giving out under the strain of containing two minds; one of them is going to have to let go -otherwise they will both die.

Cadman takes control of his body again and tells the room that she can feel herself fading already, she is fighting just to keep herself intact. She assures everyone that she will let go so Rodney can survive.

Despite her valor and his recent rage, Rodney isn't willing to let her die just yet. Zelenka's mice are still not surviving the re-materialization, but Rodney comes up with a plan to use the Stargate's ability to dematerialize matter instead of the damaged Wraith technology.

He leaves the infirmary, despite Carson's objections, to help Zelenka with the interface. They have to attempt a transfer before he has a fatal seizure.

John steps forward, his hand gesturing close to Rodney's chest, "Hold on Rodney, I thought all the mice died."

Flippantly, Rodney tells everyone that he is sure about this

Rodney steps back into the field of the particle beam and braces for salvation or oblivion. But Cadman puts up a finger and takes control of the body once more, saying, "Wait."

He sees himself walk over to Carson. His hands fiercely grab Carson's medical jacket and Rodney watches in horror as he delivers a passionate kiss to his colleague.

_Oh God, he is kissing Carson in front of everyone. Fucking Cadman! He should have let her die._

Carson isn't responding to Rodney's ministrations but Cadman continues to press his body up against him and kiss like there is no tomorrow.

**.**

.

* * *

 

.

.

John narrows his eyes. Emotions are speeding around in his head, jealousy, confusion, embarrassment, jealousy.

Rodney suddenly pulls away from Beckett in a definitive smack; he is looking self-satisfied, still holding onto the doctor.

"Just in case this doesn't work." Rodney explains.

But Rodney and Beckett are just friends, aren't they? John presses his lips together feeling suddenly hot. Why should it bother him if Rodney and Beckett are- …Or maybe it wasn't Rodney that kissed Beckett, what if it was Cadman? Somehow that thought makes him feel less uncomfortable.

He hopes to God this rematerialization thing is really sorted out, he can’t even consider what it would be like to lose Rodney. No, John has learned to trust Rodney on these things, if Rodney says it will work, it will work.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

Rodney has control again and releases Carson in disgust, "Ugh."

He backs away without making eye contact and utters, "Oh" like he is going to be sick to his stomach.

Backing into the field, he closes his eyes to block out the room and the utter humiliation he is feeling.

Cadman justifies her actions, ‘ _Come on, like you've never kissed a guy before.'_

"Just… just... hit it." Rodney speaks weakly, his face completely hidden behind his hand.

Nothing happens at first and then Rodney thinks he hears John’s voice before everything disappears.

.  
**.**

Waking up, Rodney’s vision is blurry but he can make out John, Elizabeth and Zelenka on the far side of the infirmary.

He hears Cadman's voice. At first he thinks she is still in his head but then he realizes she is on a stretcher next to him.

Seeing her face is so unsettling, Rodney feels bared to the soul.

When John comes by to check on them Rodney panics that she is going to say something about how he is in love with him. That's just the kind of thing she would do.

He sees her smiling a little too wide and giggling like she is seeing her commanding officer in a whole new light.

To cut off their conversation, Rodney interjects loudly, "Yes, thank you."

He doesn't know who he is thanking, it doesn't matter, he just has to stop Cadman from talking to John. He looks up to John terrified that somehow he is going to know… that she knows.

John smiles lazily. For a brief second he gives Rodney an uneasy look, then his eyes dart away.

When John leaves, Cadman catches his eye and gives Rodney a knowing look. He lets her see the fear plainly written across his face. She gives him a smile that says, _'No one will ever know'_ and Rodney smiles back uncertainly.

Then she doubles down on the expression, to make sure Rodney gets the message; he nods and lays back into his pillow with a deep sigh.

**.**

**.**

After Rodney has recovered sufficiently, he is cleared to go back on missions with the team. He can't believe Elizabeth was okay with letting John's shiny new toy join the team. But that had been what John wanted and Rodney knows from experience, it is hard to say no to John.

Ronon's first mission out… The first thing he had done, was walk over to a smelly pot and spoon some gunk -or whatever it was- into his mouth. The barbarian had actually eaten some of it.

Rodney had warned him, saying, "You don't know what that is, that could be their laundry!"

The guy had just grunted, "Pretty good."

Granted, the caveman is good looking. He has a chiseled face with caramel colored skin, big chunks of hair worn in dreads that hang about his face like a wild frame of tusks. But Ronon hardly seems capable of stringing more than two words together and Rodney has doubts about more than just his linguistic capabilities.

He hardly seems worth all the attention John is giving him. It reminds Rodney of how John had been with him when he first joined the team. Is it insulting or flattering that John doesn't seem to think Rodney requires training anymore?

It's not that he hasn't seen John at all since the caveman arrived; John still makes time for Rodney, just not as much. Rodney and Carson have gotten closer in the meantime.

Carson is actually refreshing to be around, little to no sarcasm, very sincere and easy to talk to. Not as funny or as exciting as John, but the safer friend alternative. He'd had been really understanding about the whole kiss thing that happened when Cadman took over his body. He hasn't teased Rodney at all and there has been no residual weirdness once the whole question of who kissed who was cleared up.

Maybe friendship is supposed to be more like how Rodney feels around Carson. I mean, you're not supposed to jack off thinking about your friend at night. Rodney tries not to, but he still cums hard to those images of John from the past. Oh yeah. And you aren't supposed to be hopelessly in love with a friend either.

Rodney sighs, tossing on his bed. He can't sleep with his mind racing about John. He decides to listen to the song that helped him get through that heartbreaking night back on Earth. It makes it better and worse at the same time.

He hates that he isn't what John is looking for; Rodney will never be John's destination. It is all so hopeless. And now that he has humiliated himself with Katie, Rodney's best chance at getting over John just has evaporated.

Since the unfortunate incident, there is nothing he can do but avoid Katie and Cadman at all costs. Nothing left to distract him from his heartache… Rodney stares up at the ceiling and sighs. He imagines he is back under the stars in the Milky Way. Only this time John hasn't left the apartment, he is up on the roof with Rodney. They are watching the night sky together.

Fuck. Rodney turns the music off. It never happened that way; he is just torturing himself. He gets out of bed and pulls on some clothes. Maybe some food will help him get sleepy.

He sneaks into the kitchen for a late night snack and is startled by John's voice in the darkness, "Rodney."

"Whoa, uh." Rodney jumps and turns around, "Don't do that to me."

"What are you doing here?" John sounds playful, "Looking for a midnight sandwich, perhaps?"

Guilty, Rodney tries to shake off the thoughts that were just running through his head… Being in love with John… Jacking off at night while thinking about John…

"I wasn't looking for anything." Rodney sputters, "Just taking a… walk."

John walks closer, "You really suck at lying, Rodney."

"Yeah. Whatever." Rodney snaps his fingers to distract himself, "I think I know where they're keeping the good stuff." He leans down and reaches to the back of a cabinet.

As he pulls out a package of beef franks and hotdog buns, John smiles at Rodney in appreciation, saying, "Oh, yeah."

Rodney smiles trying to hide the sadness in his eyes, trying to be casual and somewhat aloof like John. But he has to glance away; he does kinda suck at lying, and he doesn't want John to see how much his heart is really breaking over him.

**.**

**.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 2 throughout episode 3 "Runner", during/after episode 4 "Runner", & after episode 5 "Condemned"


	13. What's the matter? Don't TRUST me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney is devastated when he loses John's trust; it feels like the last vestige of their connection has disappeared._  
> .

.

.

 

John pilots the Jumper into the wormhole before they are caught up in the blast. The one Rodney says will take out ¾ of the Dorandan solar system. _Thank God it's uninhabited. ___

Where did it all go so wrong? It started with Rodney picking at Ronon when they were first scouting the place out. No. That's not where it started, Rodney always picks at Ronon. He just hasn't really seemed to warm to him yet. It's hard, missing Ford, but John was sure Rodney would come around eventually.

 

No, it started with Rodney picking at John, acting smug and spouting off technical terms that he didn't think John would understand. Even though Rodney was being bossy and arrogant, ordering John around like his personal bellhop, he didn't mind too much.

 

Watching Rodney get so excited, John couldn't help getting caught up in the thrill. Explaining the find, Rodney had told John that there was no direct link between the weapon and the main power control systems, no tie in between the power generator and the primary capacitor.

 

"Cool." John had grinned happily at the idea of finding a souped-up space gun.

 

Folding his arms, Rodney had gazed at John in condescension. "Which, I'm sure, means nothing to you."

 

"Means they could fire multiple blasts without having to store up more power for the next firing sequence."

 

Rodney had looked perplexed.

 

Sometimes he likes bursting Rodney's bubble, since he is always underestimating John. Rodney seems to think most soldiers have no more than a high school education. John could set him straight and tell him that he has an advanced degree in Aerospace Engineering, but he doesn't like to brag the way Rodney does. Plus, he doesn't like to talk about himself much.

 

Looking sufficiently confused and impressed, Rodney had replied, "Yes. Very good."

 

John had reiterated his original point, "Which leads me back to, 'Cool'"

 

Yeah, it had all been fun and games until the capacitor overloaded and killed an engineer.

 

Then John had been mesmerized by Rodney's overwrought plea… that if they didn't return to uncover the mystery, the man who died in the containment field would have given his life in vain.

 

Rodney had looked up to him with wide blue eyes, "I have never asked this of you before, but I think I've earned it."

 

Locking his eyes beseechingly with John's, he had begged, "Trust me."

 

And Rodney said he had all the equations right, that he could succeed where the Ancients failed. Even though it seemed like a stretch, John believed in him. He had come to trust Rodney more than he realized. He didn't understand it completely, but since Rodney believed in it that much, John had let himself believe too.

 

Elizabeth had been more skeptical about trying to power up the weapons platform again. She told John that Rodney sometimes needed to be protected from himself. But protecting Rodney was something that had become instinctive to John by now.

 

They had gone back to Doranda because Rodney asked John to trust him. John had tried to protect Rodney from himself when it all went wrong, to pull him out of there. But Rodney hadn't listened, not until it was too late. If the Daedalus hadn't shown up when it did, fielding them from the weapon, they never would have made it to the stargate.

 

John is angry now, angrier then he should be. It sure didn't help that Rodney had been trying to instruct him on how to dodge weapons fire. He'd had to scream, literally telling him to shut up, just to get him to… well, shut up.

 

If there's one goddam thing John knows how to do, it's running flight interference. I mean, Jesus, after all-

 

"John?"

 

"Shut up, Rodney."

 

"I was just going to-"

 

"Shut up, Rodney."

 

They travel the rest of the trip in silence.

 

.

.

 

As soon as they are back, Rodney is called into a private briefing with Elizabeth. It gives John the chance he needs to get away. He is so pissed right now; he doesn't want to have to look at Rodney.

 

It's not even that he's so angry with Rodney. John is angry with himself. He thought he could protect him but… but John's feelings for Rodney compromise his judgment. This whole mission was a mistake and John should have been able to see that.

 

Instead, he let personal feelings get in the way. John has to put more distance between himself and McKay if he is going to be an effective commander. He should have learned this lesson by now.

 

After everything that happened with Holland… He needs to protect himself. He hadn't realized how absolute his trust in McKay was until it was so shaken. He has let himself become far too vulnerable to Rodney, to the way he makes him feel. And John can’t do his job if he lets his feeling get in the way.

 

As John makes his way around Atlantis, several people inform him that Rodney is looking for him. He decides to hide out in his room for a while and lay low, but just as he is about to step into the transporter, he hears Rodney's voice calling out from behind.

 

"Oh, Colonel."

 

John keeps walking to the transporter.

 

"Colonel."

 

He continues without turning around, hoping Rodney will get the hint. He doesn't.

 

"I've been looking all over for you." Rodney is out of breath.

 

"I heard". John rolls his eyes at the transporter in front of him. Then he turns around to face McKay. Folding his arms over his chest, he gives Rodney an angry glare. _What is it now McKay?_

 

Rodney lowers his head sadly and looks at the ground, "I suppose I deserve that."

 

Okay, he's going with the pity card. John isn't going to fall for the poor sensitive Rodney act.

 

"Look, I just, ah…" Rodney continues, "I wanted to apologize about what happened. I was wrong. I'm sorry… And, and I wanted to assure you that I intend on being right again. About everything, effective immediately."

 

John's expression falls to one of bemusement, despite himself. He quickly corrects it to a more stern and angry face.

 

Rodney shrugs and smiles weakly.

 

Nope, not falling for the 'I'm so quirky and funny even when I don't mean to be' routine either.

 

"That was a joke." Rodney offers.

 

 _Yeah, got that Rodney._ John lifts his brows unsympathetically, "Good one."

 

To indicate the conversation is over, he turns around and heads into the transporter.

 

But Rodney runs to the open door before John can escape, "I've already apologized to Elizabeth. And Radek and… And I thanked Colonel Caldwell for caring enough to spy on the experiment from orbit. Sent him a nice little email, actually."

 

John keeps an expression of mild distain.

 

"But I saved you till last 'cause…" Rodney looks sincerely at him, "Honestly, I would… hate to think that recent events might have permanently… dimmed your faith in my abilities.

 

Rodney's countenance falls as he adds, "Or your trust… At the very least, I hope I can –I can, earn that back.

 

"That may take a while." John gives him a stony stare.

 

"I see." Rodney whispers in a choked voice. He looks completely broken and dejected.

 

 _Oh dear God, Rodney looks like he is about to cry._ John feels a pang of guilt. He has never offered Rodney such a sincere or heartfelt apology -even when Rodney has deserved one. And Rodney has always forgiven him.

 

John just needs some… distance and perspective. He can't be around Rodney right now. He tries to offer Rodney as much as he can muster.

 

"But…" John forces himself to smile, "I'm sure you can do it if you really, really try."

 

.  
.  
_____________________________________  
.  
.

 

The transporter doors close and Rodney is devastated. He takes a small breath and stares at the ground.

 

He nods to himself, of course John doesn't trust him anymore, not even as a scientist. Rodney feels like he has lost the last shred of connection that he and John had…not lovers or friends… now barely colleagues.

 

Rodney knows he is to blame. He’d been so convinced that his calculations would work that he’d convinced John as well. And he hadn't taken no for an answer, practically demanding that John trust him implicitly.

 

Now, of course, whatever trust John did have is gone. Rodney wonders how he can really, really try. What would it take for John to forgive him?

 

.

.

 

As time goes by, Rodney looks for opportunities to prove himself, but nothing arises. John is always with Ronon these days. The two of them go for runs, doing laps around the city. They laugh and joke around on their way out of the gym making references to movies that John has obviously introduced him to.

 

All Rodney can do is watch John from a distance.

 

.

.

 

John said if he really, really tried... Or as least implied that there was a chance he might trust Rodney again. Rodney the scientist, not Rodney the friend. But John didn't ever really see him as a friend did he? Rodney doesn't know how he can stop caring so much, desperately wanting John to like him again -or at least not hate him.

 

He had tried to help track the Wraith girl on that planet, but John hardly has a word to say to him these days, even on missions. John couldn't stop praising Ronon's amazing tracking abilities. When Rodney had questioned him about it, John got so annoyed he smacked Rodney across the back of the head. After that, Rodney had just trudged at the back of the group, feeling the sting of rejection. Okay sure, the caveman is good at at tracking, but Rodney has… other talents.

 

He's pretty sure John doesn't even want him on the team anymore. Rodney imagines he’s probably already talked to Elizabeth about it... or maybe Elizabeth told John he had to keep Rodney on the team? Maybe that's why he looks right past Rodney now like he's not even there. But it's even worse when John does look at him. God. When he'd had asked to join Ronon and Teyla, to hunt down the other Wraith loose in the woods, the look he'd given Rodney had made the blood drain from his face.

 

"Hunting Wraith?" John had narrowed his eyes in a stony gaze, reminding Rodney of how useless he was in most of these situations. Once upon a time, John had taken an interest in trying to train him, but now he has Ronon. So Rodney just stayed behind in the cave waiting and watching Carson do his medical research. He’d started wondering if he really was good enough to be on the team, if maybe he should ask Elizabeth if he could just stick to lab duties.

 

And then it turned out that the bite from the Wraith girl had infected John, transforming his DNA into some kind of Iratis bug hybrid. Rodney had tried, he really really had. But once again it was the caveman's tracking skills that led them to the cave with an Iratus nest. 

 

He'd wanted to be a hero, to rush in and save the day somehow by getting the eggs for the stem cells Carson needed for a cure. But Rodney wasn't good enough, he was too much of coward. Major Lorne had ordered them all back, saying it was impossible; but Rodney had looked back one last time at the cave full of deadly creatures thinking that this might not only be his last chance to win back John's trust, it might mean John was never coming back at all.

 

He had cried that night, thinking back to some of the memories of John that he cherished. Wishing there was something, anything he could do for a second chance. The thought of losing John, no matter how much he hated Rodney was unbearable. Rodney felt completely broken inside. But he should have known that John wouldn't be ended so easily, there is something as indestructible about the man as there is impenetrable. In the end John himself had gone into the cave to collect the eggs, barely lucid, face half scaly and blue.

 

For a time it seemed he wouldn't be coming back out, since the inhibitor Carson gave him had worn off; Rodney is ashamed that in that moment he lost all hope even when Ronon was ready to go charging in after him. And then John came running from the entrance, screaming like a maniac. He had the container in his hand. Ronon shot John with his stunner before he could get away, then picked John up off the ground easily carrying him back to the Jumper. Rodney wished he could be that brave and strong.

 

That night Rodney had stayed up all night in the infirmary with Ronon and Teyla taking shifts with food runs and bathroom breaks. He felt like an interloper, someone John wouldn't really want there, someone who wasn't really part of the team. They hadn't known if the treatment would really work but he _had_ to be there when John woke up. Even if John didn't know him anymore, or worse if he knew Rodney but still didn't want to talk to him.

 

Finally when John woke up cured, all Rodney could think was that the person he loved more than anyone in the world was still alive. It didn't matter that he wasn't a part of John's world anymore because the person his heart belonged to still existed.

 

Rodney really, really tried over the next few weeks, bringing John his favorite sandwiches just the way he liked them. He kept a constant vigil, even if it was from the sidelines. Mostly John would talk with Ronon or Teyla and say little when Rodney tried to join in the conversation. His heart hurt watching from a distance, but at least his heart still existed; it hadn't died with John, so he didn’t give up. He brought movies and games, dropped off anything he heard John mention he might want and probably lots of other things he probably didn't. At least John ate the sandwiches.

 

And then they found the Aurora, the ship full of Ancients in stasis. By then Rodney had managed to steel himself a bit more to John's constant rejection. He hadn't stopped trying, or at least looking for an opportunity to try to win back John's trust, but he forced himself to stop acting like a lost puppy. It hurt too much to be vulnerable and snapping at John here and there took some of the sting away.

 

Rodney had wanted to go into one of the pods in order to communicate with a living Ancient. Given the cortical signals, he was pretty sure they were in some kind of interconnected virtual interface.

 

"Any way to figure out what they're saying?" John had asked.

 

"Yes, of course", Rodney turned and gave a withering look, holding up his tablet screen and gesturing at it, "It says right here. 'Why is the smart one having to stop and answer so many questions?'"

 

He knew it got under John's skin when he played up the 'I'm a genius and John's an idiot' routine. Sniping at John had the positive side effect of taking the edge off his heartbreak.

 

Despite how obvious it was that Rodney understood the machines and John didn't, John still acted like he doubted Rodney's abilities, as if he couldn't possibly get anything right.

 

"You sure this is such a good idea?" John acted skeptical.

 

"What's the matter Colonel? Don't TRUST me?" Rodney felt bitter enough to let it come through in his voice.

 

John paused and looked at him blankly, answering with a soul crushing, "No."

 

"Fine." Rodney winced and looked back at John defiantly. He said Rodney could win his trust back if he really, really, tried. But John won't even give him a chance.

 

When Teyla also started expressing her misgivings about Rodney's competence, he rolled his eyes, asking her if he would be volunteering to go if wasn’t safe.

 

Ronon gave him a dark look that told him exactly how little he thought of Rodney as he stepped forward, "No."

 

Somehow, by this twisted logic that Rodney McKay could only be trusted to look out for himself, John concluded "Which is exactly what makes it safe enough for me to go."

 

"What?" Rodney suddenly felt much more afraid about the idea of John going in; _he_ was willing to take the risk but he couldn't take it something went wrong while John was in one of those pods.

 

"Better to have you on the outside in case something goes wrong." It was the first thing John said since Doranda that even remotely sounded like he thought Rodney could be trusted with something, his heart skipped with a surge of happiness.

 

He couldn’t blow his first chance. What if something went wrong? Insisting that nothing could go wrong, he continued to make the case that he should be the one to go inside. _He needed to be the one to test the pod, not John._

 

"But if it does." John used his condescending tone.

 

And then Rodney’s heart dropped again, realizing how little faith anyone had in him. He tried to argue with them, wondering how many times he would have to say it before they believed it was safe enough for him to go in.

 

Teyla offered a thought for Rodney to consider in an overly diplomatic tone, "Between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?"

 

Realizing she was trying to appeal to his vanity, Rodney was hurt. They all really thought he only cared about himself. So he decided to play the part and give up the futile argument. At least it would give him another chance to insult John by insinuating that he was more replaceable.

 

He replied to Teyla as if it had just dawned on him how little John mattered. "Well, I never thought of it that way…" Then he turned to give John a demeaning look to drive the point home.

 

To hide any of his real feelings, he kept a dispassionate face as he explained the workings of the pod; telling John he only needed to concentrate and think about exiting the system to disconnect and, in the very unlikely event that something went wrong, Rodney should be able to disconnect him manually.

 

"Without any permanent brain damage.” he added, once John had reclined into the chamber.

 

John turned his head sharply as if he was suddenly regretting his choice, "Rodney?"

 

Reminding John of what a great opportunity it was to be able to communicate with living Ancients, he continued readying the chamber, "Now when I close the lid, the pod systems should activate. Ready?"

 

"I was." John looked worried.

 

Rodney unsympathetically activated the pod, "Good."

 

And then everything went horribly wrong.

 

Caldwell radioed them saying that 2 Wraith ships were approaching their position. He ordered Rodney to manually disconnect John if he wasn't out in time since they couldn’t risk the Wraith finding out that Atlantis survived. 

 

As if that wasn’t enough, shortly after that Teyla and Ronon radioed him from a room they were exploring to say they they'd discovered a Wraith inside one of the pods.

 

.

.

 

This is how Rodney finds himself where he is now, having a full blown panic attack on the Aurora ship.

 

He is alone in a huge dark room full of creepy stasis chambers... filled with bodies that have slowly aged over thousands of years. He's basically in room full of dead people and… And something bad is going to happen to John. And it's all his fault. Shit. John is in there with a Wraith.

 

Rodney leans over John's chamber, "Please come out now! Oh God, Oh God. Come on. You did it before, you were in for, like 15 minutes, and then you came out. You can do it again. Just please, please come back, John."

 

Caldwell gets impatient and beams the 3 of them back to the Daedalus for an update. Rodney attempts to explain why it could be damaging to Sheppard if they use a manual override. John can still disconnect anytime he chooses and he obviously went back in the second time to try to get more information about a secret communiqué the Ancients have on a Wraith weakness.

 

Ronon frowns, "Knowing Sheppard, he wouldn't leave without getting the information from the communiqué."

 

 _'Yes, yes, and you know Sheppard so well now, being here all of 5 months.'_ Rodney bristles internally.

 

Fortunately, the magnetic shielding on the pods has prevented Caldwell from beaming John back directly, but Rodney is given a brief deadline to manually retrieve him when he is returned to the Aurora.

 

His anxiety ratchets up when he gets back to John's pod. Oh God, he is reading Delta waves. That means John is unconscious. And Rodney is seeing significant manipulation of the feedback loop. He is sure disconnecting John manually would be a terrible mistake not just because it could turn him into a vegetable, but it looks like the Wraith booby-trapped the system.

 

He argues with Caldwell's orders over the com, yelling, "We're talking about Sheppard's life here!"

 

In a louder voice, Caldwell barks, "And I'm talking about the lives of not only every person on this ship, but every person in Atlantis, when the Wraith find out it wasn't destroyed. I'm well aware of what's at stake here, Doctor. Get him out of that pod. Or my men will. Caldwell out."

 

He has no choice, he's going in after John. 

 

He tells Teyla and Ronon, “Look, stall Caldwell, buy me some time, just a few minutes, at the most."

 

"What if you are unable to disconnect?" Teyla asks.

 

While Rodney readies a pod, Ronon reminds him, "Caldwell's gonna blow that ship whether you're in there or not."

 

"See," Rodney explains to Ronon, since the guy hasn't been around that long, "the thing is, Colonel Sheppard and I have sort of gotten into this habit of saving each other’s lives, and it's my turn." he scoots into the horizontal chamber trying to keep a lid on his claustrophobia.  _Just think about bright blue skies... bright blue skies..._

 

.  
.  
_____________________________________  
.  
.

 

John wakes to the sound of Rodney's voice.

 

"Where are you taking me? I told you I am with Colonel Sheppard. I am a member of his team," Rodney's voice gets closer, "Someone must have shot him from behind while he was trying to get through to the Captain. Colonel John Sheppard, he's about- he's about so high, uh, uh, brown hair "

 

Lifting himself off the floor, John sees two guards bring Rodney into the room.

 

The physical description continues, "A bit mussed, the term is 'rakish'?"

 

John smiles in amusement. _Rakish, huh?_

 

Rodney finally sees him and John gives him a frustrated look. "McKay."

 

"What are you doing in there?" Rodney looks confused seeing John behind bars.

 

The door to the cell opens and a guard gives Rodney a shove in.

 

John looks at him wryly, "I was about to ask you the same thing."

 

"Wha- I came to help you." Rodney sputters.

 

"I feel better already." John says sarcastically.

 

"Right." Rodney looks glum, he eyes the holding cell and looks at John with concern, "Have you been unable to disconnect yourself from the system?"

 

"No," John explains, "I'm still trying to get the information on that communiqué."

 

"Oh good." Rodney sighs with relief.

 

John moves to sit down on the Spartan bench and Rodney joins him saying, "We thought maybe it was preventing you from exiting the program."

 

"It?" John asks.

 

"We found a Wraith in one of the stasis pods. It's manipulating the neural feedback program, your EEG patterns were irregular-"

 

"No kidding, I got stunned."

 

"I didn't want to risk pulling you out until I knew more." Rodney sounds protective.

 

John tells Rodney it might be the first officer, she’s been trying to keep him from accessing the Captain and getting communiqué. 

 

"We don't need the Captain." Rodney is dismissive, "I've been able to decipher enough of the program to overwrite the protocols. All I have to do is get to a terminal within the virtual environment, and I should be able to access any file stored within the database."

 

Right. John looks around the cell, "Then we just need to break out of here."

 

"Hold that thought." Rodney folds his arms over his chest in a way that reminds John of that TV show, 'I Dream of Jeannie.' and disappears.

 

John doesn't know why he finds Rodney's dorkiness so adorable at times. He smiles again thinking about how Rodney thinks he is rakish. That's probably the closest thing he's ever gotten to compliment from McKay. Lately Rodney has taken his pastime of insulting John's intellect to an all-time high. Still, he thinks John's rakish, that's something.

 

The energy in the cell begins to fluctuate, the shield goes down and the cell door opens.  _Way to go McKay._

 

Two guards walk in to see what has happened but then they suddenly crumple to the floor unconscious.

 

_Good one, Rodney_

 

When Rodney reappears next to him, John feels a rush of affection but is careful not to let it show. It's dangerous letting himself get too close to McKay, he has to keep an emotional distance.

 

John simply says, "Hi."

 

"Hi." Rodney answers awkwardly, maybe even looking a bit disappointed.

 

John senses that Rodney was expecting something more so he nods in appreciation, "Nice."

 

They take the stunners from the unconscious guards and follow Rodney's schematics to find a terminal.

 

Ducking around a corner to avoid detection, John taps Rodney's shoulder with the back of his hand "That's her."

 

"That's the Wraith?" Rodney whispers and points towards the blonde in the hall.

 

"Yeah." John whispers back.

 

"Wow…" Rodney's eyes get big, "She's hot."

 

_She is a babe, he will give Rodney that._

 

"I mean, seriously hot." Rodney gapes.

 

"Rodney you're drooling over a Wraith." John reminds him.

 

"I know," Rodney pulls his head back and looks contrite, "I disgust myself sometimes."

 

They step up the pace, dodging and darting their way around corridors. Rodney finds a control interface and John stands watch while he accesses the data.

 

"The communiqué has been erased." Rodney blurts out.

 

"Why would the Wraith do that?" John asks.

 

"Well," Rodney sighs dramatically, "it says right here, 'I, the Wraith, delete this important information to keep you from seeing it'."

 

_God, he hates it when Rodney does this little routine of 'I'm so much smarter than you that I can barely tolerate to answer your stupid questions' ._

 

His tone dripping with sarcasm John, explains that he is not an idiot, "Obviously he did it to keep us from seeing it, but why didn't it end the damn program? What's the point of continuing?"

 

"Oh, no." Rodney's voice is low.

 

"What?"

 

Rodney turns around, "You said they were trying to modify the hyperdrive?"

 

"So they can get back to Atlantis faster." John answers.

 

"Well, according to the Atlantis database, there are 2 different types of Ancient hyperdrives; there's the more basic interstellar kind, like the one the Aurora has, and then there's the powerful, intergalactic kind, similar to the one the Asgard provided us for the Daedalus."

 

"Why would the Wraith want to soup up the hyperdrive?" John whispers.

 

"Because the Wraith hyperdrives are nowhere near as advanced as the Ancient hyperdrives. All the technology the Captain is feeding her right now-"

 

"She'll learn how to modify the Wraith hyperdrives from interstellar to intergalactic." John finishes the thought.

 

"Which means they'll make it as far as Earth." Rodney says with alarm.

 

"That's what this whole thing is about," John realizes, "their new feeding ground. And this is just step one."

 

"Even if she doesn't have all the information she needs, we need to stop her from sending what she's learned so far to the Wraith ships that are on the way."

 

John steps towards Rodney, narrowing his eyes at this new information, "There are Wraith ships on the way?"

 

"I'm" Rodney gulps and looks away nervously, "–I'm sure I mentioned that."

 

"No, you didn't." John walks closer, giving Rodney a stern look.

 

"Well, it… It –It –It threw me when she was so hot."

 

"How many ships?" John whispers angrily.

 

Rodney takes a breath and speaks tightly, "2 cruisers."

 

Thinking, John looks down at the floor, "Can you disconnect her?"

 

"Him." Rodney corrects, "Not, from the inside, no… I should be able to disable the pod interface from the outside."

 

"Well," John asks looking at McKay like  _he's_ the idiot, "why didn't you?"

 

"Because I didn't know what that would do to you." Rodney sounds hurt.

 

John makes a face, "Well, that's very thoughtful of you, but now she knows all about Atlantis."

 

Rodney looks at John in shock, "You told her?" The expression on his face changes and Rodney folds his arms over his chest, asking accusingly, "Why?"

 

Now it is John's turn to be flustered. He is sure his face looks guilty, he tries to exonerate himself from the fact that he was distracted by her looks as well, "Because I was trying to convince them that… Just go and unplug the Wraith while I talk to the Captain."

 

"The communiqué is blank." Rodney argues.

 

"Yeah, but he might still have some intel on the Wraith weakness." 

 

John raises his voice emphatically, "Now, Rodney, is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

 

Rodney looks uncomfortable, "Only that Caldwell is probably going to destroy this ship at any moment."

 

He stares Rodney down and then spits out a simple order, "Go!"

 

"Going" Rodney obeys.

 

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Rodney emerges from the Wraith pod to find Teyla and Ronan gone. He sighs, "Oh I can't believe it. Two minutes in the pod, I'm abandoned."

 

He groans and tries to talk himself through the risky process of disconnecting the Wraith in the other room. 

 

Once he plugs into the Wraith system and finds it harder to disengage than he thought.

 

"Come on." He keeps talking himself through it speaking out loud in frustration, "Disable.".  _Okay there it goes._

 

"Ha." Rodney proclaims in triumph.

 

The pod containing the Wraith opens and Rodney stares at the new terror facing him, "Oh, no."

 

The thing isn't moving, maybe he’ll get lucky. He pulls out his gun and cocks it, taking a few steps toward the Wraith. It still isn't moving. Rodney points the gun at its head, but it suddenly roars to life.

 

As he runs away he shoots the gun behind him without looking.  _Definitely not the way John taught him to do it._  

 

Rodney turns a corner, aiming this time as he fires. Then he races out of the room, running back towards John's pod.

 

John hasn't disengaged yet. He needs to hurry. "Come on, come on." He changes the clip in his gun and checks John's EEG readings.

 

Finally, John exits his pod. "It's about damn time. What did you do, play a round of golf? We've got serious problems."

 

"What happened?" John asks. Then it looks like he sees something behind Rodney, he shouts, "Get down!"

 

Rodney ducks and John fires his clip into the Wraith.

 

" _That_ happened." Rodney exclaims. He aims his own gun at the injured creature, "Not so hot now."

 

"Our ships are coming." The Wraith growls, "They will retrieve what I have learned. Earth will soon be ours."

 

"Not if I can help it." John fires another couple shots into the Wraith, killing it completely.

 

Although, the Aurora Captain never saw the contents of the communiqué, he gave John his assurance that he would activate the self-destruct code once the Wraith cruisers got close enough to be taken out with the blast. As the Daedalus slips out of range, Rodney and John watch the explosion unfold in the distance.

 

.

.

 

After they return to Atlantis, Rodney finds himself back where he started. He had really tried; really, really tried.

 

He'd been hoping this his efforts aboard the Aurora would come to something. He'd imagined himself rescuing John in a more dramatic fashion. At least he'd hoped that the fact that he'd risked his life to save John’s would be taken as mildly heroic, something that would have proven his worth again.

 

But it hasn't really worked out that way.

 

He has tried so hard over the last months to make it up to John over the Doranda incident. Nothing has made a difference. Rodney wants to give up this desperate need for approval that he has, this desperate need to have John like him again. Only he can't.

 

Staring up at the night sky from his position on the West pier, Rodney listens to his sad song, 'Under the Milky Way Tonight'. He wishes he could stop feeling so much but he is completely at John's mercy. Hopelessly in love with him.

 

Things have only gotten worse since that trip to Earth. Rodney can't even imagine that John has a loveless fascination with him anymore. There is no kind of fascination at all. John simply tolerates him.

 

Rodney wishes he was something more. Something more interesting, more courageous, like Ronon. Anything. But he is just Rodney. And no one really likes Rodney. He should be used to it by now.

 

.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter begins at the end of Season 2 episode 6 "Trinity"; it continues throughout episode 7 "Instinct", episode 8 "Conversion, & during/after episode 9 "Aurora"  
> .


	14. McKay makes John gives him what he wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Under the influence of an alien drug, Rodney turns the tables on John._  
> .

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On their next off world outing, Rodney is in a sour mood. He doesn’t know why John even bothered to include him on this low priority mission. Frankly it is beneath his talents, running around on a wild goose chase, looking for an unlikely ZPM.

 

Complaining, he tells the team, “Every second I am out of my lab is a second the galaxy goes without another ground-breaking…”

 

Something cold and hard hits his body with force and Rodney falls forward into darkness.

 

When he wakes, he is tied to a chair. A sack blindfold is pulled away from his face and Rodney sees that he and the rest of the team are tied to chairs at some kind of macabre dinner table.

 

They don’t recognize the men or understand why they have been taken at first, but then they see familiar face. Ford.

 

Ford tries to put them at ease, telling them they are among friends and to eat the food.

 

Rodney digs in eagerly and speaks with a mouthful, “Maybe you should start with how you managed to escape being culled by the Wraith Dart, hmm?”

 

John glowers at Rodney.

 

“What?” Rodney keeps chewing, “I get nervous, I get hungry.”

 

They listen to Ford’s story of how he escaped from the Wraith after he was taken in the beam. Still chewing, Rodney reflects, “It’s the enzyme, it makes you immune to the Wraith stunner. When you re-materialize, you’re awake as opposed to-“

 

“As opposed to dead.” Ford finishes the thought. He explains how he recruited other men to take the enzyme as well. Together they have been killing Wraith and harvesting it from them.

 

Ford is emphatic, “I mean look at me. Look at me! …I walked off a Wraith cruiser. It works!”

 

Ronan has joined in eating, “Wait a second, All your people here, they’re on the enzyme?”

 

“Of course.” Ford is proud. He goes on to detail the growing scope of their operation, how they even have Wraith captives on their base, to feed their supply.

 

“Why’d you jump us?” John asks.

 

“Yeah.” Ford paces, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that, but it was the only way to get you here.”

 

“Why didn’t you just tell us where you were?” John frowns, “You know we would have come.”

 

“Yeah, you and a special ops team.” Ford licks his lips.

 

“No, no” John tries to deny it.

 

“I know you think I’m crazy.” Ford is dead serious, “I brought you all here to show you that you’re wrong. I mean, do I look crazy? Do I seem out of control?”

 

Rodney mulls over the recent kidnapping and the last time Ford said he was going to kill him, “We speaking in relative terms, or, um…”

 

Everyone eats in silence for a while as Ford tells them how they have refined the drug, learned how to regulate and administer it a variety of ways.

 

“We’ve gotten so good, we can even lace food with it.” He adds.

 

Immediately, they all stop eating.

 

“Excuse me?” Rodney mumbles through a mouthful of food.

 

“Congratulations,” Ford looks at him, “you just had your first dose.”

 

“What?” Rodney chokes on the food his mouth and violently spits it out onto the table.

 

Ford claims that he thought long and hard about how to convince Dr. Weir and the military that the enzyme is safe. He believes that it is the first step to defeating the Wraith.

 

“Are you out of your mind!?” Rodney screams in outrage as he stands up.

 

“Hey, settle down, McKay!” Ford shouts.

 

“No, I will not settle down!” Rodney slams his palm onto the table, “I’ve been drugged against my will you little punk!”

 

“You should not have done this Aiden!” Teyla is furious.

 

Ford laughs and claps his hands, “Hey, be as mad as you want. Couple days? You’ll be thanking me. We’ll have a good laugh about this. Now eat up.”

 

Ronan tries to lunges at Ford again but is pushed back by Ford’s men.

 

“I’m itchy.” Rodney frets, “I’m itchy all over. This is exactly what happened when I toked pot once in college.”

 

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John speaks with Ford privately and tries to talk some sense into him. Ford tells him that John’s food wasn’t laced like the others. He wants John to testify as a witness to Elizabeth that the drug works. In the mean time, Ford tells John the team is free to have their run of the base.

 

When John and the others reach the DHD, they soon discover the reason Ford is unconcerned about having them roam free. The control crystals are missing. There is no way to dial out.

 

They consider their options. John suggests that they play along and wait for Ford to make a mistake. Teyla and Ronan hope the drug will not have much effect since they don’t seem to be feeling it yet and speculate about refusing to eat in the future.

 

“Well this thing is useless.” Rodney shakes his hand at the dialing device, “And I ate my face off, and I can tell you I can feel it working.”

 

“There’s a good possibility that everything you’re feeling right now might be psychosomatic.” John says trying to calm him.

 

“Oh, is that right, Professor Science?” Rodney snipes, “Is that your expert opinion?”

 

“Yes it is.” John answers.

 

But Rodney keeps going, he always seems to have to have the last word, “Well, I can tell you, when they up the dosage, the side effects will be VERY real, and VERY unpredictable.”

 

By the time they return to the dining area, Rodney is pacing around recounting the list of his perceived symptoms, “Seriously... I’m getting, ah, chills and hot flashes, chills and hot flashes, again and again… none of you are feeling that?

 

“The enzyme’s side effects are going to be the least of his concerns if he keeps this up.” Ronan growls to John.

 

“I know, just be patient.” John mediates.

 

“Historically, that hasn’t been a strength for me.” Ronan tells him.

 

“I know.” John keeps his voice steady, realizing that everyone on his team seems different, more edgy or intense than their usual selves.

 

Ford strides into the room and announces that he will be talking Sheppard and Teyla with him on an off world mission -to show them the ropes.

 

“What about us?” Rodney asks.

 

“Jace,” Ford gestures to a slight man, “will give you the grand tour, show you what we’ve done with place. How does that sound?”

 

“Oh, it sounds delightful.” Rodney sounds bitter.

 

“Okay, good, then if Sheppard tries anything off world, you’ll be nice and close for me to kill you both.”

 

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Rodney realizes he has just had his life threatened, but he feels odd… hot and excited, not scared the way he normally would be. Yeah, fuck off Sheppard. This is SO not psychosomatic.

 

He is given a tour of their hodge-podge lab. But Rodney is restless and having trouble listening. He snaps his focus back when Jace starts talking about deciphering the Wraith language.

 

Interesting. They have deduced that the Wraith are working on a way to limit inter-ship communication. Ford and his guys have been able to gather enough intel to predict the course of a nearby Hive ship and where it will stop to feed over the next week or so.

 

Then, they take Rodney for another dose, this time shooting it in directly in his arm. This is so wrong, Rodney has to look away. It hits him in a rush, he feels flushed and excited… And good, impossibly good.

 

When John and Teyla get back, Ford outlines the details of the plan to take out the Hive ship. He smiles, asking John what he thinks.

 

After a long pause, John simply says, “Wow.”

 

“Wow?” Ford asks softly.

 

“You heard me.” John stays ambiguous.

 

With the heat in his chest rising, Rodney is unable to contain his opinion and he blurts out, “Let me see if I can couch what Colonel Sheppard means by, ‘Wow’, in more explicit terms. That is a terrible plan-“

 

“Rodney.” Teyla breaks in.

 

“Made all the more frightening by the fact that you think it’s a good plan.” Rodney finishes.

 

Ford takes them all on a walk through the fields to show them a Wraith Dart that has been hidden at the edge of the tree-line. He says that it needs some repairs and a real pilot.

 

“This is why you brought us here.” John says with realization.

 

“It’s the reason I waited till now, yes.” Ford admits.

 

One of Ford’s men hits Rodney on the shoulder, “Assuming this guy can get it working again.”

 

“He can.” Ford says confidently, “These people are the best at what they do.”

 

The guy standing next to Rodney explains that all John has to do is take them in and drop them off in the Hive ship. Once they’ve laid the charges, John can just scoop them back up in the pattern buffer

 

Rodney objects, telling them that the plan is far from perfect.

 

He is surprised to hear John answer, “But, it IS possible.”

 

“Are you honestly considering this?” Rodney sputters.

 

“It’s on it’s way to a culling, Rodney.” John says casually.

 

“Yeah, and I am sorry about that, but this is insane.” Rodney feels so hyped up; he has to focus just him himself standing still.

 

“Maybe not.” John tilts his head.

 

John has gone insane.

 

When Ford asks Rodney if he can fix it, he tells him, “Probably not.”

 

“That usually means, yes.” John betrays him by telling the truth.

 

Fuck you, John. Rodney stares at him incredulously, “Aren’t you the one NOT taking the enzyme? You’re supposed to be the clear voice of reason here.”

 

“Look, can you fix it?” Ford sounds annoyed.

 

Rodney is irate, “Even if I could, I wouldn’t.” He lifts a finger at them, “I’m sorry, drug me all you want, I’m not doing this.”

 

He turns and walks away from them with his heart pounding. So this is what it feels like to be high. It feels amazing… but Rodney hates feeling so out of control.

 

They stuck that needle in his fucking arm! Rodney walks for a while in the tall grasses, feeling the pleasantness of the fronds brush across his legs. He feels like he could run a marathon right now.

 

“Rodney.” He hears the sound of John’s voice behind him.

 

Walking angrily forward, Rodney doesn’t turning around to reply, “Look, maybe you are on the enzyme, maybe Ford lied, because no rational person would think that was a good plan.”

 

As Rodney is walking so quickly, John struggles to keep up with him.

 

Jogging close enough to talk, John continues, “Look a million things can go wrong, I know that, but just…” He gets impatient and yells, “Just, stop! Shut up and listen.”

 

Fine. He stops and faces John to hear him out.

 

“You fix that Dart, we all get out of here. I know it’s risky, but Ford’s not thinking straight, so…”

 

“What are you talking about?” Rodney glares at John, his face flushed from the rush of the drug.

 

“I’ll insist you’re all on the away team.” John furrows his brows, “I’ll scoop you up, and instead of flying out to the Hive ship, we fly out to Atlantis.

 

“How?” Rodney folds his arms defiantly. John looks so sexy when he’s trying to be the sincere team leader. Rodney just wants to-

 

“That Dart’s gotta have it’s own DHD, right?”

 

Rodney tries to focus on what John is saying. Yes… he’s right. “Of course.” Rodney answers.

 

“Well,” John keeps the small furrow in his brow, but his voice is excited, “you get that thing fight-worthy, we all go home.”

 

Relaxing his arms, Rodney feels stupid. Why didn’t he think of that? Probably because he is high out of his mind. “Right, of course.” Rodney gestures, “See, now, you see, I would have thought of that myself before I became a drug addict.”

 

John looks so damn hot right now. God. He is standing so close-

 

“I’m sure you would have.”

 

Conflicted, Rodney tries not to think of John that way. He should be keeping a clear head, not flying off the handle all the time. He buries his face in his hand, “I’m sorry.”

 

He is awash with guilt for a moment but the feeling fades into a pleasant rush of adrenaline. His hand drops away from his face as he turns back to walk in the direction of the base.

 

Then John touches Rodney’s arm, he squeezes it affectionately.

 

It’s been a while since John has done that. Oh God. Rodney is burning up. A warm sensation arcs through his chest and into his groin.

 

Rodney feels his cock begin to harden. John lets go and the two of them continue walking.

 

Ugh, it’s getting too hot. Rodney places his hand on his forehead to see if he is as warm as he feels. He can’t tell. Struggling with his jacket, Rodney stops walking completely. He finally gets it off and throws it to the ground.

 

“Hey buddy, you doing okay?” John walks up to him and puts a hand back on Rodney’s arm.

 

Trembling with desire he stares at John, feeling angry and aroused at the same time, “Oh, am I you’re buddy again, now? Is that what this is?”

 

John looks confused. And Rodney is consumed by the overwhelming desire to knock him back to the ground.

 

The same way John threw Rodney onto that couch and pressed his body up against him.

 

“I, uh-“ John opens his mouth.

 

He does it without thinking, lunging himself at John, kicking the back of his legs out from under him and pinning him the ground. It is surprisingly effortless.

 

“Okay. Easy, budd-… Just easy.” John stares up at Rodney in surprise.

 

Grabbing John’s hand, he pulls them over his head. He can feel John resisting, but Rodney overpowers him easily. Rodney uses his legs to keep John’s lower body in place and lets him chest lie against John’s.

 

Oh. So, this is what it feels like to be strong. It feels good. John looks worried as a smile creeps over Rodney’s face.

 

“Rodney?” John’s voice comes out choked.

 

Now Rodney is lost in the wonderful sensations running through his body. He rubs against John and moans. Just for a minute. He just wants to know what it’s like to take something you want. Just for a minute. Rodney breathes heavily against John neck.

 

John struggles under him but Rodney holds him down. Why is this such a turn-on? Having John under him, powerless… He lifts his head to look at John.

 

“No Rodney, not like this.” John whispers with wide eyes. He is breaking the spell of warm intoxication.

 

“How then?” Rodney hisses angrily, “You just always take what you want and YOU don’t care how anybody feels…”

 

Thinking better of what he is saying, Rodney’s voice gets calm again, “That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just… It’s not fair that you get to do whatever you want… I should be able to do what I want…”

 

“What do you want Rodney?” John’s mouth hangs open.

 

Moaning unrepentantly, Rodney lets himself grind on top of John. He knows John can feel his hard cock rubbing against him. It feels like John is hard too. Staring intently, Rodney lowers his face until it is almost touching John’s.

 

“I want to make you feel-" Rodney stops himself before he finishes his thought, ' _I want to make you feel something for me_ '. He exhales shakily, "to make you feel good.”

 

John has stopped struggling for the moment. He must realize Rodney has the upper hand, as his body stiffens and his voice gets stern, “Rodney, this is not the time.”

 

Why is he resisting this? Rodney knows John is turned on. And Rodney wants him so badly, he is desperate to make John to feel something back for him... anything. He lifts his head back and peers deeply into John’s eyes.

 

The words come out in rush, too fast, “But there’s never a time-you know that. And-and I know-I’m so out of my mind right now-I wouldn’t be doing any of this if I wasn’t on the drug. So-so-so why not now? There can only be now.”

 

He easily holds John’s hands in place with one arm and uses the other to start unbuttoning John's pants. Yes, John is completely hard. But he struggles against him even though Rodney knows he wants it.

 

“You can stop me if it doesn't feel good…", Rodney tells him breathlessly, "Can you tell me that you really don’t want this?”

 

Turning his face toward the ground, John moans. Rodney has almost got his pants down off his hips but John still bucks and struggles.

 

Using his newfound strength, Rodney pushes John back to the ground. Wow, it feels good to be so strong, stronger than John. Rodney would never hurt him, he just wants to make John feel something... to make John want him, the way John has made Rodney want.

 

It isn’t fair. Until this stupid enzyme started fucking with his brain, Rodney had been trying to get over him, maybe even convinced himself that it might be possible. Now his craving for John has taken control and he can't think at all... all he can feel is this maddening desire to force John to feel something for him. NOW. He takes John’s cock out and tightens his hand around it. It’s gloriously hard and so huge.

 

Reluctantly, he lets it go and uses both of his arms again to hold John’s hands above his head. As he keeps John’s body in place with his own weight, he can feel John’s cock pulsing under him. It's not like John hadn't done the same thing to him back in Antartica when he grabbed him into that closet and took what he wanted. But he'd made Rodney admit he wanted it first.

 

Leaning next to John’s ear, he whispers fiercely, “Tell me that you want it.”

 

John turns his head away from Rodney, burying his face against his shoulder. Rodney moves his lips down to the edge of John’s neck where it meets his black T-shirt. He bites down, harder than he means to and John cries out.

 

Suddenly Rodney releases John’s hands, worried he has hurt him.

 

John’s body goes slack but he stays submissively under him.

 

Emboldened, Rodney leans in again to whisper, plaintive this time instead of domineering, “Tell me that you want it.”

 

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Keeping his eyes closed to hide his conflicting emotions, John sighs and mentally gives in to what his body wants; he lets himself say it, “I want it.”

 

He doesn’t know what Rodney plans to do with him but, God help him, he does want it. Why does he want this? He knows it is wrong. Every time he gets too close to McKay, something goes wrong.

 

The image of the last time he and Rodney were together sexually has haunted him for so long now. That horrible scene when he'd come back and seen Rodney crying in the shower afterward… He doesn’t know how he hurt Rodney but he can’t do it again. He’d sworn he would stay away. Only now Rodney is making him feel too much desire… He can’t resist.

 

It’s so wrong letting Rodney do something he will regret later. John is the only one thinking straight, so it is up to him to be clear headed. But it is so hard to think with all the blood rushing to his cock. And Rodney is touching his cock

 

…And he can’t, he just can’t think anymore with his pants down around his ankles and -Oh God.  And, and Rodney’s lips spreading around his cock, sucking him.

 

An incredible warmth ripples throughout John’s body and his back arches. It is too late. He can’t stop himself now.

 

John's never felt anything like this before. He's been jacked off a few times by another guy but it's totally different having a man’s mouth on his cock. 

 

Rodney’s wet mouth on his cock... And he is taking John so deep in his throat.

 

Rodney's hands, such strong hands. Oh God, the things they are doing to him. Rodney is too good at this. The licking, the sucking, the rhythm… everything.

 

John once wondered if Rodney had much experience with men. Now he knows. Rodney seems to sense just how much is needed to take John right to the brink and pull him back again.

 

A thought that someone might find them like this passes through John’s mind, but the thrill of pleasure makes the fear disappear.

 

He can’t believe what Rodney is doing to his body.  _‘Fuck. God, Rodney. What are you doing to me?’_

 

Fuck, it’s so good. John’s hands grasp and release at the tall grass growing up around them, he writhes under Rodney’s ministrations. Helpless to the pleasure.

 

_‘Oh, God. Rodney, I never knew it could feel like this.’_  

 

His body shudders lost in sensation of Rodney's hands roaming up under his shirt, trailing back down his chest and lower again, fondling him... doing things with his hands that no woman has ever done while sucking him. No woman has ever given him a blowjob like this. No blowjob has ever felt this fucking amazing. John hears himself moaning uncontrollably.

 

The pace is more intense now, Rodney is going to take him over the edge, there is no room for guilt anymore, just utter abandon.

 

John screams and chokes out Rodney’s name in a blinding flash of white ecstasy. Rodney is sucking, swallowing every wave of John’s pulsing cock.

 

And it keeps coming; wave, after wave of pleasure. He can feel Rodney’ throat groaning around his cock as he sucks the last of John’s cum, draining him completely.

 

He can’t move, can’t open his eyes. John is radiating, his whole body tingling and limp.

 

It is too much…

 

Everything is so still and quiet.

 

Where is Rodney? He can’t feel him anymore. Dizzy, John opens his eyes and tries to sit up.  

 

He is alone in the clearing.

 

“Rodney?” Oh God. What has he just done? 

 

“McKay?!” 

 

Fuck. Rodney said he'd never be doing this if wasn't for the drug in his system. John should have stopped him, he shouldn't have... he shouldn't have wanted it. What is wrong with him?

 

Now is the time for guilt. This was bad John, very, very, bad. He remembers Rodney chiding him earlier about the unpredictable side effects of the drug.

 

And John had let this happen anyway. He'd let Rodney do something that he wouldn't have wanted to do in his right mind. Something that would hurt him.

 

Shame radiates though him at the thought of hurting Rodney again; the feeling of that knowledge... that he has hurt Rodney... it's so blinding that it almost blots out the shame he feels for giving to the desire to be with another man. _'I'm so sorry, Rodney'_

 

Reaching down to pull up his pants, John swallows his remorse.  _'Focus John.'_  

 

He’s got to pull it together; he’s the goddamn team leader. Brushing off as much of the loose grass off from his clothes as he can, John decides to go talk to Ford about decreasing Rodney’s dosage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 2 episode 10: 'The Lost Boys'


	15. Rodney spills the sordid sexual details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Carson finds out more than he ever wanted to know about what's been happening between John and Rodney._  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

“How’d that go?" Ford greets John back in the bunker.

 

John's face goes flush before he remembers that Ford is talking about the Dart repairs and not what Rodney just did to him in that field; trying to put it out of his mind John negotiates, “Well, he’ll do it, but we need some conditions.”

 

“What?”

 

“Dial back McKay’s enzyme doses.” John tries to keep his tone impassive.

 

“No.” Ford retorts rebelliously.

 

“Look,” John’s voice betrays some strain, “we’re under some time constraints here.”

 

“I’m not saying the enzyme wouldn’t help," He plays diplomatic, "I’m just saying we need him standing still and thinking not running laps because it feels good.”

 

Ford looks like he is considering it, “Ronan and Teyla?”

 

“Stick to the plan.” John assures him.

 

“Fine,” Ford agrees. “What else?”

 

“I’ll fly it, that’s obvious, but I want McKay, Teyla, and Ronan on the strike team.’ John continues.

 

“It’s not a good mission for McKay. It could get rough in there.” Ford looks suspicious.

 

John’s got to keep Rodney with him.

 

“Look,” realizing he sounds too adamant, John tries to bring his tone back to an easy cadence, “If suddenly we need a door open, or a computer hacked, McKay should be there to do it. That’s why he’s on my team in the first place.”

 

Ford seems to give in and gives a handshake on the deal.

 

Letting out a sigh of relief, he goes to find his team. Ronon and Teyla tell him that Rodney has gone to work on the Dart and John decides to wait until Rodney returns to own up to his failings. He doesn't  know what could he could ever say to make this right.

 

But Rodney doesn't come back that evening. John doesn't see him again until it is time his next dose in the morning.  John watches Ford’s men to make sure Rodney they are injecting him with the lower amount, as Ford promised.

 

Rodney flickers to meet his eyes for a moment and John bites his lip, trying to convey to with his eyes how sorry he is. But Rodney ducks back out to work on the ship repairs without saying a word. Okay, Rodney wants some distance, he can understand that. 

 

Over the next few days they see little of each other and don’t speak when they do. No one seems to notice.

 

When Ford tells John that he is needed to test flight controls, Rodney manages to avoid eye contact with him completely as he gets into the craft. Frowning in concentration, Rodney busies himself with the circuitry. 

 

They say few words. John wonders if Rodney hates him now.

 

Later that night, John’s guilt gets the better of him; he seeks Rodney out while he is alone with the Dart. They are losing daylight John knows Rodney has to head back soon and he wants a chance to speak privately. He is so sorry for what happened and has to say something to ask Rodney’s forgiveness.

 

When Rodney sees John approach he looks frightened and cornered.

 

“Rodney.” 

 

“Look Colonel,” Rodney cuts him off, “I am truly sorry for what happened and I promise it will never, EVER happen again. They’ve got me on a lower dose now and I’m feeling much more like myself.”

 

“No,” John jumps in, “Rodney it wasn’t your fault, if anyone should be sorry it’s me, I’m the one who should be thinking straight-.”

 

“So we can put this behind us?” Rodney sounds desperate, “I would just hate to think….”

 

“Yeah, Rodney.” John’s chest feels heavy, “We can do that.”

 

It’s not like they haven’t done that before, and that’s all he really wanted, wasn’t it? For Rodney to absolve him from his guilt?

 

“Right.” Rodney winces a smile, “So another one for the ‘don’t talk about’ file.”

 

“Sure.” John sighs and offers a meager smile himself.

 

Rodney looks sickened, as if he can’t bear to face John anymore. He turns back to the ship, “So, I’m almost done here, if you want to let me…” Rodney waves his hand in that dismissive way he often does, but something about the gesture fills John with unbearable sadness.

 

Feeling worse, John retreats towards the bunker and tries to push away this horrible feeling. He hates this. He hates failing people he cares about. And he has done nothing but fail Rodney. Just like he has failed Ford everyone else that ever mattered. And Rodney matters so much to him. Too much.

 

Wretched with guilt, John tries to set things right with Ford instead. Hoping to appeal to his sentiment, John tells Ford about how he visited his family on Earth while he was there.

 

“They miss you. A lot. This whole MIA thing is killing them.”

 

“They’re strong. They can wait.” Ford tells John that he wants to go home but is resolute that his master plan is more important.

 

.  
.

 

Feeling very alone, John tries to talk to Teyla and Ronan about Ford, “Well, part of me thinks he brought us here because he knew we’d bring him back. I think subconsciously he knows what our plan is, and he’s fine with it.”

 

They don’t seem to be listening and break out into a fistfight with each other over some food.

 

John intercedes “Stop guys- Stop!” but Ronan attacks him instead and throws him to the ground.

 

“What the hell has gotten into you two?" John pulls himself up, "Oh, right. Never mind.”

 

John wishes he had someone to talk this out with, but he is the only one left that is thinking clearly. This fact is made more apparent by the fact that Ronan and Teyla seem to have changed their minds about the enzyme and think Atlantis should consider it.

 

Rodney comes in to tell them that the Dart is ready. He flits his eyes about the room, not settling his gaze on any of them. John doesn’t see Rodney again until the test flight the following morning.

 

While John is in the cockpit, Rodney leans over him to supervise John on the controls. He relays a lot of information but it is so indirect, without any eye contact.

 

He watches Rodney’s face while he talks but Rodney keeps his head facing forward, talking to the controls.

 

John turns back to the screen to understand Rodney’s instructions, then he feels Rodney looking at him.

 

The hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He still has a mark on his shoulder from where Rodney bit him.

 

Ford approaches them, pleased that the Dart is ready.

 

Climbing down the latter, Rodney lowers himself. His head is eye level now with John’s.

 

And finally, he looks at John directly. His eyes are worried and resentful as if he is telling John, _‘This really, really sucks.’_

 

Rodney doesn’t actually say it, but it feels like he did. John gazes back at him, trying to say how sorry he is with his eyes.

 

As Rodney walks away Ford remarks, “Seems a little nervous.”

 

“You know McKay, he'll be fine.” John plays nonchalant.

 

But Ford tells John there has been a change of plans and suddenly Ford’s men have weapons pointed on Rodney from all sides.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” John demands.

 

“McKay’s gonna stay here while we do the op.” Ford tells John. To his men he yells, “Take him!”

 

“What? No! No, no, no, no!” John hears Rodney struggling as they take him away. His face turns to fury, “This wasn’t part of the plan.”

 

“Neither was you heading back to Atlantis. You didn’t really buy the whole ‘I wanna go home’ speech, did you? Huh? Always underestimating me, Sheppard, you need to stop doing that.” Ford goes on, “Complete the mission and McKay lives.”

 

“We can’t complete the mission, Ford. It’s a bad plan!” John groans.

 

Ford pauses, “You said it was a great plan.”

 

“You didn’t buy to the whole ‘It’s a great plan’ speech, did you?” John gives a sour grimace.

 

Unmoved, Ford tells John to get the Dart in the air and beam the team up. He adds that the Dart DHD will only dial the gate for the mission and back, “Just in case McKay’s life isn’t enough to get you to do the right thing.”

 

Keeping his rage in check, John gathers his self-control. He has no choice now but to complete Ford’s fucked up mission.

 

.  
.  
_________________________________________  
.  
.

 

Back at the base, Rodney fidgets as he watches the men shoot themselves up with the drug; it is a very disturbing sight. He stands up from the table, pacing and ranting about long the mission is taking. Where are John and the others? They should be back by now. He tries to calculate the exact amount of time it would take but his brain is firing erratically.

 

He knows it has been too long; John should have been back by now. Hours have gone by and Rodney tries to appeal to the addled men. He begs them to give him the control crystals so he can go for help. But they refuse to allow him in Ford’s office and tell him at gunpoint that if he wants the crystals, he has to go through them first.

 

Fighting his self pity and despair, Rodney stalks away, trying try to come up with another plan. Then he slinks into the lab where the enzyme is stored, finding the bottles of the stuff. He looks at the case grimly, this might not be the best plan he’s ever had. After wrestling with himself internally, he decides it’s his only option.

 

His face set in determination, he reaches for one of the small bottles. Then, he changes his mind, taking the largest container instead. He shoots himself up. Needle-full after needle-full. Oh, he can barely hold his arm still. As he injects the last of the bottle, he is gasping. He might be about to have a heart attack...

 

No. He can do this. He feels like a superhero. He can destroy anything in his path. Rodney catches his breath and runs back to where the men are guarding the crystals. He grabs them and flings them easily about the room. They know how to fight, but they can’t match his strength.

 

“And that’s what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!” Rodney screams at the unconscious men on the floor.

 

By the time, he reaches the gate, Rodney feels like he is losing his mind. He blinks telling himself manically, “Okay, focus. Focus.”

 

It feels like he is having an aneurism and an orgasm at the same time. Fuck. He talks through the dialing process, hearing his own voice rattling incoherently back at himself.

 

When the wormhole opens, Rodney shakes in concentration, “Okay, go home.”

 

.  
.  
___________________________________________  
.  
.

 

Carson meets Elizabeth and Caldwell outside the infirmary to give them an update on Rodney’s condition, “I’ve sedated him.” He looks back into the room where Rodney is secured to a gurney, “I’ve administered a beta-blocker to bring his blood pressure down to a more manageable level. It’s a wonder he didn’t suffer a stroke.”

 

Caldwell asks if Rodney has said anything else to help them locate the rest of the team.

 

“Nothing coherent, I’m afraid.” Carson is sorry report, “By the time he arrived here, he was hyperventilating, pulse extremely rapid. He could barely get out a word.” He looks back to his friend twitching on the hospital bed, “Although, being Rodney, he certainly tried.”

 

When Elizabeth hears what an incredibly high dosage Rodney took, she wonders if they can wean him off it.

 

“I wish I could.” Carson tells them, “Unfortunately, Lieutenant Ford took the last supply of our enzyme when he left Atlantis, so an incremental withdrawal is out of the question.”

 

Even if they managed to harvest more from some Wraith it be too late to keep Rodney from going into withdrawal. Carson tells them gravely “No, I’m afraid, for Rodney, the only choice is-“

 

“Cold turkey.” Caldwell answers.

 

“Aye, to put it bluntly. I can administer some drugs to help ease the process… anti-nausea medication, pain reliever, benzodiazepine for anxiety, as well as a multivitamin injection to bolster the immune system.”

 

“Good.” Elizabeth nods.

 

He continues, “But there’s no dodging the fact, it’s gonna be difficult, possibly even deadly.”

 

Carson licks his lips nervously as he looks back to his friend. He feels a great affection Rodney and he will see him through this to the end.

 

When Rodney comes to and regains consciousness, he orders Carson, “Don’t just stand there, get me more enzyme.”

 

“We don’t have any.” Carson tells him softy.

 

“It’s the cave, Ford’s cave.” Rodney gasps, “He’s got a whole cabinet of it. There’s dozens of vials.”

 

If they could get more of the enzyme, they could taper Rodney off, the risk of death would go down dramatically. Carson leans in and enunciates, “Do you know the address?”

 

“No.” Rodney’s face is red as he huffs.

 

“I’m sorry Rodney.” Carson leans back sadly.

 

“You don’t have to scream at me!” Rodney yells.

 

Carson keeps his voice low and reassuring, “I’m not screaming.”

 

“Well this is fun for you, isn’t it, watching me like this?” Rodney sputters angrily.

 

“I assure you, it’s not.” Carson looks at him with compassion.

 

“What is this payback?” Rodney rages, “You’re jealous, huh? You’re jealous of how vital am to this mission. Vital, vital –Nnn, jealous of how-how I get to go offworld.”

 

Rodney’s voice cracks as he yells, “and you get stuck in this stupid, pathetic excuse for a hospital.”

 

“You know that’s not true.” Carson tries to reason with him.

 

Struggling in his restraints like he is having a seizure, Rodney accuses him, “Jealous I get all the woman and you don’t.”

 

“Excuse me?” If Carson weren’t so worried about Rodney he would laugh.

 

“Please, just give me little enzyme, just enough to take the edge off. I’m dying here.” Rodney begs.

 

“I told you we don’t have any.” Carson is patient.

 

“What you think I don’t know you’re lying?” Rodney flies into a rage.

 

“I’m not lying.” Carson shakes his head.

 

“You are.” Rodney insists, “You think I don’t think you are, but you are. And don’t think I won’t forget it!”

 

Rodney makes a choking sound and Carson asks, “What?”

 

“I don’t know.” Rodney sobs and leans back into the pillow, “Just kill me.”

 

“I wish I….” Carson sighs to himself, He wishes could do something more for Rodney.

 

“I’ll pass.” He says trying to sound strong.

 

“Don’t shout! I am right here!” Rodney convulses.

 

Carson turns to the nurses in the adjoining room, “Perhaps we should move him to a more secluded area.”

 

“What, so you can kill me in private? Stab another knife in my back, huh?” Rodney panics.

 

“Rodney, no one’s trying to kill you.” Carson places his hands gently on Rodney’s chest.

 

Rodney struggles and looks like he is trying to figure out what is real and what isn’t. Carson thinks if he can get Rodney into environment that feels safer, he might be able to reassure him.

 

“You have no idea of the agony I’m going through.” Rodney pleads.

 

“Oh, I have an inkling.” Carson looks down with empathy.

 

Carson has his assistants help him wheel Rodney into a private room. While they get everything set up, Rodney yells at them all incoherently.

 

He keeps assuring Rodney that no one wants to kill him while he ushers the assistants out and closes the door.

 

Then he pulls up a chair next to Rodney’s bedside, where he can watch the vitals on the screen and easily reach any off the medications he might need to administer at a moment’s notice.

 

“You never liked me, you just want to see me suffer.” Rodney spasms.

 

“You know that’s not true, Rodney. I’m your friend.” Carson reaches out and pats his arm.

 

“I don’t have friends!” Rodney sneers.

 

“Yes, you have lots of friends here on Atlantis.” Carson assures him, “There’s Colonel Sheppard, and-“

 

“Oh, God!” Rodney chokes and lunges against his restraints, “John. Oh, no, no, no, no. What have I done?”

 

Concerned, Carson asks him, “I don’t know Rodney, what have you done?”

 

“Oh, fuck.” Rodney shakes his head from side to side on the pillow. “Why did I do that to him?”

 

With horror on his face, Rodney stares up him, “Oh my God. I just want to die. Now really want to die.”

 

“Is Colonel Sheppard all right?” Carson asks.

 

“Mmmmmm.” Rodney makes a high-pitched moan, “I don’t know- I don’t know.”

 

“It’s okay.” Carson pats Rodney’s arm, “What happened?”

 

Rodney starts to hyperventilate and Carson pets him arm reassuringly, “It’s okay. Just breathe.”

 

“I was trying to make things up to him- after Doranda.” Rodney looks up at the ceiling still breathing hard.

 

“He was so mad, and, and, I then I- I, was on the enzyme, I wasn’t on this much, not this much, but he hadn’t had any, so it wasn’t a fair fight.”

 

“Did you fight Colonel Sheppard, Rodney?”

 

“No-no-no-no” Rodney shakes his head, “I gave him a blowjob. I made him tell he wanted it. The way he made say I wanted it, when fucked me in the supply closet. I shouldn’t have-shouldn’t have.”

 

Sure that Rodney is delirious, Carson pats his arm one final time, “It’s okay Rodney, you don’t know what you’re saying right now.”

 

“Oh, I know what I’m saying-I know what’s real.” Rodney bucks against his restraints.

 

“And let me assure you, this is very real. It’s been real since the day you first introduced me to him. I thought, I thought, he was hot, but I never thought he would.-

 

You-know-what? He fucked me, okay? He fucked that first night, on the couch, in the game room.”

 

Carson looks at Rodney with confusion.

 

“Yeah!?” Rodney yells, “You remember Antarctica?

 

That was fucking real! He fucked me every day we were there. Every day until he changed his mind and left, and, and, and, you told me he changed his mind, I-I think it had something to do with me, I don’t know why.

 

But that’s when he stopped fucking me. But, but, does-he-stop-fucking-toying-with-me?!

 

No! He comes to stay with me back on Earth, stays in my apartment, always, always with the touching.

 

Rubbing up on me while he gives me shooting lessons, getting close, flipping me over, pinning me down-

 

But, no! When I try to kiss him, he pushes me against the wall. Then he fucks Chaya instead of me.”

 

As he listens to the bizarre story, Carson’s eyes are getting wider. There are some factual details mixed in there… Could any of this possibly be real?

 

“Yes, yes! Chaya, you remember Chaya? That was real. That happened. Just like I gave him a fucking blowjob on Ford’s planet! Okay?!”

 

“It’s not fair.” Rodney pants for a moment, then cringes and moans into the pillow “You don’t know what it’s like.

 

Missing him all the time. Missing his hands on my skin, I –I –I can’t get over him and, and he won’t let me go, even though he doesn’t want me anymore. He toys with me and won’t let me go, and I still want him, I want him, I want…”

 

Rodney sobs into the pillow, “I love him. Oh. Oh, God. He’s going to hate me even more now. But he let me do it. Why did he let me do it? Why did he let me? Why-why-why-why?…”

 

“I don’t know, Rodney.” Carson takes a breath and shakes his head.

 

“There’s something wrong with me.” Rodney moans, “Why do I love someone who will never love me back? I hate myself. I hate myself and I want to die.”

 

“No, Rodney you want to live.” Carson reaches over to touch Rodney’s arm again.

 

“I want to die.” Rodney shakes his head in misery, “He doesn’t care about me, nobody cares about me. It’s like Alex said, like he said.”

 

“Alex?” Carson inquires softy.

 

“Always said I was worthless.” Rodney’s face bunches up in pain and chokes out, Pathetic. No...”

 

He shakes his head, “So mean to me. Said I deserved it, cause I’m, I’m… Oh. Pathetic.”

 

Rodney makes another sobbing sound.

 

Seeing that Rodney’s vitals ticking up, Carson tries to stop the train of thought, “Rodney?”

 

But Rodney continues to sob; his face is getting red. It looks like he is holding his breath to stop himself.

 

Standing up, Carson and leans over his friend and puts his hands on Rodney’s chest, “Rodney, Rodney, breathe.”

 

Finally, Rodney opens his teary eyes and starts breathing more normally.

 

“Okay keep breathing.” Carson holds his gaze, “In and out. Slowly… In and out.”

 

Though Rodney can’t seem to manage to do it slowly, he otherwise complies. He continues to rant and rave about John, his past relationship with Alex, and the fact that nobody cares about him.

 

Carson tries his best to calm Rodney down. At several points Rodney describes sexual scenes in such graphic detail that Carson doesn’t doubt that he is recounting real memories.

 

The last think Carson wants to think about is Colonel Sheppard’s cock. Clearly, Rodney thinks about it a lot. He just wishes that Rodney would stop being so graphic.

 

As the hours go by, Rodney seems to hit a turning point. His vitals start to ease back down. When Carson gives him the next dose of painkillers, Rodney passes out. He is through the worst of it now and should be able to rest. Carson finally lets himself relax.

 

Elizabeth steps into the room and asks Carson, “How is he?”

 

“Asleep, finally, mercifully.” Carson sighs with relief.

 

She smiles and wonders, “Has he mentioned anything about Sheppard and the others?”

 

Well, Rodney mentioned Sheppard, but nothing relevant to finding him. Carson answers, “No, not yet… Our conversation was of a different sort.” He confides, “I feel not unlike the priest in ‘The Exorcist’.

 

Now, that’s all he’s ever going to say about that. Carson looks back to Rodney, “But he’s lived through the worst of it. The nausea has passed, his pulse has returned to normal, blood pressure in a more reasonable range, considering his borderline hypertension before taking the enzyme.”

 

“Good.” Elizabeth is pleased.

 

“I hate to say it, but his stubbornness is probably what sustained him through the ordeal.” Carson admits.

 

Elizabeth lifts her brows, “We won’t tell him that though.”

 

“Aye, mustn’t feed the beast.” Carson agrees.

 

“No… You look exhausted. You should get some rest.” Elizabeth tells him.

 

But Carson isn’t leaving until Rodney is back to normal. “I’ll stay with him just a wee bit longer, just to make sure he’s out of the woods.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during Season 2 episode 10: 'the Lost Boys' & episode 11: 'The Hive'


	16. John can't get over that blowjob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John is tortured by his feelings for Rodney, consumed by guilt and desire._  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

When Rodney has recovered from his withdrawal, he tries not to think about what happened between he and John back on the planet. He pulls himself together and briefs Elizabeth on everything he knows about the mission Ford took the others on. 

 

He gives them the coordinates of the planet that the Hive ship was headed towards and they leave aboard the Daedalus, hoping to intercept them in time to rescue the rest of the team. 

 

When they arrive at the planet, there are two Hive ships in orbit, confounding their ability to ascertain which one John and the team might be on. They are unable to make radio contact or activate the subspace transmitters to beam them out.

 

Caldwell is skeptical about their survival and plans to take both Hives out by beaming nukes under their shields. But the Wraith are deploying countermeasures, jamming out the frequency. 

 

Then the Daedalus starts to come under attack. They return fire but are outgunned. Rodney tells them that the shields are losing power fast. Worried that the location of Atlantis has been compromised, Caldwell is adamant they need to take these ships out. 

 

“We need to win this.” He tells Rodney.

 

Wondering how in the hell that could possibly happen, Rodney stares out the window. He sees something odd and points it out.

 

“Look. See that? It’s a Dart firing on one of the Hive ships.” 

 

“Why?” Caldwell asks. 

 

“Sheppard.” Rodney’s heart surges.

 

Some of the other Darts begin to break off their attack on the Daedalus, firing on the Wraith Hives instead. 

 

“I don’t believe what I’m seeing.” Caldwell is stunned.

 

Lorne sounds impressed, “Sheppard’s actually getting them to fire at each other. 

 

Rodney’s face lights up with joy, he knew John was going to make it out of this. One of the Hive ships breaks up in an explosion and the wreckage from the blast breaks through what is left of the shields on the other Hive ship. 

 

His eyes go wide after the second blast. Both Wraith ships are gone along with all the Darts in the vicinity. As Rodney stares out the window, his stomach knots up in dread. He runs to a view screen to scan the debris and sees nothing.

 

He feels cold and empty as he delivers the news, “The blast has destroyed everything in a 15,000 meter radius.” Rodney barely keeps his voice from breaking at the end of the sentence. 

 

“Did any Darts survive?” Caldwell asks.

 

A pilot answers, “Negative sir.” 

 

Swallowing, Rodney thinks about the last time he saw John. He was climbing down the ladder while John got ready to pilot the Dart. 

 

The expression on John’s face had seemed like it was meant to be reassuring and kind. Rodney is sure of that; John was trying to tell him everything was okay between them. 

 

And what had Rodney said with his own face when looked back at John? 

 

Nothing good enough, not nearly good enough. 

 

Rodney hates this feeling… the feeling that John is dead. Why does it keep happening? This time makes 3; Rodney has kept score. Not including all the times that John has almost died, just the times he has actually died. In Rodney’s mind, at least. First time by bug, then it was a nuke, and this time a Dart. 

 

And is this really the end? It can’t be. ‘John, come back.’ 

 

‘Come back, John.’ 

He waits…but this time John doesn’t come back. This time he is really gone. Rodney leaves the bridge to find a place to be alone. That way no one can see him quietly come undone. 

 

.  
.

 

The ride home is excruciating for Rodney. He can’t stop thinking about John’s face the last time they saw each other. He can’t stop seeing John’s beautiful face. Rodney bites the inside of his lip to stop himself from losing it completely. He has to hold it together while he is on the Daedalus. 

 

When the Daedalus lands, Rodney gets the news that John, Teyla and Ronan are alive. The have just dialed in through the wormhole and are getting a checkup from Carson. This is longest John has ever been dead, and Rodney has to find him so that it isn’t real anymore.

 

As he gets off the ship, Rodney breaks into a run. He has to see John. Rodney tries not to think about his experience with Carson earlier. Whatever was said falls under doctor patient confidentiality. And Carson would never say anything, would he? 

 

He bursts into the infirmary and demands, “Why aren’t you dead?” 

 

“It’s good to see you too Rodney.” John turns, looking so self satisfied.

 

“No, no I mean…” Rodney stutters, “Well, you know what I mean. Why aren’t you dead?” 

 

John stands with his arms folded easily into each other, “Well, I knew when the Hive ships started to shoot at each other, it was just a matter of time before they blew each other up, so I went to the space gate, and dialed an address where I could land safely.” 

 

Sighing, Rodney nods his head; he can’t believe he didn’t think of it. John sounds too relaxed. How can he be so relaxed right now? 

 

“I didn’t think the Dart could fit in out gate room.” John jokes.

 

“The Colonel was kind enough to make us whole again, and we returned home.” Teyla says.

 

“I’m curious Sheppard,” Caldwell asks, “how did you know the Wraith would fight each other?” 

 

“Uh, a little intel from Ford and the gang, plus, uh, I kind of goosed things along with the queen.” John answers.

 

Rodney is astonished how calm he sounds for a man who has just returned from the dead. 

 

“It would appear that the Wraith are becoming more territorial than we had thought. There is definite tension growing among them.” Teyla adds.

 

“Which is good for us.” Ronan grunts.

 

Elizabeth agrees, “It certainly is. It also opens up a brand new strategy in fighting them.” 

 

“And, and, where is Ford?” Rodney wonders.

 

John doesn’t answer. 

 

Teyla breaks the silence; “He was aboard the Hive ship when it was destroyed.” 

 

“He was last seen aboard the Hive ship.” John corrects her.

 

“What does that mean?” Rodney asks.

 

“Well, you know Ford...” John lowers his eyes. Rodney watches John’s lips instead; it is the best way to read his emotion. “Wouldn’t be surprised if he was still alive.” 

 

Right. John has made it his personal mission to find Ford and bring him back to safety. He is not going to want to give up on this. John looks at Rodney and holds his gaze for a few moments before looking away. The expression is hard to read. 

 

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Carson has noticed that Rodney has really been keeping his distance. He has conveniently ‘forgotten’ any plans that the two of them have made over the last few weeks. 

 

When Carson visits the lab, Rodney doesn’t even meet his eyes. He just says he’s too busy. But Carson knows Rodney is lying; he’s a pretty bad liar. 

 

This afternoon, Carson has a new idea to lure Rodney out of the lab. He brews a thermos full of his best stash of coffee and stops by to tell Rodney about the premium Sumatran blend. Doesn’t hurt that he has a bag full of fresh donut holes from the cafeteria, either. 

 

“Thanks, you can just leave that here.” Rodney flits his eyes over the thermos.

 

“Oh, no.” Carson laughs, “This is coming with me for a walk on the pier. Course, you are always welcome to join.” 

 

‘Come on, Rodney. We haven’t talked in weeks.’ Carson shakes the bag of donuts, “Guess I’ll have to feast on these but myself. Pity, they’re so fresh, and I won’t be able to eat them all.” 

 

“Okay, where are we going?” Rodney rolls his eyes and stands.

 

“Right this way.” Carson grins.

 

They walk until they find a private cozy bench overlooking the water. Carson sets out the treats and begins pouring them each a cup. 

 

“Ohhh. That smells good.” Rodney breathes in the aroma.

 

Carson holds out a cup and Rodney tries to take from him without any eye contact. 

 

He keeps his grip until Rodney looks up at him, questioning. There he is. Carson smiles at him and lets go of the cup. 

 

“Mmm... Mmm… Worth the walk.” Rodney pulls it to his lips and sips lightly so as not to burn himself. The coffee is still quite hot. 

 

“It is good.” Carson sips on his own cup with satisfaction.

 

Rodney nods, looking out over the waves.

 

Wondering if Rodney will say anything on his own, Carson watches him. Probably not. 

 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He blurts out.

 

“I’ve busy, that’s all.” Rodney frowns, his eyes locked on the horizon.

 

“You’ve been avoiding me ever since you got through the detox.” Carson repeats himself more certainly.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Rodney’s shoulders hunch forward a bit, “thanks for that, by the way. And I’m sorry for anything I might have said when I wasn’t it my right mind.” 

 

“Uh, well,” Carson takes sip of his coffee, “you kept ranting and raving about how no one likes you and you had no friends-“ 

 

“Burden of genius, I suppose.” Rodney winces, still staring straight ahead.

 

“You know you have friends, don’t you, Rodney?” Carson looks at him with curiosity.

 

Shrugging, Rodney just drinks his coffee. 

 

Carson frowns, he has often wondered why Rodney is so prickly and sarcastic and wished that the scientist would let down his guard a little. He has long suspected that Rodney is far more sensitive than he leads people to believe. 

 

Rodney’s face alone is so expressive, Carson can often see deeper emotions flash across the surface. He knows Rodney uses his intellect to hide behind, he just hasn’t known why Rodney feels the need to be so defensive. 

 

Leaning forward he confesses, “Well, I’m your friend Rodney. You’re probably my closest friend here on Atlantis, and I miss you when you aren’t around.” 

 

Finally, Rodney looks at him. He seems shocked with his mouth hanging open. Carson prepares himself for a sarcastic barb, but it doesn’t come. 

 

He urges Rodney, “This is the part where you say something like… ‘Oh, Thanks Carson, You’re my friend too.’” 

 

Rodney closes his mouth and then offers, “Uh, thanks? I think? I mean, if you consider me a friend.” 

 

Carson gives Rodney an exasperated expression. 

 

“I just… haven’t had a lot of experience with friends… So, if you are indeed being serious, and not mocking me, then, thank you. And, I consider you a friend, also.” 

 

“Why in the world would I be mocking you?” Carson shakes his head in disbelief.

 

Rodney’s face looks guarded. 

 

What happened to Rodney to lead him to believe that people are out to hurt him? Maybe it has something to do with that abusive relationship Rodney had told him about, with that guy… Alex. 

 

“Well, I’m not mocking you.” Carson sighs, “I like you a lot Rodney. Sometimes I wish you were a little less prickly, but all things considered, you are pretty likeable and fun to hang out with.” 

 

The expression on Rodney’s face looks less shielded. He peers at Carson uncertainly but with honest and open eyes. 

 

There is another Rodney in there somewhere, someone he hasn’t met yet, but would like to. Carson smiles, pulls out a donut, and offers it to him. 

 

“Thanks.” Rodney gives a small but genuine smile. He stuffs the donut hole in his mouth and talks while chewing, “You missed me?” 

 

Waiting for the sarcastic comment, Carson lifts his brows.

 

But Rodney just says, “No, that’s, that’s really nice. I don’t think anyone’s ever missed me before.” 

 

“Wait.” Rodney swallows, “This isn’t cause of everything I told you about… I mean, because I’m not, not interested in you, that way-“ 

 

“I know Rodney.” He cuts him off before he can make it any more awkward, something Rodney is very good at. 

 

“That’s not what I’m trying to say. Look, I don’t… I’m only interested in woman when it comes to that. I was SIMPLY trying to tell you that I consider you a friend.” 

 

“Right. Sorry. I know that.” Rodney drinks his coffee nervously, “Didn’t mean to…” 

 

“It’s fine.” Carson assures him, “Now that we’ve got that cleared up… More coffee?” 

 

“Please.” Rodney reaches his cup out eagerly and Carson pours them both more of the prized liquid. 

 

“Uh, so…” Rodney flits his eyes anxiously, “That was pretty weird, when I was coming off the enzyme…” 

 

“Do you remember?” Carson furrows his brows.

 

Cringing Rodney tells him “I remember everything. I wish to God I didn’t but… I remember what happened on the planet and… I remember everything I said to you…” He trails off sadly. 

 

“So, all that really happened?” Carson asks gently. “All that… stuff?” 

 

Rodney glumly nods. 

 

“So the two of you… Really?” Carson still can’t believe it, “The first day we met him?” 

 

Eyeing Carson warily, Rodney’s expression softens, “He… He seduced me and… I fell for it.” 

 

He listens as Rodney goes on to describe the bizarre relationship between he and Colonel Sheppard in a more coherent, chronological manner. Rodney seems embarrassed at first, but when he realizes that Carson isn’t judging him, he begins talking at a less rapid pace. 

 

Hearing how physically and emotionally battered Rodney was by Alex, Carson starts to feel very protective towards his emotionally fragile friend. Then John had come into picture, treating Rodney pretty callously. Carson can understand why Rodney says he is fucked up over it. 

 

What he can’t understand, is why Rodney thinks he is in love with John Sheppard. Carson has a theory that Rodney just isn’t used to healthy, positive relationships. That is why he is fixated on Colonel Sheppard. 

 

As the story unfolds, Carson agrees that the Colonel is just toying with Rodney. And Carson doesn’t like it. Either the Colonel is deeply confused himself or he is purposely cruel. 

 

After Rodney has talked himself out, Carson admits that he is worried about him when it comes to Sheppard. He tells Rodney that he thinks it would be best of he stayed away from the Colonel. Even if Rodney is in love with him, the Colonel sounds incapable of returning the feelings. 

 

Explaining that he just doesn’t want to see Rodney get hurt, Carson tries to offer reassurances that Rodney will find someone to return his affections. He tells Rodney that he a likeable, attractive guy, that someone else will come along, someone who can treat him with love and respect. Rodney listens to Carson’s advice and seems to take it to heart. Carson just hopes Rodney have the good sense to stay away. 

 

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John has been feeling ‘off’ ever since escaping from the Hive. What happened between he and Rodney on Ford’s planet, that was… It was… something John should never have let happen, but it changed everything for him. He can’t stop thinking about how Rodney made him feel. 

 

When Rodney wrestled him to the ground, John had finally surrendered to it. Given in to the feelings that scare him the most and make him want to push Rodney away. John isn’t sure what it means, he knows he can’t let himself be with another man, but the desire he feels is so strong. 

 

Over the last few months, John has kept Rodney at a distance, but Rodney is the one keeping his distance these days. Rodney used to seek John out throughout the day, always telling him about some new breakthrough. 

 

Even when John had been in the infirmary recovering from the retrovirus, Rodney had brought him a homemade sandwich every day. Despite the fact that John has kept Rodney at arm’s length, Rodney has still tried to make it up to John about Doranda. After all, John had told Rodney he could win his trust back if he ‘really, really tried’. 

 

John hadn’t meant for Rodney to try so much though… like when he tried to come to John’s rescue aboard the Aurora, or again when John was on the Hive ship. None of it had been necessary, but Rodney kept trying. 

 

He had told himself he wanted some distance and perceptive. To try to get his head clear… Because John feels too much when he’s close to Rodney, too conflicted; he shouldn’t care so much about one particular team member. It compromises his command ability, that’s all. That’s all there is to it, right?

 

When Rodney had made that plea to go back to Doranda, John should have been objective enough to see it was a bad call. Rodney had asked John to trust him and John’s heart had taken over. 

 

But it has been unfair to mislead Rodney and let him blame himself this whole time… to let him try to make it up to John. It’s never been a matter of forgiveness; it’s just been an excuse to shut himself down.

 

Really, John was just trying to get away from himself, but he has let Rodney think it is all his fault. Yeah, Rodney made a bad call. Rodney got overconfident. But it’s a mistake John has made himself many times. 

 

Sure, John had been upset, but it was the realization of how much he trusted Rodney and relied on him that had freaked him out the most. John prefers to be invulnerable, unaffected. But now that Rodney is giving him that distance, John feels more confused than ever. 

 

He regrets how often he has pushed Rodney away. John never means to hurt Rodney; he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it at the time. But looking back, John admits to himself that this is the 4th time in a year and a half that it has happened. First in Antarctica, then when Rodney had tried to kiss him, the incident on Rodney’s couch, and finally Doranda… 

 

Then there is the whole mess of what happened back on Ford’s planet. It shouldn’t surprise him that Rodney is done with him. John has no right to ask anything from him, but he misses him a great deal. He wants to be around Rodney again, be close the way they used to be. Back on the planet, Rodney had seemed so angry when John had called him ‘buddy’. 

 

“Oh, am I you’re buddy again, now? Is that was this is?” 

 

John can’t stop thinking about that amazing blowjob. He knows Rodney would never have done it if he were thinking straight. He feels so guilty for thinking about it at night while he strokes his cock. He doesn’t mean to cum thinking about Rodney, but it feels so good. So fucking good. No one’s ever made him cum that hard.

 

The problem is, that whatever is between he and Rodney, it isn’t going away. No, the problem is, John doesn’t want it to go away. He hates feeling so out of control. 

 

The way Rodney makes him feel is like a current, something he just can’t get away from. It is all so wrong. It has been wrong from the beginning. 

 

And it’s all John’s fault. Everything is his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during/ after Season 2 episode 11: 'The Hive'


	17. Kind of even missed you a little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John hates himself for pushing Rodney away; he's determined to win his trust back no matter how long it takes._  
> .

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.  
.

 

John has gradually adjusted to life here. After 6 months, he has stopped waiting for the rescue party that never comes. He knows there must have been a good reason why they didn’t come back for him, but it still hurts that he has been left behind. It’s a dull kind of pain. 

 

It reminds him of how he felt in Antarctica, numb and empty. The people living in this place are okay, they are just really, really dull. 

 

Even Teer, his lover… She has no sense of humor. Everything is so somber and sincere. It was explained to John once he passed the threshold, that this village was created by the Ancients as a place to prepare for enlightenment. There is no return through the portal that brought him here; he is committed to remain for the rest of his days. Cheery. 

 

Trying to find a way out, John has run every inch of the perimeter and there is no way to escape the confines of the sanctuary. Nothing but a village on the edge of a grassy plain. 

 

So there is nothing left to do but join them in their constant mediations or keep watch out for the ‘beast’ that occasionally roams the fields. The thing appears sometimes but it is mostly invisible. John hasn’t been able to pierce it with his bullets and it seems to disappear when he tries to fight it. 

 

John wasn’t really expecting to return to a life of silence and solitude, not after the last year and a half spent on Atlantis, but he has resigned himself to it. He misses Rodney the most. 

 

He wishes he’d had a chance to make things right before they went on that last mission, the one that left him marooned here. He still dreams about Rodney, the blowjob and everything else... Sometimes it is sexual, but often it is just a feeling of being held or holding Rodney in his arms. 

 

Then, when John wakes, he feels Rodney’s absence. He remembers that he never held him at all. Sometimes he thinks he has a memory of Rodney holding him. 

 

Maybe… that night after the siege ended, when Rodney came to his room. John had fallen asleep while watching the movie and he’d been having a nightmare. 

 

In his dream, Rodney held him and made the fear go away. Was it a dream or was it real?  
He thinks it was real. John feels guilty for pushing Rodney away so much. Rodney had always been a good friend and John hadn’t been fair with him… not the way he should have been. 

 

It doesn’t really matter now that his military life is over. He can let himself imagine Rodney in his arms, in his bed… And that blowjob had been like nothing John had ever felt before. He had never cum so fucking hard. 

 

Teer is nice, she gives him comfort, but the pleasure is nominal. Like everything else here. 

 

Joining the villagers for one of their wholesome meals, John is amused that they are discussing the concept of the ‘thrill of life’. Something he has told them repeatedly that they are all missing out on. 

 

The conversation goes quiet suddenly. And then Teer tells John that she senses 5 of his people coming for him. 

 

Is it possible? Are they coming back for him at last? John’s heart pounds in his chest. 

 

“They’re here?” He stares at her, “Are you sure? That’s the best news I’ve heard-“ 

 

“No, John,” Teer stops him, “I sense something more. The beast is nearly upon them.” 

 

He breaks out in a run toward the fields. He has been out of ammo for a while now but he has a knife. John hears gunfire as he gets close. The thing is just ahead of him and he lunges from the wooded path to grab hold of it. 

 

The beast disappears and John falls flat onto the grass. When he gets back up, he sees Elizabeth, Rodney, Carson, Teyla, and Ronan. There are all here. They didn’t forget about him. 

 

“What the hell took you so long!?” John shouts at Elizabeth.

 

“Believe it or not,” she tells him, “you were only gone for a couple of hours.” 

 

“Try 6 months.” John frowns.

 

“You don’t understand.” Rodney jumps in, “You’ve been trapped in a time dilation field.” 

 

“What?” John looks at him in exasperation.

 

“What was that bloody thing?” Carson interrupts.

 

“I don’t know.” John turns back to Rodney, “What’s a time dilation field?” 

 

Before Rodney can explain, the beast has reappeared. It roars in front of them, larger than John has ever seen it. Knife in hand, he steps forward. Ronan steps to his side, ready to do battle. 

 

But Teer and the others arrive, joining them in the field. As they walk toward the beast, the things gives a final roar, then fades away completely. 

 

“That’s it? That’s all it took?” John asks.

 

Teer replies, “You were right John, we were afraid. The beast was the final burden we had to shed, manifest from our own fears. You gave us the courage to face it.” 

 

She reaches her hand out for him, “Come with us.” 

 

He sees that she is starting to glow like Chaya had. But John wants to be here with Rodney and the others.

 

“I’m not ready for that yet, I’m not sure I’ll ever be.” He tells her.

 

“One day, perhaps?” Teer looks at him with affection. 

 

“Yeah, one day.” John glances at the sky wondering what it would feel like to fly through it as a beam of energy.

 

“I’ll look forward to it.” Teer smiles.

 

The others begin to Ascend, but Teer keeps her human form a little longer, staring at John with knowing eyes. 

 

He wishes there was something more her could express to her, but he has never been able to goodbye. He knows she can sense this, she can sense everything he is thinking and feeling, he doesn’t need to tell her. 

 

And then she is gone too. 

 

“What is it with you and Ascended woman?” Rodney walks over to him shaking a finger at the sky.

 

John just shrugs. 

 

“Well, the beard is interesting.” Elizabeth teases.

 

“First thing to go when we get home.” John scowls. Yeah. He has really missed home. 

 

“I never thought I’d see any of you again,” he admits.

 

“Kind of even…” John glances at Rodney, “missed you a little.” 

 

Ronan sounds unemotional, “Yeah, well, it was only a couple of hours for us, so-“ 

 

“-Ronan.” Teyla cuts him off, “We were all quite worried about you.” 

 

“Of course we were.” Beckett nods in agreement.

 

“We’re just sorry we didn’t get here sooner.” Elizabeth confesses.

 

John glances around him and notices that Rodney is uncharacteristically quiet. 

 

He decides to put an end to all this mushy talk, “Let’s get out of here.” 

 

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After 6 long months John doesn’t want any more time or space between he and Rodney. Not much time may have passed for Rodney, but for John, it is the longest the two of them have been apart since they met almost 2 years ago. 

 

Well, for John, it’s been longer now. John missed Rodney more than he would have thought possible. But when he tries to seek Rodney out and spend time with him again, it becomes apparent just how much distance John has managed to put between them. 

 

And this time it feels different, it doesn’t feel like Rodney is mad. He seems… really… detached, maybe? He interacts with John easily enough… and when he tells John he is too busy to hang out, he doesn’t seem hurt or withdrawn. Just ambivalent. 

 

When John sees Rodney hanging out with Carson after he has just lied about spending time in the lab, Rodney doesn’t seem guilty or worried. He barely takes notice. John has finally pushed Rodney too far. He isn’t coming back. 

 

Was it the drug-addled blowjob that did it? All the times John gave Rodney the cold shoulder after Doranda? Maybe the fight in Rodney’s apartment on Earth? Or the way John had pushed Rodney away after he’d tried to kiss him? Could be just the accumulation of everything? Too much… 

 

Whatever it is, John realizes how much he has taken Rodney’s friendship for granted. For some reason, he had assumed that Rodney would still be there, waiting and wanting to be buddies at the end of the day. He has always been able to get through to Rodney before… He’ll just have to keep trying. Maybe Rodney will give in if he keeps trying?

 

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The next month is pretty uneventful except for a bomb scare that took some doing to get to the bottom of. A splinter group known as the Trust, was infiltrated by the Goa'uld, parasitical creatures from the Milky Way. They had taken Caldwell as a host and used him to time a ZPM to overload with the gate dialing sequence. 

 

The Trust is not the only government splinter group with a stronghold on Earth, but certainty the most dangerous. Fortunately, they received warning from Earth just prior to dialing up for the weekly transmission. 

 

Rodney hates to admit it, but Lieutenant Cadman was instrumental in saving day… She still completely creeps him out. And it is more than a little weird that she and Carson are dating now. 

Sometimes when he sees the two of them laughing together, he feels afraid that they are laughing at him. But he doesn’t let his insecurities get the better of him. Carson would never laugh at him that way. 

 

In all the time he has known Carson, he has never ridiculed Rodney. Carson is his friend and Rodney has to trust that he would not betray him. He can only hope the same of Cadman.

 

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Carson is proud of Rodney, he has been doing a good job of keeping a distance from Colonel Sheppard. He knows it isn’t easy for him. Even though Carson has been enjoying his new relationship with Lieutenant Cadman, he makes sure to keep plenty of time available for Rodney, so as not to neglect their friendship. 

 

And Carson has been extra busy lately, ever since the infiltration of a Goa’uld symbiote. Elizabeth has insisted that everyone on the Atlantis be tested for the mind-controlling parasite and it has taken up a lot of his time. 

 

When Carson and Rodney hang out, they mostly talk of other things, but John does come up eventually, even just for a little progress report. Rodney tells Carson that John has begun treating him differently since he came back from the Ancient sanctuary. 

 

He seems really sincere about wanting to spend time with Rodney. But Rodney hasn’t fallen for it. He is polite, even friendly, but doesn’t give in. Carson is pleased and hopes that this will be enough for Rodney to get over his twisted feelings for the Colonel. 

 

Carson knows John is being persistent; a few times he has even tried to approach Rodney while he and Carson have been out together. It’s nothing he would ever have thought twice about it before, but now when John approaches Rodney, Carson sees something sinister and dark- no matter how affable and easygoing the Colonel might act. Carson knows Rodney doesn’t need him to fight his battles, but one time John had been insisting that they all go do something together. 

 

Letting his emotions get the better of him, Carson had been a bit curt, saying, “Thank you, Colonel. But we already have plans that don’t include you.” 

 

Before traipsing away, John had shrugged playfully, saying, “Just checkin”, 

 

For Carson, that was rudeness dialed up all the way to 11. He’d felt uncertain about his reaction and looked to Rodney, to see if he had gone to far. But Rodney’s face had smiled back at him, warm and grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place throughout Season 2 episode 12: 'Epiphany' & during/ after episode 13: 'Critical Mass'.


	18. Rodney keeps his distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John stages a daring rescue to save Rodney's life but their friendship is not so easily salvaged._  
> .

.  
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John is rattled when he hears the news that Rodney’s Jumper has gone down over the Lantean Ocean. Zelenka is pessimistic that he survived the crash since the front part of the Jumper was flooded, cutting out communications.

 

He tells John, “If they didn’t make it to the rear compartment in time-“

 

“They made it.” John interrupts emphatically.

 

Still, Zelenka says it is going to be very difficult to locate them, and even if they could he doesn’t see how they could rescue Rodney and the pilot at that depth.

 

“I’ll handle the rescue, you just worry about finding them.” John is adamant.

 

He has an idea already. Time to put that engineering degree to work. John directs his crew to keep soldering. He has designed a massive winch with a magnetic grapple, which he plans to attach to a pair of F-302’s.

 

Even through the mechanism won’t be strong enough to lift the Jumper all the way out of the water, it should be enough for a cutting team and rescue divers to reach them. John is sure that Rodney is still alive. He can feel it. And when Rodney gets back, John will try harder to make up for the past.

 

They’ve just got get far enough down... John’s only got 1,000 feet of grappling, but the rescue Jumper should be able to submerge another 1,000. Zelenka seems to think Rodney’s Jumper is deeper than that by now. But there is no way to be sure since the ocean floor of the search area varies widely.

 

Trying think of another way, John asks Zelenka is he can turn the Jumper’s cloak into a shield.

 

“That would hold back the water,” Zelenka answers, ”yes, but it would take significantly more power.”

 

Pleased, John tells him, “Well, we shut down everything we don’t need.”

 

Zelenka argues that it would take too long to reconfigure.

 

John is undeterred. “Take what we need, we’ll make the changes down there.”

 

Backtracking, Zelenka insists that he can’t go because he doesn’t even know how to swim.

 

“There’s not a lot of swimming under 1,000 feet of ocean.” John says wryly.

 

“Look, I’m not gonna order you to go.” Elizabeth tells Zelanka.

 

“I WILL!” John raises his voice to a shout.

 

Finally, Zelenka relents. John pilots the ship to search coordinates Zelenka gives him and takes the Jumper down into the water. As they climb down, the radio to Atlantis starts to go out.

 

Before they lose contact completely, John tells Elizabeth to have the divers on Jumper 8 standing by. He can’t help but be impressed by the fact that their Jumper is holding up under all the pressure. Leveling out and holding steady at 990 feet, John asks, “How’s it coming?”

 

“All I’m getting is sporadic life-sign readings.” Zelenka says uncertainly.

 

“As in sea monster life-signs?” John turns back in his chair quizzically.

 

The hull of the Jumper makes a groaning sound and John reminds him, “We’re going to need those shields up and running.”

 

“Well then,” Zelenka is terse, “stop talking, please.”

 

For a moment Zelenka reminds him of Rodney and he smiles, “Will do.”

 

Once the shields are ready to operate, Zelenka tells him that they are drawing more power than he would like; he tells John to wait. But they are only going to have no more than 30 minutes of power to find Rodney, so John takes the Jumper down anyway, confident Rodney is alive and waiting for him.

 

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Rodney has tried everything he could, it’s a miracle he has kept the Jumper from completely flooding by now. But with a head injury and the water level reaching up to his neck, he feels himself slipping away from consciousness.

 

At least Sam had been there to keep him company in his last hours… Well, not really, but it turned out to be a good hallucination after all when she finally took her top off and started kissing him.

“Mmm… sexy minx.”

 

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John and Zelenka are having trouble detecting the Jumper but find a sea monster on radar. It is swimming is circles and John thinks it might be significant. He pilots the Jumper on that bearing to check it out.

 

Zelenka confirms he is right; the creature is circling the sunken vessel. They have a reading on the Jumper but it’s dead, no power. The grapple won’t work either because the Jumper has taken on water. A lot of water, it is nearly flooded.

 

Convinced Rodney is still alive, John demands they try anyway. Zelenka it adamant it won’t work, saying it is a matter of physics.

 

“We’re not coming this far without doing something!” John yells. He knows Rodney has to be alive.

 

At John’s insistence, Zelenka comes up with another possibility. He surmises that they could use the shield to extend around both Jumpers.

 

“We have enough power?” John asks.

 

“Yes if –if we touch down on the ocean floor to conserve engine power, it should just be matter of walking between the two Jumpers.”

 

That sounds better. “All right.” John tells him, “I’ll get us close.”

 

As he sets the Jumper down on the ocean floor, John radios, “McKay, Griffin do you copy?”

 

“Sheppard.” Rodney answers.

 

“Hey buddy.” John’s voice is full of warmth and tenderness. His heart leaps through his chest; he knew Rodney would make it. “What say you lower your door?”

 

Rodney sounds like he is spitting water from his lips, ”That’s probably a bad idea”

 

“Listen,” John explains, “Long story short, we’ve converted the cloak into a shield, and extended it around your Jumper. I’m standing outside right now.”

 

John pounds on the side of the Jumper for effect.

 

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“What?” Rodney’s head wound is making it hard to think clearly.

 

“All you have to do is open your door,” John says patiently, “walk to my Jumper.”

 

Rodney moves to open the hatch but stops himself, speaking to Sam, “What if it’s another one of my hallucinations?”

 

“McKay, what’s the hold up?” John’s voice sounds less patient now, “We need to do this sooner rather than later, the shield ain’t gonna hold forever.”

 

After arguing with Sam, Rodney finally agrees to open the door. He’s about to die anyway, not much to lose. As the water begins to drain around him, he sags to floor, coughing but barely conscious. He feels hands close over him, his arm and his back. He knows it is John before he can see him.

 

Zelenka is there too, asking if Rodney okay.

 

John has pulled Rodney up so that he is leaning into his lap.

 

Letting his head relax there for a moment, Rodney gasps, “I will be.”

 

He wants to reach up and hold onto John but Zelenka is grabbing his free arm.

 

“Where’s Griffin?” John is asking.

 

Rodney’s head lolls back in guilt, looking at the cabin still flooded with water, “He was in there.”

 

“All right, let’s get you home.” John grabs Rodney’s other arm and slings it around his shoulder.

 

As the two of them help him walk to the other Jumper, Rodney hears the whale that has been circling him, “Oh. See ya pal. Sorry, you’re not going to get to eat me today.”

 

“He’s the reason we found you.” John tells him.

 

“Really?” Rodney is stunned.

 

“Almost thought we lost you.” John says gruffly.

 

Rodney smiles at at his hallucination of Samantha Carter. She gives a friendly wave to him from the broken Jumper as they begin to head to the surface. Rodney knows it isn’t really her but just his own mind - the concussion, the hypoxia, the hypothermia that gave his subconscious a voice. Still, the things he had to say about himself might be worth reflection. Certainty better than anything Dr. Heightmeyer could offer.

 

.  
.

 

While Rodney is in the infirmary being treated, John checks in on him, but Carson shoos him away and makes him leave. Rodney hadn’t really wanted John to leave, but he knows Carson is just trying to look out for him.

 

Later in the evening, Rodney hears John in the adjoining room. Carson is telling him that Rodney isn’t up for visitors, which is totally a lie since Carson was just about to discharge Rodney.

 

When Rodney gets back to his quarters to rest, he finds himself thinking about his conversation with Sam. Well, not really her... Rodney’s own critiques of himself.

 

Asking why they had never dated, she had said he was petty, arrogant, and bad with people. She had told Rodney that he doesn’t listen to people or he trust them.

 

“I have every reason not to.” He argued with himself. Then, worried that his own hallucination could read he thoughts, he had gone on a mini-rant about Zelenka and his ineptitude rather than talking about the real reasons.

 

The whole thing had been so weird. Arguing with a hallucination of Sam Carter for hours. He had even tried to kiss her, but she had rejected him. No, wait, just to be clear he had rejected himself. That’s how low his own self-esteem is.

 

Yeah, Sam’s right. He is very bad with people and he definitely doesn’t trust them. Maybe he should try harder, maybe open himself up more. He thinks about Katie Brown and how badly that went.

 

But he mostly blames Cadman for that. Katie had seemed to like him more than most people… No. No. Better just to stay away from the pain. Just like he is staying away from John.

 

Like he told Sam, Rodney had good reasons for not trusting people, not the least of which was his last relationship. God, it has been almost 3 years but Rodney shudders to remember. He doesn’t think he can ever forget. Something about what Alex did to him, what Rodney had let him to do, would scar him forever.

 

Rodney had been lonely and vulnerable when he met Alex. Alex had sensed that and taken advantage of it. He doesn’t ever want to be that vulnerable again with anyone.

 

For now, he has his fantasies of Sam and that is enough. Fantasies can’t hurt you the way people can. Rodney closes his eyes and imagines Sam without the bikini top on, those full breasts up against him as they kiss. Rodney reaches for his cock.

 

Oh, yeah, Lieutenant Colonel Siren.

 

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John walks out to the balcony to tell Elizabeth about the good news about latest mission. “Got the drones, we got a few Jumpers, I even got the girl.”

 

“You got the girl?” Elizabeth looks amused.

 

“Well, I mean I could've got the girl. I turned her down.” John admits.

 

“What did you offer them in return for the drones and the Jumpers?”

 

“Supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help them come up with a new way of running things when the time comes.”

 

“They didn’t offer you king?” Elizabeth suppresses a smile.

 

Guess she heard about that already. John raises his brows, “I turned that down too.”

 

On his way back inside, he smirks. Why can’t they all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women?

 

John sees Rodney making his way from the control room and stops him. “Hey, Rodney. Wait up.”

 

Rodney turns with a neutral expression on his face. John can’t ever seem to catch a moment alone with him these days.

 

“So, I was thinking…” John gives Rodney a playful look, “I never did get a chance to see the rest of that movie, The Galaxy Quest or whatever.”

 

“Yeah, good movie.” Rodney nods.

 

“I thought you said it was your favorite movie?” John smiles.

 

“Not favorite, I don’t know, maybe one of my favorites.” Rodney seems annoyed now, “Why?”

 

“Well,” John shrugs, “I thought maybe it would be fun to watch it again.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Rodney turns to leave, “I’ll send you a copy.”

 

“Wait.” John speaks before Rodney can go, “I meant, you know, like maybe we could watch it together sometime.”

 

“Yeah, sure... Sometime. See you later.” Rodney looks ambivalent.

 

John doesn’t try to stop him again. He heads for the transporter to get cleaned up. While he is in the shower he thinks about the girl he almost got back on the planet, Mara. Mara had been adorable. Blonde with perfect little ringlets.

 

She had taken John by surprise in the opulent chambers appointed to him. Wearing a robe, she asked if there was anything she could do to make him more comfortable.

 

He had been taken completely off guard when she dropped the robe, offering her young, ripe body. He had just stood there in shock, taking it in and wondering why it was he never saw stuff like this coming.

 

“You don’t find me pleasing?” Mara had been confused.

 

“No, no,” John found her pleasing all right, “it’s not that. It’s just…”

 

She had lunged at him eagerly, taking John’s mouth and placing a playful hand on his cheek. Then she pulled away to examine his face, to see if he was pleased. She seemed to like what see saw.

 

Why fight it? A beautiful nimble blonde girl was just what he needed to burn the image of Rodney and that blowjob out of his mind. John had given in as Mara leaned in for another kiss.

 

Pulling away again, she asked triumphantly, “What you said at dinner, did you mean it?”

 

“Absolutely” John’s cock was so rock hard and he had no idea what she was talking about. He had melted into another kiss with her, giving into his desire. Once they pulled away for a breath, he had murmured, “What did I say again?”  

 

As John kissed her neck passionately she answered, “About the villagers. My brother thinks it is a sign of weakness, but I know that it means you’ll be a great ruler some day.”

 

“Right.” hungry for more, John took her lips back in his. Then her word hit him. Confused he asked, “Ruler? What are you talking about?” ‘

 

“My father has promised that if we are married, succession will fall to me.” Mara beamed at him, biting her lip in anticipation.

 

She pushed John back into the bed and he let himself fall. Why fight it? It wasn’t like they were getting married anytime soon and his cock was so hard. He took Mara into his arms, rolling her under him on the bed. He had wanted to lower his lips onto those pert breasts, and feast on her delicious body.

 

He didn’t want to listen to his mind; it was telling him, bad John, have some self-control. Then he remembered. This was exactly what had gotten him into trouble with Rodney, thinking with his cock, letting himself take advantage of someone else’s momentary weakness. This wasn’t based on fair play and John couldn’t let Mara think….

 

Groaning, he had reluctantly pulled away. “I’m sorry Mara, I can’t. I have my own people and I can’t be some kind of... ruler with you. It’s just not going to happen.”

 

Now that he is in his shower, John plays the story out in his mind a little differently. He takes Mara’s nipple in his mouth and cups her other breast with his hand. He imagines his clothes are gone and Mara can feel his huge, hard cock, waiting for her. Hard, like it is now. John strokes himself.

 

He takes Mara on the bed in every way imaginable. John has a mental image of her body from various angles and he makes use of it. Oh, yeah. He wants to cum, but the potency of the visual is wearing off, he needs something to push him over the edge.

 

Rodney’s mouth on his cock. Rodney taking him in that field and making him- Oh… Oh…. God. Oh.

 

Why does he always cum so hard thinking about Rodney? He has to stop doing this. John sighs against the shower wall as the pleasant reverberations of the orgasm flutter through him. Then he rinses, trying to shake off whatever the hell this is with Rodney.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place through Season 2 episode 14: 'Grace Under Pressure' & during/ after episode 15: 'The Tower'


	19. Buddies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _“Well, you didn’t lose me.” John’s expression becomes sincere and hopeful, “You still have me.”_

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A few weeks later John is in the infirmary with Elizabeth. They are both recovering from the effects of having temporarily housed the consciousness of alien beings. Elizabeth had told John he was a hopeless romantic for agreeing to it in the first place.

 

How wrong she is. Just ask his ex-wife; John doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body.

 

His own consciousness had been suppressed, but he had witnessed the whole meltdown. The two aliens, who had convinced everyone that they were husband and wife, had attempted to assassinate each other once they got control of the bodies. Nearly killing John, and a whole lot of other people in the process.

 

“Hey… You doing okay?” Rodney’s voice takes him by surprise.

 

John looks up to see a worried expression on his face. Wow. He hasn’t had any success getting Rodney to spend time with him in over… Well, in a long, long time. He wasn’t expecting Rodney to come by the infirmary.

 

They don’t have much privacy, since Elizabeth is lying close by, sleeping. John leans up and whispers, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Good… good, it’s good to have you back, buddy” Rodney smiles.

 

John grins when he hears that. He wonders if Rodney means it. Are they buddies again?

 

“It’s good to be back.” He smiles up at Rodney.

 

There is a suspiciously sentimental look in Rodney’s eyes as he gazes at John, “Almost thought we lost you.”

 

This feels familiar. Oh, that was what John had told Rodney when he rescued him from the bottom of the ocean.

 

“Well, you didn’t lose me.” John’s expression becomes sincere and hopeful, “You still have me.”

 

“Well, I just came by to see if you were…” Rodney glances at Elizabeth even though she is still sleeping. He clears his throat and then says, “uh, and to, uh, see if you… when you’re feeling up to it, if you want to play the game again, sometime.”

 

Is Rodney is giving him another chance? John blinks in relief.

 

“I’d really… really like that.” John smiles warmly.

 

“Okay. Then, good, I’ll see you later.” Rodney nods anxiously.

 

John watches him leave, his heart beating fast in his chest with excitement and hope that Rodney is letting him back in again.

 

This time he won’t blow it.

 

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Rodney and John have been spending more time together, playing the game and generally just hanging out. It isn’t quite the same as it used to be, but it is nice to be friendly again. It’s been a long time since he and John were close.

 

He thinks about their early days on Atlantis. How it used to be, the lost year… Maybe it wasn’t quite a year. More like 9 months, before Rodney tried to kiss him, before Ronan came, before everything got so screwed up. Rodney knows it is done and over with.

 

There is no going back. He is just glad to have salvaged a bit of what they once had.

 

When Rodney next sees Carson, he wastes no time in pointing out that Rodney and John have been spending time together again. Rodney feels guilty admitting it, but he tries to convince Carson that it is different. Rodney is wiser now; he knows John will never want him. And he knows not to read into anything.

 

It just feels so good to around him. Rodney can ride the edge… Just because he is in love with John doesn’t mean he will let himself get hurt.

 

Carson tries to convince Rodney that this isn’t love and that he will meet someone else.  
While Carson may be right about meeting someone else, as far as his feelings for John go, well… He has loved John for a long time. If it wasn’t real, he would have known by now -or at least, been able to make it go away.

 

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Mulling over his recent conversation with Carson, Rodney is sitting by himself in the cafeteria. Carson is busy with a new experiment, trying to use the retrovirus on a captured Wraith, so Rodney eats alone. Why is Carson so sure that Rodney should stay away from John? Rodney can accept being just friends. He can-

 

Spotting one of those kitchen guys coming by to bus his table, Rodney complains, “Ah, hey, what ever happened to the blue Jell-O? My favorite? All the sudden it’s off the menu. What gives?”

 

The disinterested kitchen guy clears the table and shrugs without an answer.

 

“Thank you” Rodney says sarcastically as the guy walks away.

 

Grabbing his tablet off the table, Rodney walks by a familiar face.

 

“Ah, Lieutenant Kenmore.” He stops to say hello.

 

The man looks confused, “Well so they tell me. Call me Michael.”

 

“Michael, right, Yes, of course, Michael.” Rodney corrects himself.

 

There is an awkward pause as Rodney tries to think of something else to say.

 

“I’m sorry,” Michael tells him, “Um, I’m probably supposed to know you, but…”

 

“Right” Rodney points to his head. “Right, the amnesia. Yes, of course, I heard, I’m, uh, Dr. McKay.” Holding out his hand out, “Rodney McKay, Doctor.”

 

Michael leans out of his chair and gives Rodney a firm shake.

 

“So, you’ve been, um, released, I see?” Rodney asks.

 

“Just now.” Michael nods. He points to the guards standing nearby, “I have some bodyguards following me around everywhere, and, Colonel Sheppard’s probably somewhere close by. They wanna keep an eye on me in case I suddenly, you know… freak out.”

 

“Yes, freak out.” Rodney laughs and tries not to sound nervous, “Yes. Well, but I don’t think you’re… I mean, you’re not gonna…” He eyes Michael anxiously, “You’re fine, aren’t you”

 

“I think so. I –I feel fine.” Michael shrugs, “I guess time will tell. Hopefully the amnesia won’t be permanent.”

 

Michael’s eyes drop to Rodney’s tablet and Rodney looks down to see what has captured his interest.

 

“Wraith materializer schematics?” Michael asks.

 

“Yes.” Rodney lifts his head up, “Yes. I was just, um,” He clasps the screen to his chest so it is no longer visible, “studying them, you know.”

 

“How did I know that?” Michael looks thoughtful.

 

“Ah,” Rodney tries to think of a valid sounding excuse, “one of your team’s objectives was to, um, infiltrate, uh, a Wraith ship and obtain… you know, uh, intelligence.”

 

“And our mission was successful?” Michael questions.

 

“Yes. Very successful.” Rodney smiles.

 

“Except for getting captured.” Michael adds.

 

“Ah, well,” Rodney acts nonchalant and smiles at the guards next to him, “we’ve –we’ve all been captured by the Wraith at one point or another, haven’t we?”

 

Michael frowns, “It’s just-“

 

“The important thing is that you were rescued. Safe and sound.” Rodney continues.

 

“Safe, yes. The sound part, I’m not so sure of.”

 

Rodney smiles and gives an uncertain laugh, “Y-y-yeah, well, it’s, uh…”

 

Another one of the awkward silences follows.

 

“Well…” Michael speaks up, “I guess I’d better be going.”

 

“Right.” Rodney tries to sound friendly. “You got it.” He looks at his screen again as Michael walks away. He should have been more careful with that.

 

The following day Rodney joins the staff for a briefing on Michael’s status. Teyla says Michael is having nightmares about the Wraith and Elizabeth asks Carson if there is anything more he can do.

 

“Perhaps I could give him a sedative to help him sleep. Or I could increase his dosage.” Carson suggests, “Although I’d caution against it at this time.”

 

“Why? If it’s helping, what’s wrong with giving him more?” Rodney asks.

 

“Because, Rodney, I specifically calibrated his regimen according to his current physical condition. Any alteration could adversely affect his recovery. I say we remain patient, wait to see if he has any more dreams. If it’s merely psychological, then Dr. Heightmeyer should be able to help him through it.”

 

Heighmeyer? Yikes, poor Michael.

 

Teyla wonders if it would be just be better just to tell Michael the truth. That he is a Wraith that has been stripped of the Iratis DNA.

 

Turns out she was probably right. It doesn’t take much longer for Michael to put together the pieces himself. And he does not react well, becoming angry and withdrawn about what has been done to him.

 

When Rodney hears that Michael has made an escape attempt, killing a Sergeant in the process, he isn’t surprised. He knows this is Carson’s pet project, but it always seemed like a bad idea to him to try to convert a Wraith into a human.

 

Now Michael is in a holding cell and Carson doesn’t want to have kill him. Carson hopes to see if he can still be successful with the treatments at an increased dosage. John is supposed to take Michael to the Alpha site, since he poses too much of a danger here on Atlantis.

 

Staying behind, Rodney continues working on his Wraith schematics. The team is offworld for some time, and when they return from the Alpha site, Rodney joins in on the debriefing. They report that Michael has escaped again.

 

“He completely transformed back into a Wraith?” Elizabeth asks.

 

“Well, not completely, but well on his way.” John answers.

 

“His reversion occurred at a much more accelerated rate than we anticipated.” Carson admits.

 

“Unfortunately,” Teyla laments, “his memory of what we did to him remained intact.”

 

“I should have killed him when I had the chance.” Ronan says regretfully.

 

Rodney is appalled by the abject failure of this mission and he agrees with Ronan, “He’s right, we are completely screwed. Not only has out dear Lieutenant rejoined the Wraith, but he’s taken with him the knowledge that Atlantis still exists.”

 

“God knows what kind of intel he was able to pick up during his stay.” John says tensely.

 

“They will send another wave of Hive ships.” Teyla warns

 

Ronan looks angry, “Probably already on their way.”

 

“And this time,” Rodney adds bitterly, “I’m guessing they’re not gonna fall for the whole invisibility thing.”

 

Carson looks guilty and no one says anything for a moment.

 

Then Elizabeth speaks up, “We need to come up with a new defense plan.”

 

John’s eyes look fierce, “We’re going to need more firepower.”

 

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.

 

Rodney goes out of his way over the next week to cheer Carson up. He knows what it is like to be at the helm of a project that ends in disaster. He consoles Carson, telling him that he did the best he could with the knowledge that he had at the time. Rodney isn’t sure he believes it, but he tells Carson that one day the retrovirus may play an important role in defeating the Wraith.

 

He tries to act like he thinks a friend should, taking Carson’s side, and defending him. Not that anyone is attacking Carson about it. Mostly Carson just blames himself, so Rodney tries to defend Carson against his own worst fears.

 

Tonight though, Rodney isn’t hanging out with Carson. He has plans with John. Plans Carson probably wouldn’t approve of. Rodney is meeting John in his quarters to watch Galaxy Quest.

 

Admittedly, he is a bit nervous. It should be okay though. No matter what John does, Rodney will just keep himself in check. He won’t let himself get carried away. It’s just a movie after all.

 

John answers the door looking sexy. His eyes sparkle and he is wearing one of those fresh, black long-sleeved shirts that hang so well from his lean torso. Rodney blinks.

 

Not off to a good start here. He lifts the computer between them as an offering, and as some kind of reminder to himself. He has to keep a physical distance between the two of them.

 

Leading Rodney in, John gestures to the bed and lies down on the far side.

 

Oh. This is trouble. They could just sit on the couch? Rodney frowns to himself. Should he make an issue about this or let himself lay closer to John than he really should? His resolve caves and he sets the laptop down on the side table so can take off his shoes.

 

As he stands back up, Rodney examines the bed. It is small, but if he is careful, there is enough room to keep from touching John. Rodney positions himself on the bed carefully. He is tense and puts the computer on his lap, starting the movie before anything awkward can happen.

 

“So, this isn’t your favorite movie?” John asks.

 

“No, um, just a favorite.” Rodney shakes his head, looking at the screen, “It’s really good though. Funny.”

 

“Okay.” John sounds skeptical.

 

But Rodney knows John will like it; they watch the same kind of films and practically have the same taste. Well, not always. But, if John doesn’t love this movie, it might just be enough to get Rodney to stop loving him.

 

The movie is partly a parody of Star Trek and yet a good enough Sci-Fi film to stand on it’s own with the action-adventure. Mostly it is hilarious, and it seems that John agrees.

 

Laughing heartily, John gasps, “I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before.”

 

“I know, right?”. Rodney grins.

 

When the film is over, John tells Rodney that he is like the dorky alien who proclaimed, “Never give up, Never surrender.”

 

“That really doesn’t sound like me, if you think about it.” Rodney rolls his eyes, “And I suppose you’re Captain Taggart?”

 

“Of course.” John shrugs.

 

“Such a Kirk…” Rodney shakes his head, “You know who I am? Dr. Lazarus.”

 

“Yeah. I see it.” John cocks his head to the side, “The one who’s always complaining about Taggart. Good call, Rodney.”

 

Suddenly Rodney is aware of how close he and John are physically. He feels a little light-headed. Maybe he should go.

 

John seems to sense Rodney’s haste and stops him, “So, what is your favorite movie, then?”

 

“I don’t know.” He thinks for moment, “Hard to pick a favorite. You? -And please don’t say Back to the Future.”

 

“Top Gun.” John smiles.

 

“No.” Rodney opens his mouth, gaping in horror that John would pick something so cheesy.

 

“Kidding.” John breaks into a peal of laughter. He seems pleased with himself for getting Rodney so upset and keeps chuckling.

 

“You know,” he gives John a look of exasperation, “The thing is, that is almost believable. That’s what makes it so wrong.”

 

Thoroughly amused with himself, John keeps chuckling.

 

“What then?” Rodney asks.

 

“Mmm,” John takes a lazy breath, “somewhere between ‘Aliens’, ‘Terminator’, and ‘Road Warrior’ I suppose… Oh, and cause of McMurdo and all, I have a special place in my heart for ‘The Thing’… Yeah, the ‘The Thing’, I’m gonna go with ‘The Thing’”

 

“All acceptable answers.” Rodney nods in approval, then furrows his brow, “Wait, the John Carpenter version or-“

 

“Carpenter, of course.” John raises his hands in disbelief.

 

“You have chosen well.” Rodney smiles, “Though… I did notice you neglected to mention Star Wars…”

 

“Oh.” John makes a face of disgust; “I’m trying to put that behind me. My once cherished childhood memories, twisted into something so-”

 

“Yes! Yes!” Rodney bobs head emphatically, “Episodes 1 and 2 were a betrayal of the most heinous nature to those of us who… Damn you George Lucas,” Rodney shakes a fist, “damn you to hell!”

 

“Yeah!” John gets excited, “It was a betrayal. That last one? The scene where they are rolling down a hill of flowers giggling together. It felt like a fucking chick flick.”

 

“So, I take it you won’t be seeing the third installment when it comes out.” Rodney smirks.

 

“No.” John sneers, “I actually think it came out already, last year. But, no.”

 

Rodney visualizes John watching a chick flick and laughs out loud.

 

“What?” John peers at him.

 

“Just imagining you watching ‘Steel Magnolias’.” Rodney laughs again.

 

“You do realize, Rodney,” John gives him a curious look, “that you’re laughing about something that never happened?”

 

“Doesn’t matter.” He snorts, pointing his temple, “I can see it right here.”

 

“Okay.” John closes an eye, “Two can play at that game. Let’s see… Rodney is watching… ‘Sense and Sensibility’.”

 

When John sees Rodney’s frustrated expression, he laughs. “Not so funny, now, huh?”

 

“Okay, okay.” Rodney narrows his eyes, “John… is crying… while he watches ‘Sleepless in Seattle’.”

 

“Ouch.” John winces, “Low blow… Um, Rodney is crying... and masturbating, while watching… ‘Beaches.’”

 

He so did not just go there. Rodney looks at John in shock. He is biting his lip playfully, waiting for Rodney to retaliate. Danger, Rodney, do not engage.

 

“Okay, that is wrong on so many levels. You win.” Rodney shakes his head.

 

Part of him thinks this would be a good time to leave. But he doesn’t, the other part of him wants to stay.

 

Instead he takes a breath, “You know, one of my favorite movies, -other than ‘Beaches’, that is-… Is, ah, ‘Solaris’.”

 

John shakes his head like he doesn’t know it.

 

“It is a bit obscure,” Rodney explains, “a Russian Sci-Fi film from the 70’s -But they just did a remake. And I actually preferred the remake to the original. You haven’t heard of it?”

 

“No.” John answers, “What’s it about?”

 

“Kind of esoteric, there are a lot of themes. I suppose, the nature of what is real, what is memory or consciousness, the flawed human attempts to achieve connection and communication.”

 

“That sounds vague.” John tells him.

 

Rodney reflects, “I suppose in a way it is, there is a surreal quality, a haunting sense of longing about it… But the story, the story is about these scientists who come into contact with a planet that is a life form.

 

The planet manifests painful or repressed memories in the form of human copies… uh, people. Like, the main character’s wife, she committed suicide in the past, but then she reappears on the space station.

 

In a way, it is a love story. -And, no, it’s not a chick flick. It’s more about the nature of connection, not anything supernatural, but like pure physics.”

 

John is looking at Rodney with curiosity, so he continues.

 

“Okay, so the main character is given a second chance. He tells his wife that he came back for her. The day they fought and he came back, only to find her lifeless body. They forgive each other…

 

And then he joins her, he lets go of control, of knowing whether he is even alive or dead. He and surrenders to the blending of boundaries, the true meeting of their souls.”

 

He looks at John to see his reaction. His face has a soft expression.

 

“I guess you, ah… You’re a romantic after all.”

 

“Just don’t tell anyone.” Rodney jokes.

 

Almost seeming sad, John looks at him pensively. Then he asks, “Have you ever lost anyone?”

 

“No.” Rodney answers honestly, “Never really had anyone to lose… Thought about killing myself a few times though.”

 

John’s eyes flash with concern and Rodney tries to lighten it up a bit, “But hasn’t anyone with half a brain, at least considered it, from time to time?”

 

Still looking sad, John shakes his head lightly.

 

Then Rodney realizes he is being oblivious to what John is talking about.

 

He lowers his voice and says, “You lost someone.”

 

John nods slowly.

 

“I’m sorry.” Rodney says softly.

 

When John looks up at Rodney, his eyes are haunted. Rodney feels like John wants to talk about it, but probably won’t without some prodding.

 

“Who... did you lose?” He ventures.

 

“Uh,” John presses his lips together into a line and then answers, “I lost my, ah, mother, when I was young… she killed herself.”

 

Rodney inhales sharply but John keeps talking, “And I lost someone else… very close to me. Well, too many to count, really.”

 

Wanting to say something, to offer the right words, Rodney can’t think of anything that seems right.

 

Finally he says, “Death shall have no dominion.”

 

“What?” John looks puzzled.

 

“Sorry,” Rodney shakes his head, “it’s a Dylan Thomas poem… it’s in the movie. I don’t know why I said it. I just wanted to say something to make it better or…”

 

“Tell me.” John looks at Rodney with clear affection in his eyes.

 

“Oh. Yeah.” Rodney tries to remember, “It’s about death, but it’s more triumphant than melancholy. “And Death Shall Have No Dominion’”

 

“And what does the rest of it say?”

 

“I only remember part of it, the part from the movie. She has it written on a piece of paper. It’s crumpled in her hand when he finds her body. It, it, uh, let me think.

 

_And death shall have no dominion._  
_Dead men naked they shall be one_  
_With the man in the wind and the west moon._  
_When their bones are picked clean_  
_And the clean bones gone_  
_They shall have stars at elbow and foot._  
_Though they go mad they shall be sane._  
_Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again._  
_Though lovers be lost love shall not._  
_And death shall have no dominion._

 

When Rodney finishes John is staring at him with deep emotion in his eyes. He opens his mouth and whispers, “That is beautiful.”

 

Feeling pleased with himself Rodney smiles a little. Who knew John would like poetry?

 

“Can you say it again?” John asks.

 

Nodding, Rodney recites it with more emotion than he did the first time.

 

“Rodney? Do you think- Could you write it down for me?” John looks very moved, “I would go online, but there’s no internet here.”

 

He agrees enthusiastically. John gets him a pen a paper and returns to the bed, Sitting upright, Rodney writes on the hard surface of his laptop case. He has always been told he has good penmanship for a mathematician.

 

Rodney likes this feeling. Sharing something with John and having John want it. He feels like he has been able to share a small piece of himself and give it to John without it being rejected. He would share so much more if he could.

 

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John takes the paper from Rodney and reads the lines a few times, mulling over and digesting it. He wishes he could believe that all is not lost in death. That love survives…

 

‘And death shall have no dominion’. It is romantic, but it could also be a battle cry.  
He imagines himself and Rodney going into battle together. Rodney might not be the perfect soldier but John feels he will always be there for him, will always have his back.

 

As long as John doesn’t push him away. And he isn’t going to do that anymore.

 

He’s never quite had a friend like Rodney. In some ways Rodney reminds him of a soldier he once knew. Holland used to always make John laugh his gloomy pessimism and sarcasm.

 

But the similarity ends there. Rodney is better; John wouldn’t change anything about Rodney. He is perfect just the way he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter spans the period during Season 2 just after episode 16 'The Long Goodbye', throughout episode 17: 'Coup D'etet', & during/ after episode 18: 'Michael'
> 
> Quoted: part of a poem by Dylan Thomas 'And Death Shall Have No Dominion'  
> .


	20. Epic cock-blocking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _He shouldn't be worried. Firstly, Rodney has no inkling how to handle positive attention from a woman, he's sure to go down in flames. And secondly, secondly.... maybe John IS more than a little jealous. ___  
> .

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Rodney is sick to death of how John is acting on this mission. At every turn, he seems to be trying to make Rodney look bad to the gorgeous Norina… Referencing how he blew up an entire solar system… Minimizing his ability to understand Ancient technology... 

 

But as Rodney pulls out his laptop, he notices that Norina still seems impressed. 

 

She is watching him with her mouth slightly open in admiration, “I’m sure I could learn a lot from you, Doctor.” 

 

Okay, a little appreciation is nice, but Rodney never knows what to do when a woman gives him positive attention. 

 

His arrogant demeanor toward John is replaced by a nervous uncertainty.  “Oh.” he gulps. “Well, I’m sure I can learn, um…” 

 

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John is getting annoyed watching this woman fawn all over Rodney. To take her focus off of Rodney, he finds himself vying for her attention at every opportunity. She is truly beautiful, with a striking and graceful figure. But what he enjoys more is the look of dissatisfaction on Rodney’s face every time John flirts with her.

 

It stings a little that Rodney is winning this competition. Not by much, but he is winning… the prize being Norina, of course. Not Rodney. Not today. He doesn’t want to let himself think this way anymore, but the burning in his chest confirms that he is just a little bit jealous. 

 

When John has to leave to update Elizabeth on what they’ve found, he feels a bit resentful. Rodney is going to score a lot brainiac points while he is gone. Norina seems to go for that kind of thing. Whatever. At least he won’t have to watch her drooling all over him.

 

What is he worried about? Firstly, Rodney has no inkling how to handle positive attention from a woman. He is sure to go down in flames. And secondly, secondly.... maybe John is more than a little jealous. 

 

He thinks back to a couple years ago, when he had expressed interest in Rodney. Rodney had been nervous all right, but he had let John take what he wanted. He would have guessed that maybe Rodney just didn’t know how to be in control of a sexual situation but he knows that isn’t right either. 

 

Rodney had taken a risk last year with John and tried to kiss him, it was John who had been afraid. And of course, there was that incident 6 months ago that they both agreed to never talk about. The time when Rodney had been under the influence of a super charged alien enzyme. Rodney had been pretty sure about what he wanted then and John had let him take it. 

 

So maybe it is just that John doesn’t like the idea of Rodney being with anyone else, the thought that he could someday belong to anyone else. John realizes how wrong it is that he even thinks of Rodney as his. 

 

John made it clear to Rodney that it will never be more than friendship, and yet maybe it is more to John, despite the fact that he won’t allow it to be. He tells himself that he will figure out how to let go of this unnatural attachment to Rodney, just as soon as this blonde is out of the picture.

 

After he is finished discussing the situation with Elizabeth, John takes a deep breath thinking about Rodney back on the planet and says, “I’m gonna get back there now, make sure he’s not distracted.” 

 

Elizabeth is confused, as that doesn't sound like Rodney, “Distracted?” 

 

John stops at the door wishing he hadn’t said that last part out loud, “Well the lead scientist, she’s very, umm…” 

 

When John doesn’t finish Elizabeth prompts, “Hot?” 

 

“I was gonna say attractive,” John feels flush, “but McKay is acting very, uh...” 

 

“Smitten?” Elizabeth folds her hands under her chin with a smile.

 

“I was gonna say pathetic.” John tries to seem uninterested.

 

He ducks his head and tries to leave before Elizabeth asks him anything else, but she stops him to say she will be joining the negotiations with the Taranan leader. 

 

Standing close to John’s warm face, she asks, “What’s he like?” 

 

“Oh, you know,” John holds his expression in a masculine semi-scowl, acting ambivalent, “he’s a guy. Didn’t pay much attention.” 

 

That should make it clear that he wasn’t noticing Rodney. He doesn’t notice men, only women. Yeah, that it cleared up. 

 

“Sorry” John raises his eyebrows and exhales, then turns bolts out of the room as fast as he can. 

 

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Before Rodney realizes it, John is back trying to pull off his Kirk routine. Ignoring the bedroom eyes John is making at Norina, Rodney keeps his mind on the job. 

 

He has to explain to Elizabeth and the Chancellor that they need to evacuate the planet immediately. This outpost was not designed to continuously use the geothermal heat below; Running the shields at full strength all this time has created a geothermal hot spot. They are now in the middle of a caldera that has expanded over 40 miles wide. The earthquakes will continue as the pressure from the magma pours in.

 

John asks. “Is there anything we can do to relive the pressure somewhere else? Maybe we can fire a drone down into the crust on the other side of the caldera?” 

 

God, that is so stupid, John, even for you. Rodney enunciates his words, “Every problem has a military solution in your world, doesn’t it?” 

 

It takes another round of explanations for Rodney to convince them that nowhere on the planet is safe. 

 

He sighs, “The dust cloud will envelop the planet within weeks, blocking out enough sunlight to kill every living thing. We are talking about an extinction level event.”

 

Elizabeth and the Chancellor leave with the first waves of evacuees through the wormhole. Which is lucky for them, because a bed of magma opens up shortly thereafter and swallows the Stargate entirely. Now they are stranded and so, so screwed.

 

“Elizabeth will try to dial us back.” John keeps his voice firm and authoritative, “When she can’t get through, she’ll send the Daedalus.” 

 

Directing himself to a panicking Beckett, John says, “The ship in the hanger. Maybe McKay can fix it.” 

 

“Oh, maybe I can fix it!” Rodney groans angrily, “Place the pressure squarely on my shoulders for a change.”

 

“Well,” John’s voice is loud but his eyes are sincere, “I’ve discovered you’re pretty good under the threat of impending death.”

 

There is a compliment in there somewhere, so Rodney clears his throat instead of yelling back. He knows John is just trying to get him to calm down. 

 

Thinking of his appearance to Norina, he steps forward and whispers to her, “I am, actually.” 

 

Rodney takes his leave to go look at the broken Aurora class Ancient ship that the Taranans have in one of the hangers.

 

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John is pleased that Rodney appears to be having some success with ship, but is less pleased that Norina follows him around like puppy, impressed by everything he does. The ship has one of those really long Greek sounding names and he and Rodney soon get into an argument over renaming it. Postponing the debate, John tells him they’ll name it later. 

 

The radio signal from the Daedalus is barely coming through. John has Rodney get communications online to see if they can boost the signal. As Rodney leaves to go work on it, he pats John’s arm. Weird, Rodney doesn’t usually touch him. It all happens too fast for John to really take it in. 

 

Once Rodney makes some adjustments and they are able to communicate more clearly with the Daedalus, Caldwell tells John and his team to leave to shielded area of the Taranan outpost so they can be beamed back.

 

But John refuses to abandon the people they came here to help, he tells Caldwell to make as many passenger trips as he can, to ferry survivors in the mean time. He knows there isn’t likely to be enough time to save everyone with such a strategy, but John sends Beckett, Teyla, and Ronan off to help treat the wounded and organize people into groups. They will beam as many survivors aboard the Daedalus as they can. 

 

“And plan B, is what?” Caldwell asks.

 

“We found a sister ship to the Aurora, called the-“ John smiles brightly at Rodney, “Orion.” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney groans in disapproval. 

 

“McKay is trying to get the sublight drive online.” 

 

“Really?” Caldwell sounds impressed, “Well, a ship that large, you should be able to get everyone else out in one trip.” 

 

“Yeah, well,” John makes a face, “whether or not we live or die is all up to Rodney.” 

 

“This is so unfair.” Rodney clenches his teeth and stalks away.

 

Norina gushes at Rodney over one of the consoles, “I have already learned so much from you, just over the last few hours. Perhaps one day I could study under you.” 

 

Jesus Christ. John stretches his head back in annoyance, looking to the ceiling. 

 

“Yes, well.” Rodney blusters, “I really-really look forward to that.” 

 

John keeps himself from groaning out loud. Sure Norina, Rodney would love to have under him. 

 

“But first we need to get off.” Rodney did not just say that… What is the matter with him? 

 

“Uh”, Rodney amends himself, “first we need to get off the planet. First, we need to get off the planet, and then you can be under me...” 

 

Before Rodney can continue, another eruption interrupts them from the planet below. John lunges toward the center control to assist Rodney and Norina. Somehow, he ends up with Norina in his arms while Rodney ducks under the control table. 

 

“You all right?” John straightens back up holding Norina close. 

 

“I’m fine.” she smiles, seeming to enjoy the contact as she holds onto John’s waist gingerly.

 

Yeah. John wouldn’t mind having her under him, either.

 

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Getting up from under the console, Rodney and sees John holding Norina. He is furious. John has been angling to get her attention ever since he realized she liked Rodney. 

 

And Rodney should know firsthand, it doesn’t take much of that one-on-one charm, for John to get under your skin. It’s so unfair, John can get laid any time he wants to and Rodney hasn’t been with anyone since… well, since John. 

 

It’s just not fair. Rodney pats the edge of the control table loudly and clears his throat announcing, “All good under there.” 

 

John is still just holding her, without a second thought. Rodney walks out of the room to rid his mind of the traitorous scene. 

 

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By the time John and Norina have made back to the ship with another wave of refugees, more fissures have opened, creating lava flows up to 30 feet thick above them. Even if Rodney can get the engines fixed, there is no way for them to escape now.

 

Of course, John immediately thinks to use the drones to blast through the hanger door, but that would bring the molten lava right down on them.

 

“What are you doing?” John asks.

 

“I have an idea.” Rodney stares at the panel, he has another idea about getting the shields operational…

 

“What kind of idea?” John lifts his arms in frustration.

 

Rodney raises his voice, “Can’t talk, busy-“ 

 

John insists, “Just give me a basic-“ 

 

“Not now, please!” Rodney shouts over him. He is lost in his own world

 

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“I hate it when he does this.” John confides to Norina in frustration. 

 

Still, he knows Rodney is about to come up with something brilliant and feels just a little bit proud of him.

 

When the last group of Taranans arrive, Rodney finally explains his harebrained scheme. He hasn’t been able to get sublights working; all he has done is bolster the shields. They won’t last long, a mere 4.1 seconds to be exact.

 

John tries to get it straight, “So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hanger, but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place?” 

 

“With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes.” Rodney emphasizes.

 

Beckett speaks up, “I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don’t we as well?” 

 

“That’s the plan.” Rodney snaps his fingers and points.

 

“That’s the plan?” John asks.

 

“That’s the plan.” Rodney smiles.

 

“That plan sucks.” 

 

“Aye.” Beckett agrees. 

 

Rodney still seems convinced. “This ship will be ejected along with the magma and steam several thousand feet in the air.” 

 

“The ship can survive that?” John is puzzled.

 

“For exactly 4.1 seconds, yes.” Rodney lifts finger, “Look, the hanger should disintegrate. The moment we’re clear, we open a brief hyperspace window, jump to space before the explosion depletes our shields and incinerates us, hmm?” 

 

“Okay.” John furrows his brows; this is starting to sound better. 

 

Norina gazes at Rodney in admiration. 

 

“What?” Rodney asks flustered. 

 

Beckett admits. “That’s very clever, Rodney.” 

 

“Huh. Well, don’t thank me till it works…” Rodney looks uncomfortable, “Which it probably won’t. Excuse me.” 

 

He ducks under the console, most likely to adjust something, not to hide. John is curious and leans down to see what Rodney is doing. Beckett and Norina crouch down as well. 

 

Crying out in pain suddenly, Rodney yanks his hand back from the control panel. 

 

“What?” Norina asks in concern.

 

“Uh, I bent my fingernail back! I hate that!” Rodney cradles his hand.

 

“Yes,” Norina answers, “that can be painful.” 

 

“Yeah, will you look at that?” Rodney shows his finger to Norina.

 

Those are some great moves you got there, Rodney. “Are you done?” John asks impatiently. 

 

“Almost.” Rodney tells him, “Look, does anyone have any nail clippers?” 

 

“Rodney.” Beckett says his name with disapproval.

 

‘For the love of God, shut up about your bent nail.’ John smacks the side of Rodney’s leg. 

 

“Not helping.” He looks at John angrily, but at least he gets back to work. 

 

Rodney announces that they’re good to go. He gets up from under the console, swaying for a minute, “Whoa.”

 

“What?” Norina is hanging on his every word.

 

“Got up too fast.” Rodney tells her.

 

Not long afterwards, the ship starts to rumble but Rodney tells them, “Don’t hold your breath. It could happen any time in the next half hour.” 

 

The rumbling grows and John feels the burst hit them. They are moving up into the air… There is a flash and suddenly they are in orbit. 

 

Rodney did it. The bridge is silent for a moment and the Beckett states the obvious, “It worked.” 

 

“You really are a genius.” Norina glows.

 

Gripping the console in front of him with his arms outstretched, Rodney simply looks stunned.

 

“Rodney?” Norina asks. 

 

“I’m good.” He says quietly.

 

Norina smiles back at him flirtatiously. 

 

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Fortunately John’s epic cockblocking seemed to do the trick with Norina. Not that he had gotten any either, but at least Rodney is still his. Not his… But… Well, it’s just that John is having crazy dreams about Rodney. During the day he keeps himself distracted by work and ogling every attractive woman he sees, but at night he dreams of McKay. 

 

He dreams about that amazing blowjob, the best one he’s ever had. Rodney’s lips around his cock, sucking... Grabbing McKay in the supply closet and spreading him, pounding into him as deep as he could. 

 

He dreams about McKay’s eyes the night he took him from the front. The helpless wonder and surrender as Rodney’s whole body moved with him. The feel of Rodney’s back and chest as he ran his fingers over him in the shower. 

 

Sometimes he just dreams about things that never happened, like holding Rodney. Not the hug John had given him in the Jumper, but something more. John knows just holding him would feel so good. 

 

Then there are the dreams where Rodney is the one holding him instead. It is the old dream he had when he was marooned for so long. Had that possibly happened? The night they were watching a movie in his bed… Had Rodney held him? 

 

John remembers curling up in exhaustion… and something else. Fear, a shudder had passed through him. And Rodney had put his arm around him, pulled him in close until he wasn’t afraid anymore. 

 

That fear that John has never told anyone about had gone away and he slept a deep and dreamless sleep. At least, it seems maybe it happened that way. Maybe it is only an image, a wish passed on from a dream. In the mornings, when John wakes, he aches for Rodney, for release. 

 

He can’t stop himself from reaching for his hard cock. It has become a habit that John is ashamed to even think about. He doesn’t WANT to think of Rodney this way, but he does. He has tried thinking about other women or even other men, but it doesn’t get him off the way he needs to get off. 

 

There is only Rodney. And he needs Rodney -at least dream Rodney, so fucking bad. After he finishes, he tells himself that he will get this under control, that this was the last time, but he knows it is a lie he tells himself. He believes it long enough to look Rodney in the eye during the day, to be normal. But late at night and early in the morning, Rodney is his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes places during/ after in Season 2 episode 19: 'Inferno'


End file.
